help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[Guest_3712]

Ok Annie

No problem just take care and call in at the circle if u want to just be.

Stressless

[annie45]

Hi ladies

I had my appointment last Thurs. I finally admitted that most days I have suicidal thoughts, that I need to get some help, that I can't go on like this. I asked for her to help me open up, that there was stuff that even I can't access, emotions and memories that are hidden from me. She agreed and told me simply - that in order to get better I have to be prepared to talk about an incident that I don't want to talk about. It's not rocket science, she knows my fear of doing this and will guide me and be gentle. Yet even the thought of this has left me unhinged. It's been 4 days since and I am still so low. It's really hit me hard and I'm finding it hard to function. I'm not sure I can do this. Stressless you wrote that I have come so far - but I don't see that. I see that I can manage the depression better but that's it. That I resort back to my default of denial and masking it's effects on me. Today I have no hope that I can turn this around. I would love to just take that easy option.

[Guest_3712]

No you wouldn't Annie - and you know why ? Because you are here asking for help and not only that giving support to others .

I dont know what your past is or do I need to know, it is obviously very traumatic for you and probably the worse thing that had happened to you .

So talking about it to a trusted professional whose only interest is in helping you won't be as bad- hard yes, upsetting definetly, embarrassing possibly but after what you have been through not impossible.

I had been in therapy for over 12 months before my story started to trickle out of me a little at a time . I was scared of my docs reaction- would he think I was evil, disgusting, pathetic?

None of the above of course ever happened. He was kind and caring and once I started to believe he was there to help and support me , it became a little easier each time - but it did take time .

I think you should call your psych and expkain how you are feeling panicked and maybe you can have a phone session to calm you down.

When you go to your next appt it doesn't have to be all or nothing tell what you feel ok with and what you can handle - your psych will guide you as you said .

You don't see how far you've come because like most of us you keep looking at where you were not where you are now .

Managing your depression is huge ! That takes enormous focus and commitment- skills you can apply to this new hurdle - and that's what it is Annie just another hurdle you can climb over.

We all believe in you , so you can too.

please keep in touch or pop over to the circle for some extra comfort and support.

Your friend

Stressless

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Thank you for your posts to me lately. I appreciated it even if I wasn't ready to reply. I've had my pity party, now ready to try again 😊.

So so so very proud of you for speaking up to the counsellor and admitting some of what's happening in your head and asking for help.

The dread and fear you feel about speaking about your experience... That's normal I think. But it does get easier to talk. At first bringing it all out in the open made me feel worse. Raw. But slowly it got easier. And a lot of the guilt and anger and blame I felt finally went to the correct person rather than directed internally to me.

It's hard work. But worth it. You are worth it. You deserve better than having the "thoughts" every day (yeah been there too).

Just wanted you to know how fantastic I think it is that you are opening up at last. Get all that poison out of your system it doesn't do you any good keeping it buried.

So proud of you 😊

[annie45]

Thanks stressless

You're right - this is not impossible. I just need to remind myself of this. I just feel as though I'm constantly going backwards.

I start my new job tomorrow. I'm hoping that it will be a good distraction- I need a victory. I need something to be proud of.

Thank you for your support over the weekend I really appreciated it. Your circle is a wonderful idea. I'll be sure to pop by soon.

I hope that you're doing ok. You've got so much going on in your life at the moment I hope that you are looking after yourself

Take care

Annie

[annie45]

Hi Quercus

Thanks for all your advice. I think I spent most of my appointment looking at the floor or out the window. It was definitely a help not to feel like I needed to look her in the eye - something I would have never considered before. I don't think I could have said what I said without doing this so Thank you.

I also wanted to remind you how by telling your story and journey it helps others. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has read your posts and gained strength by following your journey. Through all the ups and downs your honesty about how you feel has helped me realise that nothing is ever impossible and no task insurmountable.

Annie

[Quercus]

Oh wow. Thank you Annie. Your post teared me up I'm really glad if anything I said helped you to talk. That is a bittersweet feeling. Good because I want you to feel better. Sad because it is awful that you have had an experience that's hurt you so badly. And hopeful because you've found a technique that allows you to voice difficult things.

How are you feeling? New job tomorrow hey? What sort of field is it in? I hope you enjoy the change!

I hope you feel able to keep us in the loop with how you're doing. Opening the can of worms is the worst part please make sure you keep reaching out for support ok?

[annie45]

Hi Ladies

Quick update - I survived my first day. The mask and extra strong body armour held up and the distraction was a nice change. When I had finished the day I felt proud. Proud that I had stepped so far out of my comfort zone. Proud that I had showed up. It made me wonder - is it really a mask, or is it the real me. Confident, smiling, intelligent. What if all this time, I've been hating the mask, hating the fact I use it, I've been wrong. Maybe it's glimpses of the real me. Maybe I should encourage the mask and appreciate the times that i use it?

Frustratingly, I can now see my head manipulating my memory of the day. At one stage I remember standing thinking to myself - Yep I've got this. I can do this as a job. This can be a new career for me. However. I spent all last night analysing every bit, bringing out every bad (imagined) part. I've woken up today in such conflict. My brain is trying to defeat me again, but thankfully there's part of it defying it. Trying to keep the real story.

I still find it incredible that part of me wants to destroy me. It defies logic. But today I'm looking the enemy in the eye and it's not going to win.

I hope you guys are winning today to

Annie

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie your little superstar,

Yes Yes Yes- you did it ! I don't know why you're surprised of course you did _ so very proud of you ! It is definitely time to break out the party poppers, and CELEBRATE

Can I give you one teeny tiny tip ? Stop thinking . Mask no mask - it doesn't matter its working for you . Don't analyse, just do it . You go girl

Drop by the Circle later for celebrations on a massive level-

Talk later and we want details of the awesome job you did today at work

Your friend

Stressless

[annie45]

Yes! Thanks for the kick up the bum Stressless

Stop thinking

I'll stop by your wonderful circle later. I try to avoid being online after dinner so probably no campfire snacks, but maybe an arvo cuppa