help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[annie45]

Thanks Quercus and Stressless

Just to clarify, we are confident it was just this one mole that was an issue - it came up fast and looked different to the rest. The follow up screening will be just to make sure. I used to laugh saying he would be the last one to get cancer due to the amount of screening he gets -ha not so funny now. It's just that word, Cancer, that sets us off. It's frightening

I haven't seen my counsellor for two weeks and my next appointment isn't until next week (that's what happens when you underplay how you're feeling). Next time I will be a bit more honest.

Back with the first cancer battle, it was easier because I used to drink. We would get drunk together and get everything off our chest. If fact we were drunk for a week and ate just toasted cheese sandwiches after his diagnosis. We shared everything and it was easier to cope. Unfortunately these days I'm a bit more responsible and hate hangovers so there isn't that release. You're right I do need to talk, and since I have given up the hangovers I don't anymore. I just find it so very hard. Not because I don't trust people - I just don't like to do it?

I was feeling low anyway, and when hubby got down it was like someone put a mirror up and showed me the effects my mood has on the house. I saw him snap at the kids, be grumpy and silent and it made me feel horrible because is that what I'm like?

Hubby is back to normal now (mood wise) and I've got Van on in the background. Unfortunately my treadmill is broken but I'm working tonight so i might join in with the class - it does help me feel better.

I've got this it's just going to take some time.

Take care

Annie

[annie45]

Feeling cranky and over it today. My poor gym members don't know what is about to hit them. They are going to sweat tonight!

[Guest_3712]

So funny Annie

you go girl!

Stressless

[annie45]

Hit a new low yesterday.

I found myself resenting my hubby and kids. I was thinking that if it wasn't for them then I could be free.I could escape from being me, from feeling like I do. I could just do it.

I pictured myself finishing a 20km race. I'm at the 18km mark and my body is tired I want to stop but I know they are waiting at the finish line, waiting for me so instead of stopping I drag my legs to finish the last 2kms. They are proud but I'm just in pain.

I felt so frustrated with myself that I've attached these people to me at I can't let down.

Today, I'm not as low, but very rattled by these thoughts. I'm trying not to dwell on them at just let them go. Today, I'm thankful that I have attached these people to me that I can't let down.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie

What a champion you are- and I don't just mean the running even though that is awesome!

I think I would be incredibly motivated if you were my trainer.

As to your family being attached to you , yes they are but in a good way.

You have the greatest opportunity to show your family what strength and commitment can overcome. You are already doing that . They must be so proud and so should you.

Its a daunting responsibility to have children but how good is it that we know things now our parents didn't.

From health issues like obesity and smoking and now MI . Annie can you just stop for a minute,'go look in a mirror and repeat over and over, " I am a good role model for my children" I am strong . I am awesome

Because you are you know - start to believe it Annie . We all do .

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Sorry I have not been around lately. Life and all that.

Cancer is a scary word. We all know it starts from the smallest thing and be disastrous. Not meaning to frighten you, just to say I know how threatening and overwhelming it can be. I have had breast cancer twice. First time in 2001 then 2015. Five year follow up program. Obviously the the first follow up found nothing but annual mammograms from then on until another cancer was found. Now in my second year of monitoring. So yes, I know how distressing it is when we think it's over but find it's not.

So what can you do? Your husband is getting the medical attention he needs and these days it is really amazing how much effort is put into the care and follow up of those unfortunate to get a cancer. You are running in a race and it's tiring and you are also struggling to reach the end. At the same time the tiredness gets to you and you just want to rest, have no responsibilities, just live life in slow lane.

I think you are seeing a counsellor, is that correct? Perhaps you could discuss your needs, how much rest you need and how much help you should receive. We all do this Superwoman pose but unfortunately we do not have unlimited resources. What's the best way to support the family, make best use of resources (your health and happiness), be a good role model. As Stressless has commented, you are strong and awesome. It takes strength to look after yourself because we have been indoctrinated to put ourselves and our needs last where they invariably fall off the end of the queue.

I spoke to my GP about some needs and habits of mine they I have tried to hide for years. Don't want to talk about them because it makes me feel a failure, and there is the problem. Once I had managed to talk about these things I wanted to hide and cry. I wanted to take it back and pretend it hadn't happened.

Try writing down all these hidden secrets and release them one at a time with your counsellor. I think you will find it becomes easier when your counsellor does not immediately tell you how bad you are. You are human, I know, I hate that comment, but it's so true. Let go a bit at a time, see your counsellor more often and practice remembering you do great things for others and deserve great things for yourself.

I want to thank you for allowing me to support you. I feel useful but most of all I get help from talking to others who have gone through or going through bad times.

Mary

[annie45]

Thank you Stressless,

Thank you Mary

[annie45]

Hi Mary

I wanted to thank you for all your fantastic replies. I'm sorry that you're not feeling well at the moment but I hope today is better for you.

You do indeed support me and I find a lot of wisdom and experience in your replies. You are strong and awesome and I know there are many of us on the forums that are extremely grateful for all the effort and time you put in.

I'm thinking of you today and I hope that you get a reprieve from all of your pain.

Annie

[annie45]

Thanks Stressless

thanks for the vote of confidence and the ego boost.

You too are strong and awesome. You are an excellent role model and I really appreciate all your posts on these forums. I'm thinking of you today as I know it's going to be hard for you as you have your last visit with your mum.

I'm sending you a virtual hug and a reminder that you are strong and awesome.

Annie

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Thanks for you lovely comments. Much appreciated.

Yes I feel much better today and hopefully for a long time. I think the pain relief was also causing me difficulties while controlling the pain. So not taking anything at the moment and I am really feeling much better.

Mary