help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

I think you are doing fine. New jobs are always nerve-wracking. I remember the day I started my last job. Memorable because I didn't start that day. I had to phone in and tell them I had the 'flu. How to impress the boss. I started three days later and spent two days at work, then the weekend and then another couple of days off. But I really was unwell.

To make matters worse I didn't get paid. I worked in state public service and had transferred from one agency to another and as they all used the same payroll system it should have been straight forward. However the person who processed my transfer put in a code that said I was on unpaid leave. Fortunately I had lovely HR people who organised a manual payment. So much for making a quiet entrance.

I noticed Quercus asked what you were going to do in the new job. I too am curious about the different jobs people have. Starting in five weeks I believe. I am sure it will be all you hoped for.

I agree with Stressless. We do the best we can and we do it with lots of love for our families. What other people think is no concern of ours.

Simply talking to your counsellor was a help I suspect but good that you had some strategies for starting the new job. Over the years I have discovered you get more help by deciding what you want to talk about. I eventually learned to think first about the current worry or concern and talk about that. It did seem a bit disjointed at times because each visit had a different focus but after a while I began to see patterns in my life and how I managed. Some I wished I had not seen but in the end it was good.

Thank you for saying I deserved good Karma. I think we all do as we all do such awesome work on ourselves and for our families.

Mary

[annie45]

Hi ladies
Thanks for your kind replies
I'm doing a bit better this past week. In the past I have fought my depression. I've tried to outthink it - devising strategies to control and beat it. I've fought against it, denied it exists, shamed myself for succumbing to it. I've tried to distract myself from it but ended up making myself so busy I simply became exhausted.
News flash - it didn't work

I'm now simply trying acceptance. The thoughts and feelings suck. But i just acknowledge they exist and are part of the depression. I don't analyse them, figure them out, try to beat them - i just let them come and let them go. By doing so I feel as though I have been able to let go of a lot of my anger, fear, frustration and shame.

My new job isn't my issue- it was just something to blame. I do have strategies in place and I'm feeling better about it. (It's relief teaching in local primary schools)

I think you're right Mary (funny about that). I've been subconsciously fighting my counselling sessions. Horribly frustrated that I need to do them and deeply afraid of the demons they bring up. I'm really not good at opening up and I think having some control and targeting what is discussed might make them more effective.

Stressless I think the windscreen analogy is great. Sometimes we get caught up looking inwards that we lose sight of where we are going and what we want.

Thanks again ladies. I hope today is a good day for you all

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

How are you going? I don't think I have come across your posts recently but I may have been looking in the wrong places.

How are your counselling sessions going? Do you feel more relaxed about them? My counsellor is away as is my psychiatrist and the support person who helps me a great deal.

I see you are nervous about these sessions as it may unlock your demons. The good thing about talking to a counsellor is being able to talk in a safe environment and to take it slowly. I understand when you step out of the room you will need to deal with the stuff that has been unearthed, and it can be upsetting. So keep an eye on the time and ask the counsellor before it's time to leave to show you how to manage in the space between counselling sessions.

I find there are still parts of me I would like to get rid of. Shame keeps me quiet when I should be looking at them with different eyes. One day I tell myself, one day.

Come and chat to us.

Mary

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie

Just echoing Mary and hope you are doing ok .

Thinking of you

Stressless

[annie45]

Hi Mary and Stressless

Thankyou for your posts. Same old same old at the moment. I've been reading your posts but didn't have much to contribute.

I struggle to open up and sometimes it's comforting just to shut up shop.

I was saddened to hear your story Mary and I hope that even if you don't get justice you are able to get some closure.

Please know that I appreciate your care and I'm thinking of you all

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Thanks for keeping us up to date. There is no need to post in if the brain has retired for a short while. 😊 We will still be here when you need us.

Thank you for your support. I doubt there will be much formal justice but he is firmly in the sights of the authorities so I guess that will have to do. I am much better, so while I do get cross sometimes it impinges on me less and less.

When you want to talk about something here you will know and feel comfortable. There is a lot to be said for anonymity. I'm sure you will be making contributions in the future, but if this does not happen it's OK.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

How are you going?

I like how you called it shutting up shop. That makes sense to me. Lock the doors. Shut the windows. Put up the closed for business sign.

I used to do this when I was really low. Does it help you though? It helped me get through the day but didn't help me feel better long term.

Is there anything you want to talk about?

Thinking of you.

[annie45]

You're right Quercus I am low.

It's been a tough week. Hubby had a mole cut off his face which turned out to be skin cancer. It's ok, they are confident that they got it all but he will now need to have a full body skin review and monitored every 12 months. Before we were married I watched as hubby battled cancer for twelve months, operations, chemo, radiation the lot. It was horrible. He's on a 12 month surveillance program and he's been clear for 10 years but I know it still plays on his mind (and mine). The news last week predictable brought him down and me too. He's managed to bounce back but I'm still floundering.

I don't know if it's the chicken or the egg. Has this news brought me down or was I going down anyway? If only I could open up to myself, if only I could tell myself what the issue is so then I could tell others. It's such a strange foreign feeling to not even know the reason for my mood.

I'm ok, just low. It's school holidays at the moment and the kids are keeping me on my toes.

I hope you are all going ok. I'm glad that your pain meds are beginning to work Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Wow that is something massive you probably needed to get off your chest!

Watching someone you love fighting off cancer is very hard. Such a feeling of helplessness which you don't show because you want to be strong for them and keep them positive. Have you talked to your counsellor about this? The unknown element is very frightening.

When my autoimmune disease was at it's worse I didn't let anyone see how it truly affected me. Made jokes. Kept it lighthearted. Especially to my husband. But that wasn't really good for me inside. I feel like I swallowed all the rage and fear and pain and helplessness and buried in my stomach.

That feeling is still there eating me away. On a day when I feel a bit low (even if I'm not sure why) it comes out to play havoc. Just sounded similar to what you talked about.

My point? We need to talk about it. Yell. Scream. Get it out somehow. Do you feel like this at all? The psychologist I saw talked about writing it down I tried this. It's not violent enough for me 😊.

I found putting angry music on headphones and exercising helps. Bit of Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie and Rammstein and a little bit of Tool and just allow myself to get angry, really brutally angry at life. And take it out on the machine 😊. Then once I feel stuffed I switch to uplifting music (Jon Bellion) and just close my eyes and cruise along. Then usually a bit of a cry. And a hot shower then a bath to calm down. It does help me thought I'd just share in case it helps you too.

Thank you for trusting us all enough to share that. I hope hubby gets the all clear soon. Being the supportive and positive spouse is awesome but just remember to take care of yourself too 😊. Thats where we come in.... Vent to your heart's content. That should be the motto for the forums huh.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie,

Sorry to hear about hubby's diagnosis and hope he gets the all clear soon. So very hard to deal with this on top of everything else.

I will be thinking of you and sending you positive vibes .

Take care

Stressless