help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[The_Abyss]

Hi Annie - just checking in on you, seeing how you are.

How are the communications going with your husband? Have you been able to open up with your GP or counsellor? Congratulations by the way on making an appointment. How long do you have to wait?

If you don't feel comfortable opening up to your counsellor, would it be worth getting a management plan from your GP and seeing a psychologist (you get 6 free visits and then can reapply for 4 more). Would it be easier opening up to someone you have no history with? To discuss all of your concerns?

Just a quick post (it's 3 am and I'm haunting the corridors) to make sure you are OK.

May the sun shine and your flowers grow.

TA

[annie45]

Thank you TA, Mary and Quercus for your posts.

I'm ok. I'm keeping myself distracted and busy until my appointment on Tuesday. I've rallied a bit since last weekend so I'm concentrating on staying here and not slipping.

I really appreciate all your information and advice of the meds issue. You have definitely reduced some of my fears regarding them. My perception of myself, this depression and my shame/weakness remains however And this is my major barrier. I don't think I can consider them until I can resolve some of these feelings. I know its the black dog messing with my thinking, but I guess he's pretty good at what he does. None of us would be on the bb forums if he wasn't!

I realise that this attitude is probably very frustrating and I don't want you thinking that you're wasting your time, because I really appreciate your words. Part of me has come around and wants to explore them, but I just cant.

I hope that you all find a little bit of peace today

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

As I said, this is your decision. I am glad we were able to shed some light on the problem.

Shame is a pervasive emotion and I think it takes a while to realise why you are ashamed and indeed what you are ashamed of. I'm in that category too. Sometimes I think I am a good person only to have a complete change of mind when something goes amiss. Ridiculous? Yes but it has a very strong hold.

I will make one comment. Ask you counsellor if meds will help you to resolve your shame issues. Good luck on Tuesday. I hope you will tell us how it goes.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

Nah it's not frustrating. I think most people seem to go through the same thing. I did. You just have to work it through in your own mind and decide for yourself.

Personally I know I tried everything the psych recommended totally threw myself into 'getting better'. It was only at breaking point I gave in and asked for help and meds. I wish I'd done it earlier but it has to be your choice I think so that you are committed to taking the meds properly even if you start to feel better.

Shame is a hard one. I remember someone at work told me I had 'taken the easy way out' by taking meds. I laughed at him and said 'nah mate that would have been me hurting myself rather than accepting I couldn't do this alone'.

He went on and on about all of the other things I 'should have tried'. And I laughed again and said 'yep I did every one of those things. Sometimes it's a chemical imbalance and we just need help'. He shrugged and walked away.

My point is there will always be percieved shame and judgement. But you know yourself and what you feel inside and what is normal for you and what's not. And what you've tried and whether you've given it your all or not. It is totally up to you what you feel you need or want to try. There's no judgement here we're all in the same boat.

Thinking of you and hoping today is a good day for you.

[annie45]

Thanks ladies

Forgive me Mary but it's time for me to chuckle at you. You are so wise, so part of me thinks you may already know the counsellors response to the shame and meds question - well played.

Haven't been feeling the greatest the past few days. As the appointment tomorrow gets nearer the more anxious I become. I have never hated doing something so much as going to see my counsellor. Crazy because she too is a wise, compassionate and caring women (sounds terrible hey!). One time after I left I booked in for a massage because my body was that tense during the session it hurt.

I start a new job in six weeks - was supposed to be 4 but I extended it. Everyone I tell is excited for me and tells me that I'll be great but I just don't see it. I'm so frustrated that this depression is stopping me from being excited, I fear that it's going to impact on the job and I won't be able to do it well.

I realised this morning taking my son to school that I haven't been able to enjoy any of this year. It's his first year and I feel as though I missed out on all the excitement the other mums are feeling. I've been able to put on a brave face so they don't know how crap I feel inside and have been able to join in their social circle but feel as though it's all pretend, it's just an illusion. I'm scared because these are times that I can't get back and I'm wasting them. I always pictured myself as the active school mum - helping with the bake sale, doing the readers in the classroom but at the moment I couldn't think of anything worse.

Feeling sorry for myself today -sorry for the woe is me speech.

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

No apology is ever needed. Being a member of the Shaky Foundations Club entitles you to be sorry for yourself now and then.

Not really seeing your son through his first year is sad. You do have the second semester though. Remember to take photographs. My youngest son came to see me yesterday to introduce me to his new partner. He and his wife are divorced and he has been very unhappy until the past few months. It was so lovely hearing him and I rather suspected what was in the wind. I think they will both be happy together.

Please feel free to chuckle at me. When we can see the funny side of life it shows we are still alive and kicking. I may have had an idea of what your counsellor would say but it's worthwhile to ask others, especially as she has the training. Do you know what you are going to talk about tomorrow? How about listing a couple of topics that bother you and make some notes about them. It may help you to slow down your worry and be more involved with the counsellor.

The times we miss out on and cannot replay the tape. I think this is true for all of us and it's always disappointing. So do what you can and take pictures. I have started to scrapbook these treasures and write stories about them. These are the stories you will both remember.

Because of one of my volunteer jobs I had a list of definitions of love from a group of 4-8 yo. I will give you a couple. My favourite is the last one.

When somebody loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy age 4.

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby age 7

When my grandmother got arthritis she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca aged 8

There was a contest to find the most caring child. The winner was a 4yo boy whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard and climbed onto his lap and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing. I just helped him cry".

Amazing! Your son will remember you loved him during his first year at school even if you were unable to be there all the time.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

Annie - I think we all get a bit anxious leading up to our counselling visits, particularly if it has been a while since we have been. It's the unknown. What will they say? What will they think? What will I feel? What memories will be stirred up? We often find ourselves getting edgy as the time draws near, and normally get such relief once we have been. Are there other situations that make you edgy? What do you do to distract yourself?

It is a shame that you feel you have missed so much of young master's first year. Depression robs us of the joy to be found in so many situations. "Fake it until you make it". It is not too late to get involved. Choose something small. Can you do the canteen roster with the new job? It's a great social outlet, young master will get a real buzz out of it, and you might even find you enjoy it! What about the school reading program? Are there any other volunteer jobs you can get involved in? They could help build your confidence for work as well as allowing you to do something special for your son.

New jobs can be scary, but don't keep putting it off. Embrace the change. Once again that unknown that we fear. Perhaps this is a topic you can talk over with your counsellor, get tips to prepare yourself?

I wanted to reassure you too about the meds. As you know, I resisted them with every part of me. I resisted the labelling of having a "mental illness". I resisted the stigma attached not only with meds, but also the diagnosis. I came to breaking point one day and it was a "condition of sale" that I try the meds to avoid more serious interventions. I felt it was a defeat at the time, but felt so much better after they cut in. Yes, I am in the middle of a major crisis at the moment, but that does not make me any less a supporter.

Mary has some wonderful insights. She has shared some of her kids quotes with me before, and it's always a joy reading the simplicity of childhood beliefs. We have so much to learn from them.

May you be blessed with sunshine and happiness.

TA

[annie45]

Thanks ladies
I think my brain has been going around and around to fast for the past week and now it's worn itself out and come to a rest. Unfortunately that means that I've closed myself off and detached from myself. It came down to fight or flight - and I've chosen flight.

Yesterdays counselling session was ok. I didn't have a plan going in so I just mentioned that I wasn't great, was worried about the new job and left it at that. The counsellor focused on that and we went through some good strategies for overcoming the worry.

Mary I loved your quotes - they were very sweet and made me reconsider how my kids view the world - in a nicer, more simplistic way. I hope you're doing ok. There is a lot of concern for you on the forums at the moment. Your words are always of such comfort to us, that we all hate to think that you are struggling with something at the moment. Karma isn't supposed to work this way. You give out so much goodness in the world, it's about time the goodness came your way.

TA - thank you for your suggestions re school. You're right baby steps might be the way to go. I 'll try to find something I can do and sign up. I did keep myself distracted - easy when you have kids at home. I now also have one fridge that has been cleaned from top to bottom - didn't see that one coming

Quercus
I've already posted on your page. I hope today is a better day for you and you begin to feel the relief from your meds.

You are all in my thoughts today - take care

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Just wanted to come and thank you for your replies on my thread. I'm feeling ok at last. More stable. Back on the old meds and they are working thank goodness.

How are you going? How long now till you start the new job? What kind of field is it in if that's ok to ask. New jobs are always nerve wracking but it will pass hopefully once you start and find your feet.

How have you been feeling? Have you continued to keep up with your counsellor?

Anyway I just wanted to say hello mostly and that your support and words have really helped me. Thank you.

[Guest_3712]

Hi annie

Have been searching the forums looking for you . I've been reading your posts and one thing really stands out to me

you are a very intuitive person- you picked up on some of my issues and believe it or not you are very in tune with yourself

You just need some self confidence that you are doing the best you can

not what others say or think you should be doing . This is where we come unstuck- trying to live up to everyone else's expectations.

No one person has a complete grip on their life , let alone someone else's. As for your kids , again you can't be everywhere, just make the times you are count . Quality not quantity .

Unknown author :

Always look through the windscreen not the rear view mirror

Be kind to yourself

Stressless