Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

It's lovely to hear from you Shelly Anne. Your story, although very personal, has snippets of each of us in it. I've been where you are and still have days of horrible loneliness. But as things improve, those days are less.

The little girl I once was, isn't 'her'. It's still me. I asked myself what was inside my heart and 'I' answered. The 'you' you defined as being mother, wife and daughter are roles. Why you do things is about you, even if it's about avoiding conflict. It's still your decision. I'm changing how I make decisions and why. It's about what's in my best interest now.

I struggle sometimes to address a project that has financial and legal ramifications because it challenges the very core of my PTSD issues. I started out ignoring my office, but eventually stepped in and sorted some papers. It wasn't easy and didn't last long before anxiety set in. But each week I progress because I want the people that hurt me to be accountable. I need to be an adult instead of childlike to achieve what I deserve. I give this to myself. 

I do the same with housework and re-organizing my bedroom, kitchen and living spaces. I'm building a deck, carport and garage out back because that's what I want. 

Being myself challenges others to accept things about me that makes them uncomfortable. Like earning more money or having things others don't have. It takes courage and staying power and sometimes causes conflict. I had to change my communication with others and with myself. The words I use are different, my routine is different, my focus is different. I'm learning to walk away and think things over before I speak instead of just reacting with emotion. This is a trial and error exercise; I learn from my mistakes as well as success' and endeavour to move forward. And; I'm kind and realistic with myself.

All these things 'I' decided on. It was so hard saying "No!" for the first time to my mother; frightening actually. But I did it and kept saying it over and over until she stopped trying to lamb-baste me. It wasn't about winning for me so arguing wasn't necessary. That's why it took so long for her to 'get it'. I'm a grown up and have the right to say "No" if I choose to. We get on so much better now.

I love the new me evolving. I use less med's and have hit on some great insights that give me hope. My psychologist is wonderful and I deserve her.

We're all a work in progress. Live well because you want to; baby steps!

Respect...Dizzy xx

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy,

Happy new year - I hope this year is filled with love, health and laughter for you.

I read your last post and hear you about having a bit of a rough time at the moment. I can only imagine what it would be like to have your son threatened by someone and then hold back the emotions until you can do something through the right channels.

Big hugs - please know things will feel better soon.

I also write this for myself as I was only just boasting the other day on facebook about 11 weeks without depression being a 20 year record. Well 2 days after boasting and I've hit a pothole. Just a small one, nothing major, but it's still crap.

So keep holding on and I will too. 

Paul xxoo

[Scotchfinger]

I like reading your posts Dizzy. They are reflective and self-aware.

[Just Sara]

Hi Paul/Scotchfinger; Happy New Year to you both. Thanks for the complement SF. How do people find their aliases? Yours is so cryptic; out of the box.

Paul, I think you've replied to a post I did on a different thread. I'll have a look-see at it too. I'm sorry you had a relapse of sorts. I hope it wasn't too bad. Xmas is a time of reflection and not always a good one. I see you've swapped your photo for a kitty. Was this an effort to make a subtle change maybe? By the way, potholes happen; being on the path is the important thing eh? I wish you happiness and laughter too. You give so much of your time to others on this site. You've helped me enormously over the past couple of months and I'm very grateful my friend. I hope it's ok to call you that.

I had a lovely Xmas Day and New Years Eve. I was social which isn't what I thought I'd be. I made an effort to invite neighbours over to christen the new deck out back and had a few drinks ta boot. Paid for it, but it was worth it! LOL

My new med's have kicked in a treat! I didn't have high hopes as the first week was fraught with odd emotions and feelings. But I persevered and yesterday was the first day out of bed without head spins and vibrating body. I feel like a bit of the old confident me is returning and it's great as all the new rules for myself I'm learning are easier to implement. Actually, yesterday I felt the most lovely feelings of respite I've felt in over 18 months.

Finding myself has been hard work. The courage to face my demons and create a new set of rules (and stick to them) is paying off. I'm so proud.

My heart is full and here's to all of you. Love Dizzy xx

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy, mwah!

Calling me "friend" is completely fine 🙂

I'm feeling a bit better now almost back to normal.

I changed my pic because I was chatting on the "thread killer" forum about my cat, Miss Maggie and a few people were talking about her. I put her "meerkat" pic up. She's quite a little lady. In the pic she's on my balcony standing up on the sliding door just having a look in. I'm pretty sure she does this with my neighbours as well. They love her visiting.

Hugs

Paul

[Just Sara]

I started this thread because the person I thought I was, isn't me anymore. Transitioning from my old self to a newer version has been fraught with reliving trauma and fighting off outdated thinking and beliefs. The challenge this presents has had many ups and downs, most recently a major down.

Today I feel better than I have in the past few days after suffering a relapse of sorts. On the positive it didn't last as long as previous times, and on the negative, it's opened up some nasty memories better off left in the past.

The Xmas and New Period gave me some time out. I didn't attend to any of last years 'must do' projects and it was a nice respite. But reality has come crashing down and addressing my paperwork is on the cards for this week.

Being a victim of sexual violence and manipulation I realise now has had dire consequences to my mental health in ways I didn't understand. (Thank you Paul for your insight) The damage run deeper than anticipated, meaning I still need to deal with this insidious issue before I can find me under all the pain and self blame.

I used to know who I wanted to be, but it seems this was just another way of avoiding the past. The focus is still on running 'from' something instead of running 'to' something.

My psychologist suggested I return to study, but do it just for me. This feels foreign and selfish. I want so much to write and a thesis would give me more than enough to satisfy my yearning. However I've never studied before without work/promotion being my rationale.

I'm thinking; finding me might just be the problem! I maybe need to concentrate on creating me instead. When I use the term 'find', it suggests something that already exists. 'Creating' on the other hand denotes a 'new' way of being.

Food for thought.

Cheers...Dizzy

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy

Hugs

Jumping straight to the last thing you typed... Finding you or creating you... I think that we find our true selves by creating new patterns that break apart and replace the old negative patterns that hold us back and keep us in fear.

Paul xx

[Just Sara]

Hugs to you too Paul xo

Been living life and self assessing; creating and discovering me, my patterns and sighs of relief.

It's been painful though insightful and ending in a peaceful resolution. Baby steps have paid off with support from people such as yourself.

Having a quiet day with housework; learning to enjoy the normality of each moment. I'm so proud of my achievements; I've come a long way.

Dizzy xo

[Just Sara]

Today started out in panic, soared to heady height's from a new connection with someone I care about, then declined into a place of self loathing. I came across this thread I created with my very first post 12 months ago. It describes my need to find 'me'.

Near the end of the thread, I replaced 'find' with 'create'. To do this, I've been identifying old thinking, beliefs and behaviour, and replacing them with new ways. However, my reactive mind and chronic PTSD, interfered with the process today, causing me to slip backwards.

In my first post above, I wrote of me as a little girl dancing around my yard at dawn free and happy. (Dancing my way out of my own heart) I realise now, today's internal conflict came from this little girl; fearing punishment, rejection, loss and abandonment after doing something regrettable.

In our recovery, healing the present sometimes means finding the core of our pain in the past. I felt my little girls deeply damaged heart within me today; a reaction from doing something regrettable. Reactions to trauma comes in many guises; PTSD is one of them. To think this was how I tortured myself as a small child is very, very sad.

Growing from a little girl into adulthood, I spent most of my days in fear; exploring who/what I wanted to be was put on the back-burner, or only spoken of while taking part in a conversation about someone else's dreams; I always seemed to be on the cheering squad.

Forming new relationships is a process I'm presently stepping slowly back into. Over the past few weeks, my levels of anxiety etc have risen extensively causing panic and very unpleasant feelings/emotions. I'm finally acknowledging my little girl; her pain as well as her beauty. How I treat myself at this time, has to reflect an empathy deserving of her/my right to learn from mistakes without self loathing, punishment and fear.

I'm creating a new 'me'.

Dizzy xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Wow, I only just discovered this thread.

I'm a little speechless to be honest. The posts here have a very moving and powerful effect.

I have nothing particularly helpful or insightful to add. But I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts, and that I wish you all the best at creating the new Dizzy 😊

Dottie x