Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[jusrob10]

I can definitely relate to this post dizzy. However, I still find myself so confused and lonely, unable to find a way to venture out of this state. You mention that you have suffered for years, and now have had to retire. For me, I am only 23, didn't finish uni, and have just quit my first full time job. I am moving back home, to be surrounded by people who I believe don't understand me, because I don't understand myself. 

How did you manage to find what was really you? I have attemptedt  please others my whole life, but now I can't seem to differentiate between whether pleasing others is me, or if there is really more to me. I struggle to commit to anything, and am yet to truly see anything through to the end. I'm lost, alone, and have no idea what to do next.

[Paul]

Lawrie, Dizzy, 

Search "Felicia Ricci" on you tube. She has some awesome tutorials and lessons on singing for mid to advanced to keep voices happy and unstrained, and she's easy to listen to and fun.

Paul

[Paul]

Hey jusrob,

It sucks feeling like others don't understand you especially if that plays off not understanding yourself. That can lead to a whole lot of self doubt and lonliness 😞

I've noticed we bounce what others say and sometimes their perceptions of us too, off of our own perception of ourselves. You mentioned others don't understand you, and also you don't understand yourself. It's Ok to not understand yourself - as long as it's a work in progress. By work in progress I mean that we're constantly learning about ourselves sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.

Quickly learning about yourself requires that we tune in to what we're saying to ourselves in response to a thought or a feeling. It can take some practice to catch it but once we tune in to that, we're able to match up our behaviour with what happens externally through what we've said to ourselves. This has the bonus of short circuiting listening to our emotions - sometimes they can be a bit warpy when we're feeling crap.

Loneliness sucks! I understand what it's like and it's not pretty. I think that while you learn "you" by listening to your self talk, the loneliness will reduce because as you start to understand yourself, you accept yourself and like yourself more which reduces loneliness. Don't get me wrong having loved ones around is amazingly good, but what I'm trying to say is that loneliness will become "being alone" and being comfortable and happy being in your own company.

I've just touched on one aspect of getting to know yourself, there are certainly others. A trained counsellor or psychologist will be able to provide many more tips on this.

And... It takes a bit of time, it took me 40 years, but it was only when I started seeing my psych that things became clearer and my behaviours were explained.

That you have the curiosity and know that you'd like to know yourself better is a big plus.

Take care jusrob,

Paul

[Grunt]

Wow! Thank you Dizzy for creating a topic that undoubtedly describes where I am currently at in my life.

I'm a 29 year old male and have been living, diagnosed with depression for over two years now. Over the past few weeks I have encountered more "misadventures" as I like to call them than I have in the last two years. As a result the exceptional team of medical professionals helping me through this period have insisted that I take some time out (from work etc) to genuinely consider how I myself may be contributing to these occurrences and what I need to do/change to help contribute to improving my own mental health.

Initially, lifestyle choices in terms of working hours, excessive alcohol consumption, poor diet etc were easy to identify and should be easily rectified. However as I started to spend some time with myself, with no exterior influences I began to question if I am truly where I want to be in life or had I simply followed the path of expectation?

At 15 years old I completed my Year 10 School Certificate and decided continuing on with my education was not what I wanted to do at that point in time. It was something that I wanted to do eventually but not then. I was told by my mother that if I were to leave school then I was to gain full-time employment. I did. I was pretty good at the job and then an expectation was placed upon me to progress through the company and into management. I did. I was poached by another company and given a better role. I went, and so on and so on.

Work life was good, however the expectation of continuing my education was still lingering from family members. So, I enrolled in uni and after five years I graduated.

Along the way I always knew that I was bisexual. However this was not something I cared to share with anyone. I had two very serious relationships with women during my 20s one of which I now share a son with (we are separated though). These relationships were by no means a "cover" for my sexuality, I genuinely cared for both of these women and wanted to be with them at those points in my life - however always playing in the back of my mind was that those relationships are what my friends/ family expected me to be in. That was the social norm right?

 Now however, as I continue to spend time with just myself - I find myself wondering if this is actually where I want to be? Sure, I'm proud of my accomplishments but at the end of the day are they really what I wanted to accomplish?

[Paul]

Hey Grunt,

There certainly can be a lot of pressure from family, spoken and unspoken to carry out your life as they have mapped out for you. An interesting point, one of my ex boyfriends came out to his parents (at 43) and his dad's reaction was "I can't say that it's what I had in mind for you". Like it's his Dad's freaking decision anyway!

Just wanted to let you know that if feel like chatting about sexuality - there's a forum for all things GLBTI where like minded folks are happy to listen. Having said that, it's cool to chat here as well, just a suggestion.

You mentioned first up the misadventures and that you have a team of medico's helping you out. Sounds like you're having a rough time at the moment. I wonder if taking it easy, getting stable and worrying about other things when you are well would help.

Take care

Paul

[Blue_skies]

Wow Dizzy, thank you for sharing. It's so good that you are taking the opportunity to get the know the real you. Your story resonated with me, years of people pleasing and fears of rejection etc. 

It can be painful self evaluate and it's so true that negative emotions, depression and anxiety can really increase. Like you, I had some similar experiences and found that pressing on through the difficult emotions and detaching from negative relationships was essential to mental wellbeing. Although it can be a sometimes lonely and isolating experience, you will make the space for more positive experiences and people to move into your life.

 It's great you have a psychologist to help guide you through. Hang in there!

[Grunt]

Hi Paul,

thank you for the reply. I did notice the GLBTI forum and will certainly be making my way over there at some stage!

Yep am working closely with professionals at the moment however am into about the second week since my "misadventure", the first week is normally the toughest for me and the second is generally when I start to regain clarity - the dark cloud moves away. In saying that in the past when this has occurred, the second week is generally when I rush back to work and straight back into "normality". My team has insisted this time around though that I take the time for myself.  So having regained clarity and having all this time to myself has me thinking, in a positive way though! Thank you for your concern 🙂

[Paul]

Hey Grunt,

Listen to your team! You hit the nail on the head. Without fully recovering and easing back into things, the clouds roll back in 😞

Step by Step mate.

Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi all...been out of action for a few weeks. Needed some time out. I enjoyed reading all the above entries and found some solace in your words and discussions. 

To Jusrob10, you asked how I'm finding myself. I guess the simple answer is; to be true to me. It means taking care of my health, relationships and life. It means owning up to my greatness as well as my deficits, and most of all...understanding that love = respect, earned trust and the right to make informed decisions everyday of my life. I have choice!!! Even if I'm wrong.

I was in a relationship where I was subtly abused and used and conned into believing I was loved and admired and everything that went wrong was all my fault. This went on for over 2 yrs until I couldn't take it anymore. I finally sat myself down and asked me if I was happy and if this person contributed in a positive way to me, our union and future together. The answer was "No" The hardest thing to face was admitting it was me who stayed knowing I was being abused. Yes, it was the grooming and training I'd received growing up. But I am responsible for me none the less. I chose to stay. The cycle of abuse 101. 

To find me, I had to stop looking into the souls of others. I know myself more intimately than anyone else in the world. I just had to learn to respect myself and to make ethical choices that were in my best interest without purposely hurting others. That doesn't mean others can't feel insulted or hurt either. It just means that if I make a decision and someone hates me for it, that's their problem. I can always be approached to discuss their concerns. I can't be accountable for all and sundry. That's got to stop.

The opposite to love isn't hate; it's fear. It is the demon inside that reeks havoc on our lives. "If I say no will he still love me?" Try asking "How can I respect myself if I say yes?"

When I first began this strand, I spoke of me as a little girl enamoured by my own existence; self centred and dancing around to the beat of my beautiful heart. Who I was then is still inside me, only more cautious, knowledgeable and protective. Your issues above speak of loneliness, sexuality, grief, and mental health. I've lived all these things and more but I'm learning from me now instead of 'them'

I've given myself 'permission' to be me, to speak for me and support me. Courage is a rare spice indeed, but we require this to not only survive, but to 'live' instead of just existing. 

Respect...Dizzy xx

[Guest_1055]

Dear Dizzy,

I have read through your entire thread here. And I find this topic very deep. To be truthful, I don't think I know me either, I know how I feel, but that is not the same thing is it? ?? Because feelings and emotions can change, so it cannot really define who I actually am. Well I think that is right?? Also being a wife, mother, daughter does not say who I am either.

And I often feel like I only exist, but not live. Just like you said in your last sentence, in your last post. In fact I think I feel this majority of the time. Like I am existing in a dream, and not really living. I am hoping I make sense.

Someone said, I believe it was Paul replying in your thread said this :

"I think that while you learn "you" by listening to your self talk, the loneliness will reduce because as you start to understand yourself, you accept yourself and like yourself more which reduces loneliness. "

I have felt loneliness for a very long time, I think it has always been there, and I long not to feel this anymore. I am wondering now though if I did know me, then as Paul said the loneliness will reduce. 

I do hope I am not rambling on too much, sorry, if I am. It is just I want me to be free, whoever me is....

Anyway Dizzy this important topic is thought provoking.

Thank you so much to the little girl who had courage to dance right out of her heart.

Shelley anne xxx