Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Thanks 😊

Well, as is often said, old "habits" die hard (actually I think you said that but I'm lazy so paraphrasing in far fewer words).

I mean, it took a lifetime to learn your old "habits" (I'm using this term very loosely; I mean more patterns of behaviour and relationships) so unlearning those habits also takes time. It's a work in progress.

And you are an amazeballs work in progress. Power to you.

Dottie x

[Yoga_has_changed_my_life]

Hi Jus Rob

im 30.

Everyday I am learning something about myself.

Today I went for a walk with my dog as my head was racing. A walk in the sun was nice. But as I was walking I noticed I was smiling at everyone I passed. One guy didn't smile. Small things things like that used to worry me but I just remind myself it's ok. I kept walking and focused on the things I like. The pretty flowers. The smell of jasmine reminds me of my grandfathers house and I have it at my house. Remember the beautiful memories but always remember to look forward.

If you don't know what you want to do that's OK you've identified it. That's an amazing thing to have achimploshed. be proud of yourself!

[Yoga_has_changed_my_life]

Best of luck!!!

[Just Sara]

I want to say good morning everyone, but alas, it's afternoon. I've only been out of bed for an hr and half due to a massive anxiety attack last night. It was uncomfortable of course, then was followed by grief stricken and deeply hurtful crying that lasted for an hr.

So I won't be going in depth about anything today. It's difficult to explain to people who haven't experienced this phenomenon, how interfering it can be to our everyday lives. I missed an appt with my trainer at the gym this morning; I've rescheduled, but it's telling of how anxiety doesn't discriminate and has no boundaries of appropriate timing etc. It just is..

I am exhausted..

Not just because of last night, but my ever present need to move forward and 'heal' my poor damaged nervous system and soul. I'm wanting respite and a bloody long holiday! I have some things to attend to that require addressing now and can't be put off. But as soon as they've been attended to, I'm off on a driving holiday up and down the eastern states to visit with special people in my life who I haven't seen for a long time.

I've worked hard to be able to leave the safety of my home. Taking advantage of this is an important and relevant reward for my courage and determination. Kudos to me!!!

As soon as I can find a house sitter, I'll follow the wind as it takes me to destinations where life has meaning, sensory beauty and friendly mindless chatter can fill the air. I'm so looking forward to it.

I'll make a list of people and places to visit, but if I feel I want to divert from my map, all the better.

I'm taking my laptop with me as I'd miss the connection with you all so much, keeping in mind to stay away from hard hitting subjects that tempt my sense of empathy for others.

(Sigh...rubbing my eyes..) Staying patient and enthusiastic...Dizzy xoxo

[Cornstarch]

I'm sorry for your anxiety attack Dizzy.

Anxiety really is a taunting school yard bully. It's randomness is demoralising at times.

Your statement:

"keeping in mind to stay away from hard hitting subjects that tempt my sense of empathy for others"

I really, really struggle with this too.

Being a child carer means that I don't even notice I'm doing it, and I was punished if I didn't take on my father's pain. There is such a thing as having too much empathy, I have to attempt to clog my porous nervous system, it only makes me vulnerable to users and takers.

I must practice what I preach and channel time & energy into myself for a change.

Take care.

[Just Sara]

Well said Cornball!

You're absolutely on the money when you say over empathy can divert from self, a common theme within our threads and comments. We 'feel' deeply for others as we did in our homes growing up without the empathy for us we so deserved. Continuing that pattern needs a good dose of self insight and self interest that also (unfortunately) conjures up guilt for being 'selfish'. Who are we to deny that empathy for ourselves?

You're a courageous and beautiful person my lovely...you go girl! Your words of encouragement could also be well spent giving to the most important person in your life...YOU!

You're in my thoughts darl...Dizzy xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Virtual hug coming your way. This morning was extremely intense for you. Some time off to rest and recover sounds great. You deserve it.

See beautiful things, have beautiful conversations...maybe it will help rejuvenate you a little. You owe it to yourself 😉

Corny, you too. You take care of no. 1 too. You deserve it just as much.

Oxygen mask on self before the next person.

Hugs to all,

Dottie xxxxxxxx

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie;

I've been congratulated by Whiteknight for my 500th post, but you beat me to the punch! Well done young'n!! I wouldn't have noticed, but Tony did God bless him.

It's 3am and eyes are gradually closing thank goodness. I wait for that feeling so I can sleep un-medicated.

So Nigh-night and sweet dreams lovely...Dizzy xo Zzz Zzz z z z z z z

[Just Sara]

Fear of love...

I've written before about misinterpreting fear as love, and love as fear. This confusion has only come out in the open after digging deep into my past and heart. The problem is, when these feelings touch the surface, it can send me running for the hills. (tears..)

I'm an emotional wreck. I so wish I wasn't. Triggers; post trauma responses, have a way of making me feel like a victim and a perpetrator at the same time. I fear I may end up alone and lonely, like the old hag at the end of the street in the creepy run down house with un-mown lawns.

Forming new relationships frightens me to death.

So many of my intimate connections have gone by the wayside. I've loved so deeply, so desperately and all encompassing, it drove a twisting stake through my heart and out again when things ended.

I want to be able to love again, I really do. My childhood dream of home and family has nearly lost its 'use-by' date. It's morphed into a more adult version yes, but instead of finding and accepting someone to share it with, I'm realising now it's 'me' who's threatening this life long fantasy; my fear, my love.

I'd be lying if I said this hasn't tempted me to self expire many times. It's still there. I don't know if I could risk my mind, body and deep paradoxal heartfelt love one more time. I'd like to...just to feel again.

As I've said earlier in this thread, I'm not dead from the waist down, but I may be from the waist up; in frozen limbo...

Call me Ishmael...

Dizzy xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Well done, you! You've given so much of yourself here. Glad Tony WK noticed- good on him!

Thanks...don't get too excited ha, ha...I'm just nosy and poke around the forums hence all the posts. That, and I'm sure a sizeable percentage is my goofing off at the Friends Cafe (love the guys there) 😉

Thoughtful, sad post on love btw. No surprises, I'm sure, but when it comes to love, I have no answers- my family and ex-boyfriend weren't exactly the best examples. Actually, I've no answers for lots of things.

I think love can be fragile, and sadly there's no guarantee that any one relationship will be forever. People change, priorities change, love changes, life changes...it's hard, isn't it? Maybe everyone wants love and maybe everyone wants forever- and with the right person too. But that's not always easy to come by.

I'm just rambling now...I guess love means taking a risk.

I know you're hurting. I know this is painful for you. I know you want to be loved but have been hurt before. Don't know the right thing to say but I hope you keep holding on.

Thinking of you. Sorry you're doing it tough.

lots of virtual hugs!

Dottie xxxxxxxxxxx