Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Getting to know me...fun

Yesterday I spoke with a Lifeline counsellor who reminded me how I push myself so hard in my recovery mode, I forget to reward my progress and take 'time off' to just 'be' and reap from the seeds I've sewn. I won't be posting on other threads today to put this into practice, however sharing my thoughts on my 'blog' is what I like doing, so I continue.

Again last night, a friend reminded me about cultivating 'fun', and how I'd forgotten how. Isn't it ironic? I use the term 'wisdom' and automatically go into recovery mode. Enjoying being in my skin has to be included in this concept, as life is short and bodies age. So many on here cry for help that they can't get out of their heads; I've been in this group for many years.

Physical pleasure is avoided and pushed to the background to deal with mental and emotional anguish. At least this is what's happened with me. Connecting to my body's needs and desires has been fraught with flashbacks and fear for so long, I'd forgotten the capacity my body has to release the 'fun beast' without guilt, shame or fear of reprisals.

For all young'n's who read this, being in my mid 50's doesn't mean I'm dead from the waist down; on the contrary. Be it commonplace or rare, categorising women with high libido's as nymphomaniac's, can be personally devastating. Things may be different in this new age, so as much as the 60's and 70's bought sexual freedom, it took time for acceptance of feminine desire to become 'normal'. I'm a product of that era.

Having physical fun without emotional attachment, is difficult to contemplate, but I figure, worth pursuing. I've tried to be as tactful and respectful as I can in relaying my thoughts; I hope it's taken as my disclosure of openness and honesty. I don't speak for anyone but me; please remember this when reading.

Using the term 'libido' is deceptive. I'd like to think of it as releasing pure passion. A pro active combination of assertiveness and vulnerability with another. I miss this..

To close, and this is very personal, passionate kisses cannot be imagined effectively enough to replace the real thing. Re learning how to completely immerse myself in the throws of physical passion will give my poor overworked brain the respite it sorely needs and deserves.

I am unapologetic..

I am a deep well of unexplored physical divinity...Dizzy xoxo

[Just Sara]

To QM, Dottie and Corn Cobber;

I'd like to address each post above individually, but I'm still in a place of growth and deep contemplation. I love that you all are following my path of self discovery and given me support and beautiful responses; it's humbling.

I care for you very deeply and want to support you all with your journey's as well. It is my intent that's important, not my inability to cope with this at present. I will endeavour to reconnect in the days to come, but for now I must go within and continue my journey of self realisation.

Our future's await us...with bated breath Mwah! Hugs!

Dizzy xoxo

[Cornstarch]

So happy for you Dizzy.

Don't answer these questions, this is my stream of consciousness speaking.......

What flavour of contemplative awareness is Dizzy in?

Vipassana? Transcendental? Zen?

Enjoy your retreat!

[Cornstarch]

Kundalini

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

This was quite a suprising read for me (not gonna lie ha, ha).

As one of the "young 'n's" who read this, it was eye opening. You know, I have to admit that I hadn't previously given much thought about what 50-something year olds wanted.

And you know what?

Power to you.

Go and discover yourself in every sense of the word, be it physical, emotional, spiritual and any other "als" out there. You deserve this. Happy for you 😊

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Oh Corny;

Did you think I wouldn't know what the Kundalini Rising was? Hmmm?...well I do! And how!!!!!

I've experienced it first hand and can honestly say it was 'mind blowing' he he. Oh yeah baby!

Couldn't resist replying and bragging lol BTW...Vipassana! Purple and gold..

Dottie...hey there!

I don't know if I'm the exception to the rule or not, all I can say is what 'me' is or ain't. We're all beautiful inside..

Dizzy xoxo

[Just Sara]

Getting to know me...

Motivation..

I've very recently realised that motivating myself was all about the 'other guy'. Pleasing, gratifying etc...my self image was no less a symbol of this. How I present myself to others was never about me! Why did it take me so long to learn this?!

When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was someone who's image projected outwards...

My last entry spoke of 'fun' and my desire to experience physical intimacy. It was mainly about 'giving' that's been at the forefront in this respect. (To others I mean) However, the past couple of days, I'm understanding how my image is made up of many attributes; looks, health, strength, vitality, longevity, passion and so on. I deserve those things as much as I've wanted to project them. (so I was perceived in a way that up till now gave me a sense of safety; delusional at best)

Them...them...them...it's been my world of pain and happiness. Having an opportunity for fun, would be nice. But where do I stand when it comes to living it, doing it, being it? What motivates me? Well, me...being able to enjoy that experience as a separate entity; that's what. Just writing this makes sense.

For once in my life, I want to concentrate on doing it for me...being the best I can be so 'I' enjoy things at the maximum level possible. I have no control over anyone else or how they treat me, but I can respond in kind...I have that power and it feels really good!

I won't go into specifics; it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. What matters, is I'm finally, after 56 yrs willing to treat myself to some long overdue self care and hard work with a great goal in mind. I'm preparing to do the deed with such passion and Will, my 'mojo' is going to bring me to my knees. If 'them' gets something out of it, all the better. (hmm...being a bit cagey with description, but you get my meaning yeah?)

We don't often talk about 'fun' on BB; it's a shame.

Doing my kiegal exercises as we speak! Ah ha ha ha, ahhh sigh..sorry..

Yes..what I look like is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Under the surface lies a massive energy waiting to be unleashed and expressed; release the beast! (Why is it that men are allowed to discuss this and I feel so nasty? Something for a later post me thinks. I'm not male bashing either; just describing a generalised personal perception. Each to his/her/their own)

Golly gosh...today's post is long.

Till next time lovely's...Dizzy xoxo ;-D

[Just Sara]

I just picked up on something I wrote; '..bring me to my knee's'

I've had people bring me down my whole life because I dared rise up to be seen and heard. Enough!!!

I won't be bringing myself down (to my knee's) either. I deserve greatness, life and pleasure, and it's up to me to decide what and who that entails. Are they or is 'it' worthy of me? Yes, that's the question...

Mwah!

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

I think it's great that you're defining your own life- and all that that entails- on your own terms (as it should be but hasn't been for most of your 56 years).

Be the person that you want to be, have the fun you've missed out on, have your liaisons, and above all, define Dizzy and Dizzy's wants/needs/etc on Dizzy's terms. That's great stuff.

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

What a great reply Dottie;

You've really given me food for thought. On my own terms...very impressive insight D girl.

'On my own terms' seems a new concept, especially when it comes to decision making. I won't say completely though, as I wouldn't have survived all these yrs without some sense of precautionary will and behaviour. Like drumming into myself a 'safety' word for times I lose perspective through automatic responses and old habitual thinking; lack of boundaries.

For those of us with fog brain as a normal everyday occurrence, decision making has its traps. Being caught up in an emotional moment is one of those traps; the defences are down and choice can be limited, depending on the situation of course. 'Shooting from the hip' is another; not filtering communication (to/from) during conflict or danger for instance. This can be from fear, revenge or even my own childlike mentality. (Lack of self control)

The premise however, is to defend, protect and promote 'self' as my priority. No more 'them' first. What is in my best interest???? Great question! (Health/well-being, independence, foresight, safety and financial stability/security)

But I think more than all these, is self insight and understanding/accepting my limits. Ergo...some things may never change and continue to be a source of frustration.

I guess this means staying away from situations where my barriers will be down and temptation is too difficult to cope with...'them' will always be more important unfortunately.

A wonderfully in depth contemplative subject Dottie..well done!

Cheers...Dizzy xo