Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Thankyou so much Pepper;

Your explanation is what I needed to understand where you were coming from and what caused the flare up.

The problem was, when I read your response I expected the same firm hand with kindness you show me here. Had you pasted the offending paragraphs and outlined your reasons, I don't think I would've felt so bad.

As I said, it wasn't the content, there seemed to be venom in your words. I don't want to hurt you either, but the way it came across was a bit of a shock.

To be completely honest; sigh, this is really hard to write. It felt like you were screaming at me.

I've been trying to sort thru why I was so upset - looking for clues, asking for clarification, trying to see where I'd gone wrong and now I get it; it's all been about you losing faith in me. I thought I'd lost you...

tears and more tears...

I won't write anymore as I'm a bit of a mess.

Love you;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Oh Sez,

I don’t want to see you cry. I know you’re feeling hurt and I’m sorry. If I was around in person, I would offer you a great, big hug...

You never “lost me.” Just because I’m upset, it doesn’t mean that I would stop loving, caring or respecting you. You’re in my heart of hearts...

I understand why you felt like I was “screaming” at you and I’m truly sorry. I wrote my original post when I was very upset and even my first follow-up post (on this thread) was written when I was still pretty upset (less so but still upset). I probably should have waited before responding...I’m sorry.

I want you to know that you won’t lose me just just because I got upset over a post. I don’t look at an isolated incident(s) but I look at the “big picture.” And to me, the “big picture” says you’re worth it as my friend. I’m capable of being upset but still caring very deeply about a person.

My personal lesson is to not write when I’m feeling very upset and to ask you for clarification rather than automatically jumping to conclusions. Also to be more sensitive and gentle when I’m offering an alternative perspective...I’m sorry...

Please know that I don’t think any less of you and I haven’t lost faith in you. I hope you haven’t lost faith in me either. As I said, you’ll always be my friend.

How I wish that I could actually give you a hug and help you dry your tears (that I caused...I’m sorry).

Whatever our miscommunications and mishaps, I still think you’re the best 😉

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

I’m worried about you. I hope you don’t decide to go into “hiding” (so to speak). Take your time with things but at the same time, you’ve done nothing wrong. Please know that...I still think the world of you and want you to hold your head up high❤️

I feel communication is imperfect at best...even between the closest of friends. As I said, you haven’t lost me and I haven’t lost faith in you. Please, please know that...

You’re a wonderful friend (and person) and it’s my blessing to know you. I’m really, really sorry...why do I have to open my mouth sometimes? Sigh.

Holding your heart in mine...

Love you...the warmest hug ever...

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

Darling Pepper;

I knew you'd be upset reading my last entry. I'm here to quell your fears and finish commenting as it's an important revelation.

My triggers are important to me. They provide quality information, albeit upsetting and confusing at the time. I'm fine btw; response times are far less than they used to be, so I'm still strong and focused.

Your loving and insightful words were expected and are highly valued as always. I agree with everything you've said and know we've both grown from this experience.

So, I was triggered by fear of loss. Close connections for me haven't been really successful in the past. When I'd open up about things upsetting me, they'd leave and wouldn't return. If I shut up and tried to let it go, it ate away at me and I'd end up leaving.

When I read 'that' post, those experiences came to the surface, but as usual were invisible to the naked eye; fear of speaking, fear of not speaking. It was just a 'feeling' at that point.

My process with uncovering the cause of such feelings is to talk. It works and has done so in this instance also. (Thank baby Jesus!) I see you've done some self analysis as well; you've suffered at the hands of your emotions just as I have in the past with writing while upset.

I know I can count on your honesty and openness. You've proven yourself time and again. You couldn't have predicted my response as even I couldn't, so what hope did you have?

It wasn't you that triggered me just so you understand. My issues lie with my inability to speak up; it's a long standing pattern of behaviour that's gradually getting better. Let's just say the Universe provides opportunities for growth and sometimes they're pretty average as emotions go.

We've both done a bang up job of uncovering valuable info about ourselves and each other. And yes, that's what good friends do. I'm sighing with relief..

Again, you've done nothing wrong. You've accepted my questions with grace; you didn't leave and you didn't push me away. I didn't leave or push you away either. That's a great way for friends to be don't you think?

You're my heart of hearts too lovely 🙂

Love as always;

Sez xoxo

[Just Sara]

PS..I'm really sorry I scared you. I say when I'm upset because it's real and close to offline communication so you understand where I'm at. If you don't want me to disclose these types of responses, please let me know ok

Love you;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

Thank you so much for your post. It was comforting, loving and reassuring and helped to abate some of my worries and fears. Thank you gratefully again...

It’s a real credit to you that you’re more adept at finding your feet again after being triggered. I hope you’re feeling super proud of yourself 🙂

I really, really appreciated how you explained the exact nature of your trigger. I knew that you had been triggered but I am often left guessing, and I get confused and worried as I tend to think of the worst case scenario. So thank you...

Please don’t apologise for “scaring” me. There is nothing to be sorry for. I would rather know than not know your responses/how you’re feeling. If I ever say (write) anything that upsets, offends, hurts or triggers you, please let me know. As I said, I would rather know than not know.

I don’t want you to be silently hurting or bottling things up because you’re worried I’ll run away if you open up. I’m not going to ignore, reject or avoid you for trying to communicate with me. I may not always respond as well as I would like but I’ll try my best because I value your friendship, opinions and you as a person.

Thank you for working so hard to try to get to the bottom of things between us about that post. Thank you for not leaving or pushing me away. That means a lot.

I did admittedly worry I had upset you so much that you were just about ready to never want to speak to me again. I’m very relieved that’s not the case.

Yes, I feel this has been a steep and unexpected learning curve for both of us. I know that, for my part, I could have handled things much better.

But I like to think we have re-emerged as even closer friends and with, as you said, a heightened understanding of both each other and ourselves as individuals. Now, that’s a gift.

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

I wrote a post just now (I think?)...I’ll check later but for now, I just wanted to send some hugs and love...

Heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

I just wanted to say I’m really, really sorry...even though you might be sick of me saying that. Now that I’ve calmed down, I’m increasingly aware how harsh my words were..it’s important that I get this out...

I get it now (or I think that I do). As you said, you were simply expressing your fears and traumas and I completely misinterpreted it. You tried telling me multiple times but I was too caught up in my own feelings to listen. I’m really sorry.

You were simply using your voice and wanted to be heard, and I just chimed in thoughtlessly. This isn’t about me beating myself up over it but I just really want to say I’m sorry.

It’s important that I own up to the hurt I caused even if it wasn’t intentional. The more that I think about it, the more I realise how much my words must have hurt you...

I want you to know that your feelings are (were) valid as are you fears. You don’t “need” me to tell you that of course but I wanted to do it anyway.

Never lose your voice, okay? It’s important that you use and express it, and don’t ever let my words put you off it either 😉 I want you to feel heard.

Much love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Pepper;

What a well expressed and insightful post. I really hope you feel better for writing it. Thankyou for your encouraging words about my voice and being heard too. You've yet again increased faith in our journey as friends.

Confronting challenges such as this, if faced with intent to overcome, can be a life changing experience. You've helped me see friendship as something worth fighting for, when my resolve was to instil (what I'd assumed was) a healthy distance from friendship for fear of loss.

As has been shown, our friendship has strengthened; how nice it is to know that.

I'm a little ruffled today; been a bit teary for unknown reasons, but please know you're not the cause ok. It's part of my make-up and as usual I'll allow it to run its course. Women and tears go hand in hand; it's a hormonal truth that can't be denied or avoided.

I probably won't post much tonight for this reason. Thankyou again for your comfort and self insight. I'm honoured to be your friend, and really pleased we can come thru a process like this unscathed and learn from it as we have.

Your friend...heart of hearts;

Sez xoxo

[white knight]

Hi pepper and Sez

Just dropping by to show admiration for how you both connected with your misunderstandings and the written word (oh how it causes so many unexpected disruptions).

Well done to both of you. You are both emotional and caring ladies. So happy you are both here on this forum.

Tony WK