Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[startingnew]

i was actually just typing on here to ask how you were going and then your post popped up.

Thank you for your update. of course priorities change. you are only human and can only do so much and if that means prioritising certain things for your wellbeing then that is more than ok.

im sorry to hear about your little dog, poor thing, hope he recovers soon.

its been really great to see you grow too and learn from you (actually its been an honour) i am really glad your not leaving even if you wont be here as much or only posting to newcomers (which again is fine)

ooh really work!? that is a positive, if you do go back i hope you find something you like and helps you continue to grow and recover 🙂

Im proud of you for coming so far and keeping on keeping on (does that make sense lol). you are truley an inspiration.

Love and hugs (and sending some butterflies your way) xoxox

[Just Sara]

Hey lovely Pepper and SN; 🦋⚡️

I'm so glad you both get it. The thing is, I've had to distance myself from you guys emotionally as things began to get too overwhelming. I found myself hurting for you and that's not helpful when it comes to healing as you know.

It doesn't mean I don't care or love you because I totally do! I'll always have a place in my heart of hearts for you both; please know this ok. Online anonymous friendships have their limits; it took me a long time to understand this. Now that I do, it's bitter sweet as you say Pep's.

Thank you for your concern and well wishes for my doggy too; he's healing slowly but is really pushing my buttons with his neediness. He's underfoot all the time and I'm frightened of tripping over him and doing more damage. The poor little bugger doesn't understand and wants cuddles all the time. 🐶

Last night I pulled the stove out and cleaned under/behind it. This in itself is a huge sign of recovery. I mean, who does this without prompting from 'mother'? Ha ha.. I'm doing the fridge tonight. ✔️

Ha! Don't know why I told you this. It's not really my norm is it? But as life for me goes, it's one huge step for mankind! He hee..

I hope you're both coping ok. You've come so far since we all met. I'm like a proud parent who's watched on as her kids have grown and learned; really proud actually. I know you're in good hands here and in fact are great support to others, that's a grand gesture as things go. 💖🌺

So.. I'm off to town and then out to dinner. Fancy me going out like that on a whim; only said yes an hr ago.

Take care my sweets. Love you to the moon and back; to infinity and beyond!

Mwah!!!

Sez xoxo 🌈✌️

[startingnew]

Hello Sez


Your post is very uplifing, you sound different but in a good way for sure. You sound like your finally finding yourself too.
you really dont have to explain, you need to do whats right for you 🙂 youll always have a place in my heart too. When I started reading your post I thought you were leaving 😞 so I am glad youve clarifyed that your not actually leaving. Dont be a stranger here though ok.


Aww poor little thing, I wish animals could talk sometimes preferably outloud otherwise we might look abit strange having a full convo with a pet and no one else can hear it 😉


Lol go you cleaning all your appliances! Must feel good to be able to do that (and actually want to do that!) you feel ike coming to do mine too lol.


I hope you enjoy dinner, and your time in town too. Im feeling really proud of you too. Look how far youve come even in the time ive known you ( you know its been a yr and a half already!) anyways im off to varnish my finished fluid art paintings - my new thing thats keeping me sane and its quite fun too. You might like it as well- heaps of youtube clips on fluid art


Love you too and lots of hugs


BW xoxox

[demonblaster]

Hey Chooky 🤗

Wow tbh I really am happy for you and I do mean that sincerely but I also feel sad too but please believe I understand where you're coming from on all angles.

I met you in my early days and have always increasingly felt a closeness to you the more I hear your easy going open minded laid back style with a huge heart depth knowledge and wisdom with excellent communication skills and so supportive.

Thank you dear Peps, I wish you peace and happiness and kudos for becoming so much stronger.

I like Peps's idea if you're cool with it maybe on occasion if you say G'day here, oh what the hell ...I'll beg if I have too 😂 oops another rule broken, that'd be about 465th 😆so sue me 😉

Thank you for you girl, seriously there's something about you 👍 don't change hun

Take really good care of yourself ok. You matter...a lot 💗

🌹

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

I’m very happy for you and incredibly proud, really and truly. But as you said, it’s also bittersweet as I must admit there is another part of me that hurts. That being said, I understand you need to do what is right for you to continue healing, and that it doesn’t mean you love or care for us any less ❤️

I know you need need to grow and evolve, reconnect with your offline world and maybe return to the workforce. You need to move forward and continue moving forward...

I feel you have come so far 🙂 You so deserve to be in this wonderful place of recovery with more and more spontaneous nights out. You’re living life again and thriving, and for that, I am grateful. In the time that I have known you, you have given me so much by way of love, affection and friendship. For that, I will always be thankful and blessed.

I’m very pleased and relieved to hear your doggie is healing. He sounds like he is really needing his human mum at the moment. I know you’ll be taking very good care of him 🙂

I think finding the “recovery” sign was the universe telling you that you’re heading in the right direction...congratulations and well done. I hope you had a great night out and that there are many more to come....

Sending a hug...

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

What a beautiful day it is today! The sky's so blue and the afternoon sun's flooding my back deck. Just lovely..

Hi DB Chooky;

You made me smile hun, thankyou. (As always) Your uniqueness is addictive; any (so called) mistakes are subjective too btw. You can beg anytime you want. 😉

Just a thought; you never did ask me that question about brain chemicals. What's the prob Bob? Let me have it with both barrels; I'm all ears. ❓🎧 Lub, lub, lub.. xo

Hi SN aka BW;

You've posted such lovely comments about me moving on, yet I wonder have I disappointed or hurt you by pulling away in the past. We were very close for a long while. 🤔

I guess I'm giving you an opportunity to share your feelings. How about writing what you really feel inside, instead of praising me and wishing me well? I mean, supporting you as your surrogate Nan then stepping back was a big deal for us both, don't you think? 😭

If anything, it might be therapeutic for you to write about it. No guilt or concern for my feelings ok. I'm here to listen and learn about the real you. No judgement or critique.. I promise. Squeezing cuddles.. xoxo

Hi Pepper girl;

You mention hurt also. I'm sad about this, but that's expected yeah? It's no wonder we all struggle with closeness hey.

I was extremely emotional when Dottie left my screen, then you blessed my world with your presence. You gave me closeness and companionship with your sharp intellect and deep caring I thought I'd lost when she left.

I thought it'd be easier walking away, but it's not. Sigh..

The thing is, developing such a close, interesting and productive relationship thru being ourselves is pretty amazing. How can I leave that behind? Well, I can't. I figure you're a big part of my healing and sense of self. Friends need to feel needed and 'I need you'.

This thread is for me to be me, Sez; not Just Sara the CC. I can visit anytime I like and with whatever I feel is relevant to my life. I don't have to leave that behind..

Please don't feel hurt anymore ok and I won't either. Deal?

Massive Hugz Heart of Hearts, this life and the next...

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Afternoon Sez xox

This post has taken many many edits and.. pauses... and deep breaths..

For people with BPD, often the slightest thing will se me off. As i was reading you post it was bringing out 'abandonment' issues. For me its like ive finally gotten close to someone that i get so afraid they will leave mostly because of something i had done. i understand your step back though as ive had to do the same before but yes it does hurt but it hurts because i care and love you so much. i was worried that we werent going to hear from you anymore and that did pull a few heart strings.

yes i do agree, you stepping back as surrogate nan was hard and i cant imagine how you mustve been feeling either. but i also understand that too, i often see (or try my best to see) both sides of the story despite my own emotions. you are my mentor,and i believe you always will be whether you step away or not. i still feel really close to you i hope that is ok...i have learnt more from you and these forums then i have from anyone else including mh professionals. do you know what my reaction was when you said you needed (take note you said needed not wanted)? it was 'oh god what have i done to you' i was so worried i hurt you, said/done whatever i had no concerns over my feelings (except panic and guilt), i was worried about you esp since you were in an emotional state too. that is what is happening now- im trying to be honest with you but deep down its screaming at me 'dont say that youll loose her too'- and you havent even said anything yet!

you to me kinda feel like a security blanket. you dont have to be on my thread, you dont have to be posting here, you dont even have to be online that much but your presence around the forums and knowing (and hoping)others are benefiting from you posting feels like abit of security (theres very few members i feel that with) like everything might just be ok even if it doesnt feel like it. i have alot of respect for you and who you are.

i really just want the best for you, i want to see you happy and enjoying life. it provides me with hope to see that the darkness can become less and that is a gift in itself. it gives me abit of a heart glow when you talk about your joys in life, sharing your passions and actually hearing that tone in your voice that your going well/better. im really hoping that what ive shared is ok as i know this is a pretty tough subject for us both when i comes to closeness.

love you ❤️

BW xoxoxoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez (and all),

I’m very, very grateful. I was initially a little speechless and slightly confused as this was extremely unexpected. But I’m not complaining though...thank you...really and truly.

Today, birds kept flying in large circles overhead. Usually when this happens, I think of you and sense something is up; sorry, I don’t care how illogical that sounds...

I felt sad and hurt because I thought maybe you never wanted to speak to me again. I know that’s not what you said but that’s how I felt. To be honest, and I don’t say this to hurt you but I’m just expressing how I felt; I felt a little rejected as in you were happy to be my friend when you were struggling....

But then as soon as you started doing okay/recovered, I felt as though my presence was a complete burden. I suddenly felt like I had become this huge burden overnight. I was even thinking in my head to try to avoid any new threads where you post so that I wouldn’t hurt you with my presence. I’m not saying that’s what you think (or wanted or expressed) but that’s how I felt...

Your friendship, intellect and support is something that I truly cherish. I consciously chose (and choose) to be your friend because I value your presence in my life. It was and is a conscious decision.

Sigh, I can’t offer what an offline friend can offer; I know this. But I also don’t expect or need you to offer what an offline friend can offer me either (through sheer dumb luck, I’m someone who is fortunate enough to have offline friends). I value your friendship because you’re “you”; it just so happens we met and talk online.

I personally don’t use the forums to replace my offline world; I use it in a complementary fashion with my offline world. I have figured out how to personally have the 2 co-exist; this may not be for everyone but it works well for me 🙂

Yes, on this thread, you can just be you. Sez, the person. Your little space on the forums for you to be you. You can get all deep and meaningful if you like or talk about your successes or talk about daily life or whatever you feel like. Maybe the thread can evolve as you evolve but that’s entirely your call to make or not...

Either way, it’s your space...

Feeling blessed...

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next.

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

I love that we can talk like this. It outs those ever so hard words we find difficult to say to those we love; and I love you guys!

BW, I'm sorry writing your post challenged you, but isn't that what we need to practice if we're to become good at expressing our truth? We're not crying or yelling or 'aiming' our words; we're 'discussing' our fear and hurt. That's pretty bloody courageous and special in my book.

I get that your BPD causes lots of side effects like fears from slights that aren't intended to cause worry. I understand completely...thankyou for explaining.

Even so, your words touched my heart; they moved me and helped me remember the connection we have. I'm so glad your life has been brightened and enlightened by my presence, just as you've done for me.

(Mary Poppins is singing a lullaby to the little children in the background on the telly atm. It's precious and emotional and how I feel about you; sensitive, close, nurturing. Like watching over you as you sleep to keep you safe while you dream. My little cherub with tiny wings)

I'm glad you still feel me around you. Thankyou very much for opening up to me...🤗 I understand you so much better. xoxo

Pep's;

Sigh...how could I possibly leave you? I tried detaching emotionally, but when I read your words it all went to putty. I need to think about what I want to say to you. I want it to be 'just right'.

Talk soon; heart of hearts, in this life and the next.

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Morning Sez ( peps and all) xox

It was very challanging as you made me think about the emotions ive been trying to shove backdown. Its the ones that makes me question if the feelings are coming from my head or my heart-does that make sense? My online sis (pepper) often challanges those too

Opening up is scary. Im use to having my cards kept close. Coming here has taught me that i can say something and rather than being yelled at etc im guided through them. Offline still not that good but i do have my amazing support crew helping me through.

what a coincidence that mary poppins was on the tv at the same time and on that scene too.

" your words touched my heart; they moved me and helped me remember the connection we have. I'm so glad your life has been brightened and enlightened by my presence, just as you've done for me."

couldn't have put it better myself. ❤❤ ❤

Id like to know how your going too if your up for talking about it? And how your pooch is?

Love and hugs 💙💚💕💛💖💟💝❤♥