Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[quirkywords]

Hi Sez,

Just plodding on catching up on your thread.

Even though at times you are struggling you write in such a way that this thread has a very calming mood.

also learn things here that I can apply in my own life. I to am always assessing myself but I used to think that was something wrong but I know I see it as a positive.

Also the great support you have creates an atmosphere of reassurance.

Quirky

[Just Sara]

What lovely comments you've written Quirky; thankyou...

It's one aspect of the forum I love. Learning from others' experience and recovery works if you spend time reading. I don't do it as much as I used to; my offline life's beckoning these days.

I once managed around 70 posts a month, but it's not in me now. You might call this light actually, but mine are usually long compared to some. Like yours for instance; you say so much in only a few passages. Brilliant!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for the nice words. Keep up the great work...you go girl!

Hi to Pepper and SN too; I hope life's rolling out the red carpet for you both. 🙂

H x H's;

Sez xoxo

[geoff]

Hi Sez, driving the drunks home, goodness me, it reminds me after rugby training we all went to the pub, a stone's throw away from the ground, we all had a few beers and ate fish and chips just from opposite the pub every week.

I had to drive those who had overindulged and had no transport home, they were trips I'll always remember and to describe what happened isn't suitable for the site.

You make a good point, I think it's easy to assess our condition making a worse diagnosis when we aren't feeling well to when we are travelling along pretty well.

People may say 'well aren't you looking great today' when in fact all you feel is being lousy, so do we pretend or are we game enough to open up.

How many times does this change from one person to another.

Best Wishes.

Geoff.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

I’m very pleased that things are looking up for you 🙂

Living and breathing recovery is truly beautiful. You so deserve this wonderful shift...

Also, thank you for the well wishes ❤️

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

***Edit to my last post: it's meant to read..*70 posts a week* not month***

Hi Geoff!

Yes, our internal world can be turmoil, yet our face seems fine. It's the body language and lack of eye contact that lets you know if you look close enough. Or in our case, read between the lines. Is that what you're getting at?

Nice to see you in my neck of the woods. How goes it friend?

Sez xo

[Peppermintbach]

Hey Sez (and all),

I was just thinking that I’m pretty sure you exceeded 70 per month at some points but then read your edit. Lol. That’s a testimony to the amount of support you have given to others...a true blessing to us all.

That being said, I think it’s great that you’re reconnecting with your offline realm. I suppose forum participation ebbs and flows and you just need to do what works for you at any given point.

It’s wonderful that you’re re-engaging with life both online and offline. That’s the real gift. Sez’s “back.”

Love always, HxH’s

Pepper xoxo

[geoff]

Hi Sez, If you meet someone, it could be a friend, a family member or even an acquaintance and you ask them 'how are you', then their eyes turn away from you and make a half-hearted response, you know something wrong is happening to them.

Their lack of eye contact and the way their eyes look straight away from you is definitely a sign they could be struggling.

When they say that everything is fine, then you respond by saying 'I'm not sure you are feeling well', then they may open up to you.

The word 'fine' that's said to me means that the person isn't well at all, you can test this yourself and see how you go.

Would like to know what happens.

Geoff.

[demonblaster]

Dear chooky just read back and to hear you saying your comfortable being alone and healing your central nervous system and brain is such amazing progress you brave good thing you 🌹 very happy to hear. What power you're gaining. Good on you girl

Although I'm not here a lot know I care about you Sez and am here in spirit if not words

You're lovely to know and I agree with Quercus, there's a calming presence in this thread and I love your relaxed easy going way ☺

Care chooky 🌹 happy days to everyone

[Just Sara]

It's been a while since my last entry. I'm going thru a transition, one of many over the yrs on here, yet very different as transitions go.

Before I type on, I'm so grateful for the beautiful sentiments you've all offered. We can't recover without people; those who encourage, support and stick it out along side us while we grow and mature. Thankyou all so very, very much...

My offline life has become more important than it's been since my first post on this thread 23 Oct 2016; this online community has given me more connection, healing, hope and growth than I'd ever expected. It's a credit to all of you that my life is as it is.

'Life' beckons; my home, little dog, (who btw is in a massive amount of pain since his surgery yesterday) family, creativity and stirrings of getting back to work. (!!!!????)

Even posting today there's a lack of drive. I don't mean I'm leaving because there'll always be a place in my heart for this forum and you wonderful souls. I'm talking about recovery and moving onto new pastures with a new sense of self. I guess you could say I'm not as needy since my brain broke in 2014.

Isn't this what we strive to help others achieve? My answer to this is obviously 'yes', but being 'there' comes at a price. Moving forward means leaving people behind. I know this place well unfortunately.

I won't be posting as much. I suppose this is what I'm saying. Posting on the huge number of long term threads as well as coping with newcomers is taking its toll. Not in a bad way, just challenging me personally. It takes so much will, time and energy to keep up which until now has been a priority.

As with life though, priorities change like the seasons of maturity. I need movement; change. This is the normal 'me' since I remember, without it I stagnate and flail.

Words aren't coming so easily as they normally do, so I'll leave now with this thought;

'We keep moving forward, opening new doors and doing new things because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths' (Walt Disney)

Warm thoughts and Heart of hearts;

Sez xoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

What a beautiful, life affirming and powerful post...

Deep down, I had a feeling this day would come and there were many signs of it the last few months. I sensed it (knew it) before you even articulated it...hand on my heart, I knew it.

Reading this, I felt so many mixed emotions. Enormous pride and joy for you and some sadness too. As I said, mixed emotions... but I know you need this and (so) deserve this.

I’m eternally grateful that you still plan to be around (thank you...) but I understand it will be to a much lesser extent, and that’s okay. You need to live your life...explore your creativity, see your family, nurse your beloved doggie, etc. Be “you” again. Finally...

Even if every now and then, you write on your own thread to tell us how you’re going, that would make my heart soar...but that’s entirely optional and not the most important part. Above all else, the most important part is you’re going out and living your life. You’re embracing you and that is truly the greatest gift of all...

I hope your beautiful dog is doing okay. Poor little guy...I know you’ll be taking good care of him though.

You will always have a special place in my of heart of hearts, this life and the next...

Love always, heart of hearts ❤️

Pepper xoxox