Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hi Pepper and SN;

Firstly, thanks for the Medisafe app info! I missed 3 days due to my pharmacy not being open yesterday. I'm ok actually; I've decided to talk with my GP and reduce the AD amount by 1/2. I think my subconscious gave me a tap on the shoulder as I'm normally prompt with doses.

This week is the busiest I've been socially since my breakdown. I had a guest for dinner on Monday, went to a 2-up game yesterday, am invited for dinner tonight and tomorrow night I'm off to a show with my sis and friends. Who would'a thunk?! 🙂

I feel comfortable being alone and am up to date with housework/responsibilities. Pretty proud of myself actually; moreso relieved I'm my old self in terms of connectedness and feeling grounded. (Not dissociated)

Although I've faced some difficult times of late, I'm coming thru them with little effort. For people reading, coping strategies and management tools re triggers and their causes have been my saving grace. It truly does work if you work it!

My brain's now adapting nicely with new pathways of behaviour, rationale and responses; my new norm. 🙂 In essence, I'm healing my central nervous system and brain.

We often talk of recovery as a 'place', but I've come to understand it now as a road from A to B respectively; a beginning and a destination. At least that's what it's felt like the past few weeks.

I don't think I'm there yet, but I'm close. Feeling comfortable in my skin is a clear indicator as well as coping with social events, especially yesterday with a crowd of people yelling and walking around me in a tizz bidding on those historical coins.

It's nearly 4 yrs since my brain broke. The first 12 months was a living hell and taught me how vulnerable we are as a species in this day and age. It also taught me how strong my survival skills are. Even though I was clumsy and ignorant with recovery options, something 'higher' inside me drove my resolve.

The rest as they say is history.

I've enjoyed writing this, my story, my life; finally...I'm me.

Pepper; I'm so grateful for your posts on my multicultural thread. I'm getting to know you more each time you unveil tid-bits of your life and; it makes me happy. Putting a jigsaw of sorts together to create the big picture of Pepper, the woman.

Sigh...even though this sunshine's very unseasonable, it's symbolic of the light shining from my heart and soul. It's good to be alive...

Until next time Heart of Hearts;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

Congratulations! What a remarkably inspiring post.

You’re reaping the rewards of your commitment and hard work. It was no easy process either to get to where you are today...I feel this is a testimony to your own determination to overcome obstacles; your ongoing commitment to your own recovery. Well done 🙂

You sound really alert and self aware today. As you said, you’re feeling like “you” again. I feel a bit teary writing that...you’re an incredible person, you know.

I feel as though you are coming back to “life” again. Venturing out of your comfort zone and socialising but also being at home in your own skin and company; the best of both worlds.

I feel so proud of you. Really and truly. But that’s not really what counts. What matters most, I feel, is you feel proud of where you are today and “who” you are. You’ve found “you” again...

Maybe, as you said, you still have some more recovery in the works. But I have faith that you will have the self insight and commitment to work through it, and we will always be here too. Crying and laughing with you. Being your friend...

But today, let’s celebrate your wonderful progress and healing. Let’s celebrate the wonderful, intelligent, determined, sensitive, caring and loving person that is you. It’s my blessing to know you and be your friend.

Love always from my heart of hearts

Pepper xoxo

P.S. Funny story...speaking of hearts, I found 2 tiny stray plastic hearts on the ground. I’m guessing they fell off someone’s clothes. It made me think of us, heart of hearts indeed.

Also I’m very pleased to hear you’re enjoying my small contributions on your multicultural thread. Thank you ❤️

[startingnew]

its really great to hear how well your doing Sez 🙂 all that hard work is paying off xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello Sez,

I just read you post and it's really very inspirational to me and I'm certain to others that are reading.

How Good is it to hear of you current success, it warms my heart that you are finding some peace, you are one amazing lady with so much courage to keep pushing yourself, learning about who you are, that I'm in awe of you..

Im really pleased that you are going out a little and your feeling comfortable with yourself.

Thank you very much for sharing your huge victory, it has helped me to know that with hard work and determination that we can get on top of our struggles..

Kind and Caring thoughts,🌹.

Grandy....Karen.

[Just Sara]

Hi Karen, SN and dear Pepper;

I've been quite busy and still am actually, not many posts to speak of though. Thankyou all for the gracious words of comfort and caring. I'm acknowledged and validated by them which makes me even more happy. 🙂

My night out on Friday was a great success! One little hiccup, but I took it in my stride and ended up driving the drunks home; it was nice to feel needed.

The noise, bright flashing lights and crowds didn't affect me at all. (Smiling) No anxiety to speak of; isn't that great!?

I just wanted to pop in and say hello. Got lots to do and pat myself on the back for.

Sending you all massive hugz and kissed cheeks...

H x H's;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (and all),

You’re most welcome 🙂

I’m very happy to hear that Friday night went well. To be completely unaffected by the noise and crowd is an incredible achievement. Well done!

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sez,

You sound like you had a great time out on Friday, I'm very happy for you..Feeling needed does uplift our soul somewhat doesn't it? I think I miss being needed..

The noise bright flashing lights and crowd not effecting you is great news..Well done...

Sez, it's good that your busy, but please hun, please remember your self care, take time out for you..

Here is a little rose 🌹 to remind you that you have a beautiful soul that needs attention to keep you well..

Kind and warm 🤗 hugs.

Grandy..

[Just Sara]

Hi Karen; (and thankyou Pepper for your warmth)

I'm ok hun. Lovely rose too btw. Being busy is something I haven't been able to achieve for longer that I care to remember. I'm not overwhelmed and I think this is the gauge I use to determine when I need to rest and close my doors to outside influence.

I'm always assessing myself. Not critically, just keeping a steady eye on how far I can push and when to lay low. It's something I've come to appreciate in myself.

Thankyou for the lovely sentiments too. You've got a kind heart - don't ever lose this precious gift!

Warm thoughts;

Sez xo

[startingnew]

HI Sez,

its really great to hear your doing well. keep up the good stuff xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

You seem like you’re in a very peaceful state of mind plus highly self aware. Now, that’s truly beautiful 🙂

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo