Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hi SN and thanks for popping in;

I've been busy on the forum and off. It's been a bit draining tbh, so I've stayed away from this thread to attend to other commitments/priorities.

I hope life's treating you ok. I'm sorry I haven't been over to say hello for the same reasons as above. I will endeavour to get there asap though ok.

Hugs across cyber space! xoxo

Hi Pepper;

Oh what a tangled web we weave! I gather you get the meaning behind this phrase? A lot of my mental energy's been directed at another thread. It's drained the brain tbh.

I really don't like upsetting people, but I do tend to ramble at times which leaves me feeling quite remorseful and cranky with myself. You of course are the stoic mediator who strives for balance and calm. I admire your focus and strength. 🙂

I really must go. I'd love to chat, but life beckons. Hugs and hugs heart of hearts...

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

You sound like you have a lot going on...thank you for the update. It’s always a gift to read your words on this thread 🙂

I feel you’re a warm, sensitive person with well meaning intentions at heart. You expressed your views as did others, and my personal opinion is now the single most important thing is moving forward in a compassionate and sensitive fashion.

Hugs to you too from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Quercus]

Hi Sara 😊

Just doing my typical occasional drop in to remind you of something...

No matter what you write. No matter how we interpret your words. And regardless of if we miss the point entirely (we? I mean me I suppose). There are two things that are plainly obvious...

1. You have the best of intentions.

2. You have a very kind heart.

We all upset people sometimes. Upset and remorse is inevitable.

But points 1 and 2 above mean regardless of any upset everyone knows you don't mean harm and are doing the best you can to help. And that is what matters.

Leaving a little bunch of lemonbalm for a calming herbal tea. And a daisy potplant because they are lovely and happy.

Head up high and be as kind to yourself as you are to us please.

❤ Nat

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

I just wanted to pay a quick visit in case you reply and I don’t log in again today.

Gentle and easy does it...as Nat said, I also feel your heart is in the right place. You tried to communicate as best you could, given the circumstances...so how about keeping an eye towards moving forward rather than beating yourself up over it (which I really hope you’re not doing)? Just a thought...

Anyway, I hope you take good care of yourself today. I probably won’t be online much over the next 2 days as per my usual weekly self care for forum use. Wishing you love and light.

Heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Nat and Pepper; (Waves to SN)

I'm ok; things didn't get the better of me. It's a typical day at the office really and goes with the territory. Your words of support are kind as always and nice to read when I venture back this way.

It's 3:30 am after waking in an emotional state. Not overly mind you, just a little at odds. As we know, our bodies are telling when there's something under the surface. I would've stayed in bed except for a swirl of energy going down my abdomen prior to feeling emotional.

I'm well aware these are signs of internal stirrings ready to be dealt with, a trigger from an invisible cause. I'd hoped it was 6am, but alas the night's still with me. I haven't done this for a long while now.

None the less it has to be dealt with; I've learned this over time. I'd also hoped the Lifeline online chat service was available but it closes at 12am. So here I am; sighing and wondering how to approach this feeling, though it's waned since rising.

It's probably overkill tbh. I'm so sensitive to my body and emotions. In the past I've dealt with the most gut wrenching symptoms, finding this response in me brings an urge to 'fix' it just in case it spirals, which has been the case many times to date.

I'm appreciating the coffee. A little bitter, but my normal brand has run out. Listen to me. (Shaking my head and smiling) Things can't be that bad if all I have to talk about is late night coffee. 🙂

You know Pepper girl, you talk of wanting to just 'feel' something and here I am worrying over a tiny flutter. We both have a lack of emotion; you call yours numbness and I call mine peace. Both are understandable individually, but interesting all the same.

You know what? I think I'm alright. (As I scull the remainder of my coffee) Sigh.. it's over. 🙂 No residual stirrings, no fear of what if, no urge to pick at my scabs; I'm calm. How long have I worked to feel this way?

It's not a wonderful feeling, it's calm relief. A very different response to my previous life of panic and digging deep to find answers.

I'll leave things here. No point using 2500 characters for the sake of it.

Hugs and smiles, (heart of hearts)

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

I’m glad you have taken things so well and with much grace. I’m happy and relieved to here it 🙂

Funny coincidence that I too woke in middle of the the night, well, technically morning. Upon waking, I suddenly had an inexplicable urge to check online. Lo and behold, I found you had only just posted on your thread.

It was eye opening to hear you talk about your process. I hope this calm relief you speak of stays with you for some time. Well done for finding it and not resorting to previous coping mechanisms and/or responses like panic. I hope you’re feeling proud..

Perhaps this is indicative of your learning to experience a difficult feeling without trying to rid yourself of it (or fix it) and then let it go...or maybe “it” lets you go. As in sometimes I think difficult feelings will let us “go” if it is allowed to be felt without us trying to fight or fix it (or make it more/less than what it is)...sometimes just sitting or staying with our feelings can be healing itself, I suppose.

Yes, as you pointed out, you’re highly sensitised whereas I’m highly de-sensitised. I suppose they really aren’t that different but 2 different ways of coping. You are often on high alert whereas I often emotionally shut down to cope...not numb but the other word you chose, “disconnected”, is probably the best way to describe it.

Your coffee sounds good...I love coffee too. As a loose aside, I wonder if some of your tendency to over-analyse was partly driven by a need for intellectual stimulation.

Yes, I get that it was also driven by a desire to heal as well as a coping mechanism but I’m wondering if your intellectual needs are being met? As in maybe some of it has been misdirected at analysing

Speaking of “mediation” as you called it, fun fact: the director at my job explained to me it was my diplomacy and communication skills that was one of the key things to landing me my recent job...it also means I often get some of the more difficult clients. Lol.

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and a wave to all),

Apologies, I hit “post” before finishing...

Um, maybe please ignore the bit about intellectual stimulation? I was going to delete it but accidentally hit “post” instead. Whoops.

I was probably just projecting. I’ve been told by people offline that when my intellectual needs aren’t met, I start becoming really cranky to be around...basically, I’m extremely annoying to the people around me if I’m not stimulated.

Anyway, I hope you take good care of yourself today. You know we are always here for you if you want to talk. I’ll catch up with you after the weekend ❤️

Love always, heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Lol...

Aren't we a pair?!

It's been a while since we were online together eh. I've left a post on your thread too btw.

Not much to say as I'm off to bed soon. I did want to write about your intellectual stimulation comments though; not for me, but you.

Stimulating intellect can become an avoidance. I've learned this thru trial and error, as you say, in my recovery process. The build up of feel good chem's is tempting when you think about how down we can get from internal issues. (stirrings)

Using it to lure your mind away from dealing with unpleasant feelings might be gratifying, but still avoidance. You'd realise this thru desensitising therapy.

No, I'm not asking you to jump in the deep end. Just my observation...

I have to admit, I so enjoy our talks. Yes they're intellectually stimulating; yes they're interesting and yes they're deep and meaningful. Tick, tick, tick...no avoidance there, just good ole conflab. 🙂 (Not sure if that's a word. hmm)

Anyway, thankyou for your beautiful input as always. Love you to bits..

H x H's;

Sez xoxo

[quirkywords]

Sez,

I keep reading your posts but I dont post much here as there are so many wise and clever posts that I would just be repeating things.

I do enjoy watching your journey and as I have said many times before I really admire your strength and honesty.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[demonblaster]

Sezza chooky ☺ ohh my.. so who's had a promotion then.. from Sez to Sezza..and the crowd went wild...

Darl just wanted you to know you have many endearing qualities, I've just read a couple of your posts to people and as always I feel warmth coming from your words and heart.

You rock girl. With you totally what you said to Peps about touch, it's a very powerful sense ..gives a feeling of ..daghh...word block yeah but its the bomb

I haven't caught up for a bit but plan to

Take good care of yourself chooky ..you're serious magic 💗

Hey all 👋 ☺...as you were 😆