Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hi Karen;

Thankyou for those kind words of support. I do take it easy when I need to; I've learned this the hard way in the past.

I wanted to think about a confused feeling I had when I was responding to you last time. I tried putting it in words, but couldn't. Pepper's touched on this in her last post to me.

Although I'm really happy to help people when they ask, it's more appropriate if those requests are put on threads associated with their queries. (Such as the c-ptsd thread as I feel you have many characteristics that resonate there)

What Pepper reminded me of, (sorry to talk about you Pep's, but thankyou) is that sometimes we're drawn to 'people' instead of focusing on the issue at hand. Yes, we form friendships, but they need to complement our recovery, which this site promotes.

I revamped this thread quite a while ago now, to have a place just for me as my Champ duties were overwhelming and at times, took me away from my own recovery. I talk here as a form of refuge from other people's problems.

So although I do care, your recent post about the past could possibly be more suited to the c-ptsd thread or your own. I say this with utmost respect hun; I know you're hurting. One lesson members (on BB forum) need to put in place, are boundaries. It's difficult, but necessary for our growth. I so hope this doesn't upset you ok.

If you copy/paste your post about your issues onto the c-ptsd thread, I'd be happy to reply because many others will see it which in turn is supporting them to heal as well as you. I hope this makes sense.

Please let me know how you feel, I'm open to talk about it.

Kind thoughts;

Sez xo

[Just Sara]

Dearest Pepper;

Thankyou so much for bringing me back to my roots. I say often how powerful your words and sentiments are for me, but not deeply enough. I was struggling with the concept of personal space so to speak, and there you were, pen at the ready with a resolution in hand. Thankyou...

I'll visit your thread shortly and talk more about this very important aspect of the forum community and its purpose. I may even start a new thread so it's up for discussion.

Re my smoking situation, you're on the money. Behaviours surrounding it are surely based on emotional connections you mentioned. Last time I quit, I moved furniture, created better routines and addressed cravings by sewing my little heart out for 3 months. It worked and set the stage for 14 yrs abstinence.

What I was talking about, is anxiety popping up as a result of those stirrings. It didn't occur last time, so it's an added pressure to the current process. Dealing with this needs to be prepared for, as I don't want to create a backward turn in my recovery.

I'd prefer not to use med's, but it may require having them on hand if it escalates as with normal MH response plans. I guess this was the issue that prompted my confusion and subsequent back flip.

Anxiety causes confusion among other symptoms such as shaking, heart ache, fog brain and lethargy. I need to be on the ball to combat these bouts if they happen. Apart from this, I have plenty of activities to turn to for redirection, as with sewing which I so love.

My friend down south has asked me to compete in a creative arts competition she's running in her community. I've agreed and intend working on 3 windows I purchased to put on my back deck. It'll be a combination of glass painting, broken glass mosaic and techniques I've yet to learn. (thankyou YouTube!)

Once I have a work space, it'll be time consuming enough to lure my mind away from cravings. It's still in the planning stage, but that's part of the enjoyment yeah.

You also are a shining light in my day and a beautiful example of friendship in action. One can only hope to brighten your day with the same sort of magic. It's a pleasure being around you Pepper.

Love as always,

Heart of Hearts,

Sez xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I understand and respect your wishes 100%. After I posted it I thought the same, as I realised that it really did come under C-PTSD, thread and not your thread, I will copy and paste shortly.

We all need our own space, and this is your little corner of BB, and understand that boundaries need to be put in place and to to mix/ join the two topics/threads together could only trigger you and confuse you.

I'm much appreciated of you and your time..and if my posts do trigger or upset you please do let me know as I find some familiarity's in yours to mine and I definitely do not to to hurt you in any way.

Love

Karen

[Just Sara]

Thankyou for understanding Karen. I've responded to you on the c-ptsd thread.

Sez xo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

Thats ok,

I thought I would just call in and say hello, and to let you know I hope you are doing well, sometime..well most times our days can get busy which creates a chatty mind.

Why not, take time out for yourself today, take your shoes of and feel the cool grass under your feet, sit down and watch the clouds as they slowly float across the blueness of the sky, smell the flowers and the scent of the autumn air, listen to the birds singing, watch them flittering around and playing and maybe even sit outside with a cuppa , just a little time to enjoy this huge universe we are all a part of.

Care for you Sara,

Karen......Grandy.

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and a wave to all),

In typical fashion, you have written yet another highly self aware post 🙂

I’m glad my comments helped you find your own sense of balance and clarity even though technically, I was just addressing your comment about how I say relatively little about myself on your thread. Either way, I’m glad clarity came...good for you 🙂

The unexpected anxiety must have been unsettling. No wonder it “threw” you a bit as does the unexpected in life, I suppose...

I like your plan to keep your mind and hands busy with crafty projects. I think it will definitely help reduce cravings, not to mention how having a creative outlet is fantastic itself.

Entering your friend’s creative arts competition is a wondeful idea! I seem to have lost some of my creative spark lately. Just haven’t been “feeling it.” But I’m glad you’re feeling artsy and crafty. Yep, YouTube is the best for teaching yourself new handy skills 🙂

I feel your words are your own magic. Thank you to you too for your love and friendship. As always, I’m blessed by you.

Much love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

Hi Pepper;

I posted on your thread with some creative writing to lighten up your day. I think Grandy's post above beat me to the punch as creativity goes. (Hey Karen! Thanks for the guided meditation)

I've got dinner with family on tonight, so I'll opt out early today. Take care my lovely...

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Sez.. love to you too and lots of hugs. im generally around so if you need me youve only got to give a shout out. im always reading along to here xoxo

i hope your enjoying your night out with your family xo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

I hope your family dinner went well 🙂

Thank you for taking the time to visit and reach out to me with love and care. It really does mean a lot. Thank you again...

Yes, I agree that Grandy wrote a very supportive and kind post. Good on you, Grandy!

Love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

hey Sez just popping in to say hello xoxo