Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[startingnew]

Hi Sez

Just popping in to let you know im still here and sitting with you as always. ive read back through and its great to read your progress and thoughts. im proud of you for quitting smokes. baby steps.. big hugs xoxoxo

[PamelaR]

Hello Sez

No need for sorry!

I'm kind of pleased to hear I haven't said anything to make people feel bad or to gossip. That's not my style.While I struggle sometimes with communications, I always want to be open, kind and caring.

I think I recall the banter you refer to, but I think that came from a place of confusion, as opposed to 'gossip'. IMO it was people trying to understand, feeling a little confused about things they were reading and wanting to make sense of things for themselves.

Anyway, if I see other posts along this line, I'll offer options for resolution in the future. That is the way I like to work. Being new here I wasn't sure about best course, let it go and completely forgot it.

Yes, getting to know you will be good.

Yes, I will write something on your c-PTSD thread. Very tired atm. Had a big day and about 1 or 2 hours sleep last night - restless legs are the pits. So feeling battle weary.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Peppermintbach]

Morning beautiful Sez (and a wave to all),

As always, I feel your ability to reflect and your commitment to your personal growth is inspiring 🙂

I suppose, to a degree, almost everything comes down to perception. Perhaps your psych can offer his or her take on things that may or may not align with your GP’s views. It will definitely be an eye opening appointment, I’m sure.

But what I wanted to say most of all was congratulations on trying to give up smoking. Like Butterfly Wings, I also feel very proud of you ❤️

I’m a non-smoker so I must admit that I don’t completely understand the challenges of quitting. But I’ve heard smokers say that it’s almost like giving up a “best friend”/emotional crutch so, no doubt, this will be a period of adjustment for you.

If you need support or an ear, you have a lot of that here 🙂 Just call out...but of course, there’s no pressure or obligation. Only if you want to.

Much love...

Heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

Ive been thinking about this post as well as my added diagnosis. The way I'm looking at it, is, My dependency on other people was always forced upon me. What I mean is first parents ok we as children accept that we need to be dependent on them. Then hubby who made it his personal business to make me dependent on him. ie:- No money for myself, not allowed to have any friends, not allowed to go anywhere without him, no shopping without him etc... constantly been told how hopeless, useless, I am. Now on my own without anyone to I suppose I could say direct me, I can understand my inability to trust myself.

I had to get some work done to my former home, I paid this tradie up front. He half done it and never came back, My sons were quite upset with me and told me to ring fair trading and complain, me like you Sara, couldn't be bother to do that I didn't want conflict and in the end I thought well it's my fault because I shouldn't have paid him first..Lesson still not learnt, I done the same again because they say asked for payment up front, I just don't question it because I don't want conflict, yes again a shoddy, cheap job done, on a fence now I'm paying for it. I trust people's word to much, I think.

Being aware of my mistakes, I am, and won't do that again, why? I simply won't ask anyone to fix things, if I can't fix them, bad luck for me.

To forgive myself is a huge ask, I just cannot do that, I won't go into details here, but my biggest mistake, is me not standing up for myself with hubby for so many years which is still causing a lot of heart ache for me and my children. This is all my doing and I just cannot forgive myself for being so afraid and weak for not standing up to him..

To be my own best friend I must at least like myself a little, which I do not, I'm constantly reminded each day of my mistakes and just do not like who I am.. I have tried to accept me and my mistakes. even accepting me is too hard. But I do try to, at times I'm not so angry with myself, maybe that could be a start, but the anger and how I feel about me always seeps back in.

Thank you very much for your time, I appreciate it so much and a thought provoking post,

love,

Karen.

[Just Sara]

Hey beautiful SN;

Thankyou for those words of encouragement hun. It's lovely of you to pop in considering what you're going thru.

I've left a post, or should I say 2 very long ones on your thread. I really hope they help.

Lub, lub, lub..

Sez xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi again Pam;

I'm glad you're so understanding and self aware. Thankyou...

Getting to know people on here, most times than not, can ignite self awareness. Ergo my heading title.

We often see ourselves in others; it can be positive or negative, but interesting none the less if we're open to it.

I don't know how many times I've read someone's post, stopped and thought to myself; "wow! That's so like me"

When this happens, I usually log off and think about it for a while. This is how I've managed to grow in my recovery so quickly. Who I was 4 yrs ago is another person. I don't know her anymore, but know she 'existed' with insurmountable pain.

The essence of who I was. am and forever will be, is with me always though; my strength, empathy, caring, courage and self determination. I love, accept and admire who I've become, even my failures and faults. Others might not appreciate them, but without my short comings, I'm a shadow.

I've fought for this place I'm in as we all must do; giving up isn't an option. Those who bite the bullet and slide one foot precariously in front of the other, benefit in ways we could've never imagined. How proud we MUST be of ourselves!

You've shown great strength of character Pam. Thankyou again for talking with me.

Sez xo

[Just Sara]

Hi Pepper;

I can always count on you. How beautiful and warm are you? Muchly! lol I'd so love to have a real time talky with you one day you sweet gal. 🙂

My psych's a woman btw. She and I haven't talked for a yr. Oops! And yes, it'll be a ripper of a session for sure.

I lasted 36 hrs before buying a pkt of cig's. I'm not down on myself because it was an enlightening experience. When I first gave up 22 yrs ago, I felt different. It was all about that few minutes of craving. But now, those cravings trigger emotive responses. I'm sure it's due to chemical 'memories' of anxiety in my brain.

While I was going thru anxious moments late last night, I observed them from a distance and thought about what I could do. I wasn't prepared to address this type of response. So I decided to smoke again while I pondered this problem.

Obviously I could approach anxiety with the same tools I've used in the past, but an addiction's about behaviour as well as chemicals. I probably didn't put enough thought into it and will need to plan ahead more carefully.

So with that thought I might leave things here. I'm pretty worn out from thinking/writing. As ever, I'm always glad to see you here, though you rarely give anything away about how you're travelling. I've gone to your thread, but found it hard to get thru everything there. Not from lack of interest mind you; just not focused enough to cope with all the posts. I hope this makes sense.

Love you HxH's;

Sez xoxox

[Just Sara]

Dear Karen;

I really want to address your post, but am finding my reply's more important than once thought. I've deleted a whole page of writing! (Shaking my head..)

I'm really tired and need to give your post more thought ok. I just wanted you to know I care. You're doing great btw! Your post is a most powerful expression of 'you', and could be really valuable to others as well.

I want to respond taking this into consideration.

I'll try and come back later on this evening, but if I don't please don't worry.

Take care;

Sez xo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

Im really sorry, that you had to do that,

Sara, Please take time out for yourself, you need to look after yourself.

The amount of time and effort you put into your posts, are a huge credit to yourself. Please be gentle on yourself.

Im learning reading along with the other posts here.

Thank you for your very valuable insight, your willing to share to everyone.

Love Karen.

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

I love hearing from you. What a blessing ❤️

Having said that though, I think perhaps take your time with posts and replies. I know you put a lot of time and heart into them and sometimes that must be tiring. Gentle and easy does it...

I’m glad you’re treating your 36 hours as a trial and a lesson rather than a reason to berate yourself. Good on you. In any case, 36 hours is still 36 hours without smoking. Well done 🙂

I think people often say with any sort of addictive substance, it often takes multiple lapses before a person can quit long term. But the thing is each attempt brings you closer to quitting. You’re on your way. Small steps...I feel each step is a win.

As a loose aside, I wonder if part of your struggle is smoking is associated with so many other things e.g. smoking is associated with posting, smoking is associated coping, relaxation, etc.

So perhaps part of your struggle is, aside from the nicotine itself, it’s about how you are trying to not just break one habit but a familiar “chain” of events or associated activities. I suppose what I’m trying to say is you’re not just giving up smoking but you’re giving up smoking associated with posting, smoking associated with relaxing, etc. This may not be the case but the thought suddenly occurred to me....

Yes, I don’t always say much about how I’m faring...it’s just that i generally try to keep the focus on the thread creator (unless it’s more of a general discussion thread e.g. people weighing in on different treatment options in a very broad sense, a thread where we are asked for our opinions/personal experience, etc).

Regardless of whether it’s your thread or anyone else’s thread, I try not to deviate too much from the creator’s key points because I want to focus primarily on the poster’s comments or healing. So unless I really feel like it or feel there’s a direct relevance, I don’t tend to say too much about myself on other people’s threads.

I have been having a bit of a rough time. But in all fairness so are a lot of other people. I haven’t said much about it on my own thread (or anywhere else) because I suppose I withdraw sometimes.

Anyway, as always, your spirit, insight and resilience is admirable. You’re a truly beautiful person.

Love you too from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo