Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Wow!!

I hope your work involves analysis because your insight and ability to express it's really impressive Pepper-girl! Every word sings to me a song of resonance.

I'm grateful for your kind words; you know this of course. I was awaiting your reply with patience because I knew it'd be a worthy achievement, and you didn't disappoint.

Suppressed or repressed anger needs to be channelled into an activity to be released whether it's a punching bag, a scream session driving in my car or belting the life out of a pillow while screaming; a combination of the two. Over the yrs thru journaling I'd found a less physical outlet; writing.

I also practice face to face conflict res. which I've become pretty good at. If I'm over my head, I walk away just as I did with mum. When there's no-one to interrupt or help me gauge the situation though, I'm free to channel my thoughts. There lies the danger zone because there's no interruptions and I'm writing emotionally. Any hint of adrenaline, which is what occurred, will trigger auto responses.

There are many techniques I've developed to address triggers; I've only just identified this auto response because it doesn't happen often enough to assess. Ergo my current situation.

I'd like to invite you onto my new thread; 'Complex PTSD - what is it and how do we deal with it?' in the PTSD and Trauma section. This is where the offending posts were written, and follow-up which is turning into quite a discussion; at least for me. I haven't been there this morning.

Grandy's contributed with her beautiful soul as always, SN's provided questions and Deebee's shown her interest which unfortunately I haven't been able to respond to (Sorry sweeties) as my mind's been busy focusing on this issue.

I hope it's ok; I'd like to cut/paste your post to there as it's extremely important info for readers and we can continue there. I'll omit personal stuff. Just let me know..

I'm tired today. I was bitten by a spider last night on my big toe which is swollen and sore. No other symptoms, but throbbing kept me awake for a while.

I'll go to the c-ptsd thread and see how things are travelling. Thankyou again for your undying support and beautiful brain.

Heart of hearts;

Love Sez xoxo

PS.. Massive thankyou hugs to Grandy, SN and Deebee! Love you guys!

[startingnew]

Love you too Sez 💕🌈 💋🤗

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

I hope the pain from your spider bite is easing. That’s a horrible way to wake up....

What an insightful post 🙂 You’re obviously very self aware and, for the most part, you clearly recognise the signs of anger and can effectively manage anger well. You’re welcome to copy and paste anything I’ve written here on to your new thread 🙂

I suppose if you’re dissociating, it’s a lot harder to manage because you lose that sense of consciousness over your actions/decisions.

I wonder if you can identity recurring signs/symptoms/thought patterns in the immediate lead up (like “warning signs” so to speak) to the dissociative anger that you mentioned on 3 separate occasions: the incident involving the girl, the work incident and the recent one.

Perhaps there is a common thread there?

If maybe you can identify common “warning signs”, you can then use a preventative strategy because by the time you dissociate, it’s a little “too late” (so to speak). If you identified that your thought patterns tend to head in a certain direction (for example) in the immediate lead up, maybe you could then use self imposed (but humane) constraints to stop yourself from lashing out.

E.g. in the case of forums, maybe you could make sure you don’t post for 24 hours by disconnecting your internet (temporarily) if you recognise the “lead-up signs” of dissociative anger coming on. I know that might sound extreme and silly but it might mean you end up riding out the dissociative anger (rather than directing it at anyone else).

Mind you, this is all just guesswork and me sharing my ideas (that may or may not be relevant or helpful). It’s of course also possible that the 3 incidents didn’t have any recognisable “warning signs” either.

I know you and your psych have plenty to discuss at your next appointment. Hopefully he or she can shed some light...

Thank you very much for the invite to your new thread 🙂 I was aware of its existence but hadn’t really taken a look. I’ll definitely check it out some time this week.

Sending warmth and love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I want to thank you for your kind words to me. I only spoke the truth about who you are....I really appreciate your kind words, your kindness and you.. thank you.

Yours and Pepper's insight is so incredibly awesome.Its the only way I can explain it.

Im really sorry I haven't answered your post to me on your other thread, I get upset with me sometimes because even though I can understand what your saying I don't know how to respond properly, I'm sorry about that it's just I'm afraid my answers will not be up to other people's standards, I'm not really good at answering with much intelligence but I will get back to your other thread later today..I have been trying to come to terms with yet another new label they slapped on me on Tuesdays Pysch visit..dependant personality disorder, although my psychologist wants my psychiatrist to confirm her findings mid April when I see my psychiatrist again..

I really needed to let you know I'm reading and will answer, out of my want and respect for your time and acknowledgement to me, plus it's a very important learning thread, which I want to follow and learn about, maybe for helping me if I can utilise it properly..Please Sara I'm really asking if you could have a little patience with me.. I've probably made fool out of myself here to you, but I didn't want you to think I'm not interested in what your talking in the topic because I am a great deal.

Love

Karen.

[Just Sara]

Hey Pepper;

Thanks for your 'practical' tips and thoughts. They're well thought out, especially using my 3 scenario's for comparison.

I'm looking for a common denominator between them. The only thing I've come up with is letting things go on without 'hitting back', then snapping after one action from them made me tip over the edge.

It's not really a matter of the build up, because there isn't one. The rise to anger's normally like a bell curve, but this particular anger/rage comes without warning. It's a straight line to the top where I get 'lost' in the moment.

There are common themes, but I can't really discuss it here. Just know there's a history with each one.

Hmm...this screams of fight/flight. If I felt threatened, or saw others as threatened, it might trigger this auto response. I really need to talk with my psych.

We don't talk on BB about 'fighting' as opposed to running or freezing. I might do some research. Freeze and flight happen without 'thought', so it's plausible that 'fight' could be just as automatic.

The feeling of being lost in the moment might not be dissociation; it could be heightened awareness to defend/protect in the moment. Because my survival/protective instincts are so developed, this could account for 'snapping'.

I just love writing! What great therapy! Having your feedback is absolutely crucial at times Pepper. So much to think about...

What you've just witnessed is a response to your 'counselling'. If you're not working in this field, you should be girrrrl!

I might head off now to Monash or US/UK Uni's for info. Very thought provoking stuff!

Talk soon;

Heart of hearts;

Sez xoxo

[PamelaR]

Hi Just Sara

Popping into say hi and get your thread on my threads.

I have this feeling that I may have said something, somewhere that could have been taken the wrong way. (I'm going on what something DB said). Would be good to know if I have. I've been looking and looking, but can't find anything.

I'd like to get to know you better. You post very powerful and thought provoking things that generates loads of discussion. This is so good!!

Your post about c-PTSD and PTSD and difference between the two was a light bulb moment for me. Awesome stuff. It helps me to sort my brain out a little. Thank you.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Just Sara]

Hi Karen;

Thankyou for your vulnerable post. You think you're not responding properly, but you actually are! Just because you can't comprehend the level of info, it doesn't mean you're the problem ok. You've expressed yourself perfectly.

I sometimes forget how fragile people can be in early stages of recovery. I mean, you're still being diagnosed for goodness sake. So please don't feel you're not keeping up. It's me who needs to consider my audience better.

Apart from that, your new semi formal diagnosis sounds on par with your history and current situations. Feeling as dependent on others as you do, is like me being 'independent' to my own detriment.

You probably don't get this, but being dependent on others is quite threatening for me. People in my life I've counted on have failed me time and again. I learned very young to go it alone to avoid such disappointment. Even so, I kept wanting that nurturing and protection; there lies my dilemma.

In my case, trusting others is an issue. In your case, trusting yourself is the issue. Mistakes are a fact of life, so we need to learn from them and forgive ourselves. The trick's understanding what's a mistake, and what's not.

I have a situation where I should've acted long ago to push for a legal matter to be formally heard. It's now 3 yrs down the track and I'm still avoiding the issue. It may be too late to do anything, which is so in line with how I cause harm to myself. I have the skill, but don't have the courage to face yet another few yrs of formal conflict.

Am I doing the right thing? It doesn't matter Karen. What counts is that I'm aware of it. One day my 'will' may override my lack of courage. I'll do it and wonder why I didn't all those yrs ago.

I forgive myself because it's understandable considering what I've gone thru. That's what you could try hun. How you are now is totally acceptable due to your history of abuse. Each step you make towards some semblance of independence will be a great achievement! It just takes time..

Please think about what I've said ok. You're your own best friend, if you could only recognise it. 🙂

Take care lovely;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

What a powerful post! Thank you for the lovely things you said. I was only sharing my thoughts so I’m very glad to hear they gave you something to think about...I love reading your words (as do many others) so it’s wonderful that you find writing to be a healthy emotional release 🙂

Good on you and your soul searching plus research 🙂 I hope you found something helpful in your search, and if not, at least thought provoking.

I feel it’s a testimony to your own self insight that while you couldn’t identify any warning signs of impending anger (dissociative or otherwise), you recognised common themes. Don’t worry, I’m not going to pry. You never have to share more than what you feel comfortable sharing here. But perhaps you might like to mention those themes to your psych...just a thought.

As for fight in fight, flight or freeze...I think that’s really interesting. Maybe you’re onto something there (I wouldn’t know as I’m merely sharing my thoughts) but I wonder why those incidents triggered such a strong angry response.

Surely, there were other occasions that tested you but you were able to manage your emotions. So I can’t help but wonder what was it about those 3 separate occasions.

Maybe it’s back the to the common themes you mentioned (don’t worry, I’m not asking for details) and the whole pressure cooking/boiling point of “accumulated” anger over time...

Much love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

I'm sorry Pam;

You must've posted while I was writing. Welcome! Looking forward to getting to know you. 🙂

I don't recall reading anything from you that could be interpreted as offensive  but this space of ours needs to feel safe for everyone including Community Champions.

You've done the right thing by coming directly to me; I appreciate it. Actually, a lot! It's respectful and gives me faith in you.

We need to trust each other on here. If it gets too much like our offline life, people won't feel welcome anymore.

And thankyou for your comments about my posts too. I'm so glad you 'get' the differences between diagnosis' and it's helped. It'd be nice if you could post it on the c-ptsd thread actually. It'll add to a sparse response history.

Thankyou again for calling in;

Sez xo

[Just Sara]

Hi Pepper; (Waves to everyone!)

You're welcome hun. Hey, I call it as I see it; you're a natural! 🙂

Yeah, I understand common themes. They're there, it's just not right to discuss some of it here. Don't worry, I see them Pep's. Older siblings from toxic childhoods have higher developed protective instincts. This is me; with my sis's, my work and my values.

The situation in high school's the easiest to look at. I went to talk with her about my sis, she show-boated by pointing fingers etc, a crowd gathered, she hit me, I saw red and hit back.

That time was definitely dissociative, but not mentally unexpected my GP tells me. Again, repressed anger; a trigger from being/feeling attacked, lashing out in response and regret/embarrassment afterwards.

My GP seems to think I worry too much. It's a normal response to danger.

I haven't researched yet as I'm lacking in energy and very lethargic. Had my last cigarette yesterday. Small sigh Yay...

It'll probably affect my posts as it's my norm to sit with a coffee/smoke and type. Meh...brain fog, squinty eyes, deep sighs, non emotional blah...

Isn't de-smokifying my body a treat?! Reminiscent of recovery glitches now and then. Awe...

Better go; I'm probably not going to make any sense for a while. Sending hugs your way though.

H x H's;

Sez xoxo