Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

Well I hope I haven't broken the spell, I'm gambling you care enough back to see I'm not being nosy, or some sort of nagging elder, just an equal who don't want you to go through life without joy. To wake up each day looking forward with happiness. Maybe the psrink is not the answer - I don't kow. Basically I'm just asking you for you.

By all means post in the original thread, though Sara won't mind where you post, this is your thread too. You may not want to post, the answer is really for you.

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I am worried about breaking the spell, and will be frightened to go look at your post if you make one - silly isn't it?

C

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix (shoutout to Sara),

It's okay, I don't think you're nagging or anything like that. I know you mean well and are concerned. Basically, I know you want the best for me. I have replied in the other thread.

Thank you for constantly checking up on me and trying to reach out to me. I may not always express it very well but it does mean a lot to me, and I also care very much about you. Know that.

You're amaze 🌟

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Croix]

My Dear Dottie~

Once again I'm having trouble seeing what I'm typing - though it's with relief and happiness, not sadness.

As you saw I was frightened I'd pushed too far (and yes I do blame myself - Sara says its a legacy of the PTSD, I say it's me, at least nowadays, so I'm stuck with it).

Thank you for putting up with my clumsiness.

To quickly change the subject - did you manage to get any of the musical appointments you mentioned (you know SOH & MMC)? Plus classes start next week?

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix (shoutout and hugs to Sara),

Don't worry- no harm done. It's all good. I wouldn't call it clumsiness but concern. Thank you.

Ha, ha even though I've told you that I'm not playing at those venues, I'll let you continue to flatter me.

Nah, not next week- it's the following one.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Don't worry, you don't need to respond. I understand you're taking some time out for yourself and have been in a dark place recently (possibly still kind of there).

I just wanted to quickly drop off some bear hugs as I noticed you changed your avatar to a very sad looking Lisa Simpson. I imagine maybe you've been crying the same tears as Lisa.

Again, I'm not expecting you to respond. Honestly, just save your energy for yourself to rest and recuperate- you're your top priority. I just wanted to say hi.

More clumsy bear hugs coming your way 🐻🐻🐻

Love ya,

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

No need to say anything. Those that care will do so not matter what.

I've been busy nagging Dottie, who kindly forgave me.

Croix

[Just Sara]

Dearest Dottie and Caring Croix;

I'm glad to see you're both using our thread to check up on each other, and so appreciate the shout-out's and kind words. They've made my day...

On 11th Feb I was admitted to our local psych hospital and was discharged yesterday. Although things were scary in the beginning, leaving my life behind and being forced to focus on me was just what the dr ordered.

Medication changes, no responsibility and amazing nurses, psychologist and psychiatrists gave me valuable comfort, rest and advice that will stay with me as long as I live. I'm doing really well; calm and at peace with no fear of future or past. I'm in the now loving my little dog who also suffered thru my absence.

Dottie; it's disheartening to hear of your dark times. It seems transition has also struck your neck of the woods yes? You know I care and will be here with support as it's always been. I'd like to give back the advice you gave me; take care of you...be kind...gentle...couragous...patient. The road isn't always paved with gold, but it isn't a lonely one. I'm here with flowers, soft burning candles and a warm smile heading your way to soften the burden. You're a lovely woman and deserve the best life has to offer. Mwah!!

Croix; Your honesty and eagerness to learn and heal is admirable. I've watched as you've also transitioned thru posting and sharing your life with us. It takes so much courage to self assess while helping others; finding the right words and forgiving yourself as you've done. (Though you do tend to be too hard on yourself) Joining the ranks of CC's was a great step towards yourself...and of course to the people who look to you for guidance. Thankyou for being here and in my life.

I have a psych appt in 15 min's so I'll leave things here. Take care my friends...

Sara

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I'm glad to hear from you again, and moreover, I'm glad to hear you're in a much better headspace than before. I've missed you. I have to admit that I was rather worried but I'm glad you were in good hands at the hospital. They helped keep you safe, gave you support and sorely needed respite.

I bet your dog is happy you're back and will be affectionately giving you hugs and kisses. Animals can be such incredible friends.

All the best with your appointment today and I hope your calm state continues.

More hugs.

Love ya loads,

Dottie xxxxxxxx

[Starwolf]

Hi Sara,

I replied to you in Wishful's thread but want to welcome you back in your own.

Lately, my presence around the forums has been erratic. Life usually delivers challenges in bulk so I've been trying to practice the art of multilocation...without success. But I know you have been struggling. So it is a relief to see you're back and in good form.

Good to know you have been in excellent company around this thread and in good hands in hospital.

I hope your apt will help you hold on to peace during this transition.

Thinking of you.