Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Hi Sara, Dottie, Corny~

I think I just saw a tumbleweed roll down the deserted street, things as sure quiet here:)

Sara~ Firstly your new thread seems to have gathered a fair degree of attention, hopefully improvements will be born there.

Secondly the reason I wanted you to look at Croix Parler has now been resolved

And thirdly I'm delighted at the reasons that keep you away from chatting. Off-Forum time in those circumstances - wow how good! I wish you more and more of it.

Dottie and Corny~

I have the feeling that both of you did not have the very best of Christmas/NYE'ses - for different reasons.

I thought I might share my last Christmas with my mother with you. No real reason except I suppose dealing with parents is something most of us have to do.

Jingle Hells

I've no doubt mentioned that many years ago my parents decided to disown me, which although an emotional jolt at the time, was the best thing they could have done. Being subservient to, and half believing them normal and authoritative, was not good and they unintentionally provided relief, so I guess I owe them -weeeel, no, maybe not.

I did go to a loving woman who became my wife, as you know.

Thinking back on my parents, mother dominating, judgmental, poisonous, egocentric in the extreme, quite capable of spewing belittling remarks in peoples' faces. Father using the Church as a crutch to bolster his self-esteem, acquiescent to his wife.

-I've just realized, when write to others about their Mothers I capitalize the word, but not here - go figure.

Anyway many years later I attempted a reconciliation - lasted for a while then the same thing happened all over again, exactly the same - except she had a new husband.

Much more recently she contacted me (now the possessor of husband No3). I'd had a long time away from her and while I did not like her I felt sorry for her and started to see her (this is around Christmas, she died of cancer in March.)

I had expected a change - boy was I wrong! Still toxic, judgmental, still convinced the universe was hers - "Let's do the Time warp Again" fits the bill (there - a musical reference for you Dottie🙂

I found the literally only safe subject was the weather- anything else led to an opening for her to seize on and poison. My wife tried for my sake, all she achieved was to set herself up as a target.

I'm not resentful, I'm not sad. She's gone, I am very sorry to say I'm glad.

My great affection to you all

Croix (n'orphan:)

[blondguy]

Hi Croix

I hope you are doing reasonably okay. (Hey Sara...my beak has found its way in here again...sorry)

I hear you on the parental pain...big time...Its sad that she passed of course. My dad just passed 7 weeks ago and sure he had some real issues.....huge ones....but it still hurts...he was 82...

Hugs & understanding Croix

Paul

[Croix]

Dear Paul~

I'm good.

I appreciate your words. I'm sorry your dad passed away, and more sorry that there were issues. A love of a child, no matter how old, for a parent, and that love returned, is a marvelous thing.

Actually the pain for me was a very long time ago when I was first disinherited, because up to that time I thought I was loved, despite disagreements and a rather 'fraught' relationship. Being disinherited is a rather final statement in the scheme of things.

Today I was trying to write about trust, hope and growth and my partial understanding from whom trust is shattered. I don't pretend my experience could hold a candle to betrayals of body and mind by one loved and trusted.

My parents shattered my trust at 20-21 (whatever it was), and there was no possibility of it ever growing back - no matter what. Even if they had come to me and said they were completely wrong and wanted to make amends it would have made no difference - it was dead & buried.

I tried to re-engage, but that was because of another family member that loved both sides, and I'd hoped for a sort of armed truce. Happened for a while (at the expense of my wife volunteering to suffer sneers) and then, once again because they saw may actions as not being to their liking, I was out again. That time no angst, just disappointment on behalf of my relative. No trust broken because non existed. I'd hoped for the sake of another.

The third time she approached me. I saw her as small, frozen in her mindset, and a pitiable object. That did not last either. I guess when she'd contacted me she had hope, perhaps of a time when I was young - I don't know - but she managed to kill even a civil relationship.

Why - because she was incapable of change, of growth, of kindness. Some people are like that.

I suppose for me trust is like a box of wine-glasses, each in its square cardboard compartment. Each trust broken is a wineglass. Break too many and maybe the whole box is gone. That's some-people, me - I hope I have a few unbroken glasses left to use.

Thank you Paul

Croix (who welcomes the odd beak))

[blondguy]

Thanks Croix

reading your post(s) feels like I am reading about my own history when I was a child in the '60s...

If I may quote Croix: "because she was incapable of change, of growth, of kindness. Some people are like that"

Some people may badge what you said above as 'unfair' and 'people are always capable of change' I agree with you Croix that some people arent even willing to 'self improve' let alone change.

It is to their detriment as life is merely a moment in time...Being stubborn or mule headed is fine to a point......but when a person decides arrogance is the better decision in life, they have no future..only misery to look forward to

Thanks big time too with the new posters tonight Croix....It very quiet on here but great to have some help 🙂

my kindest

Paul

[Croix]

Dear Paul

We seem to have experiences in common then, I'm pleased. I often feel my early life, which was conducted in the most formal of manners, might have the same underlying events as those here of more recent vintage, but would seem alien to them. Humanity & its actions remain constant, the packaging differs.

Might I inquire as to your early experience, or is that best left? I can well understand either way as up till now, in this place, mine tended to be 'off limits' except to my wife, and even she got the Readers' Digest Condensed version.

On Change: I think in fact that that most people do change, either they want to for whatever reason (including love or hate) or if circumstances forces it. In either case there is a two-fold effect. The change they undergo is one, and the second is probably an increased measure of understanding for others, in whom they can see themselves before, changing or after.

However If you are insulated from circumstances by custom, much money and from love or concern for others by arrogant ego then I found, at least in this case, change did not happen. Even radical illness in the self was not accepted as it ran contrary to life experience - of always being the one in charge, where those that did not comply were regarded as being at fault and dismissed.

I've often mused on the difference between robot and human - have you seen Blade Runner?

I quite agree about stubbornness - and would add occasional anger. I've found for me both have had appropriate occasions, and their exercise beneficial.

As for the new posters, one of my reasons for doing so is to try to put myself in others' shoes. Hopefully I do no harm, maybe do a little good, and do not prevent others, when they are pressed for time from ignoring the thread because it already has 2 posts in it.

Actually there are some where I've written a greeting, however I've discarded it due to my snail-paced writing, another has answered first.

Anyway my best wishes

Croix (who is amassing an impressive collection of typos)

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

For some reason I thought I ought to inquire, is everything ok?

If you needed a drop of musical humor try the works of PDQ Bach, perhaps Eine Kleine Nichtmusik would be a good place to start

Crox (who fusses over nothing)

[Just Sara]

Hey Paul;

Your massive eagle beak is welcome when on topic...abso-bloody-lutely! Sharing parts of yourself as you've done reflects what this thread is aimed at; getting to know you. As for 'Or is that Me?, you and Croix have hit the proverbial nail on its head.

Growing up in an environment fraught with 'My way or the highway', forces out individualism and self-realization. That is, not existing as independent of parental opinion. That has to be learned away from the control of their voices.

Due to pressures of 'life', those voices can return in our minds to burden our new sense of self. Unless we take a stand, the resentment we feel can implode causing even more damage.

I've told the story of saying "No!" to my mother for the first time. I was around 35; over 20 yrs ago. That paved the way for further 'sit-ins' challenging her all powerful 'rule'. I'm now separate and she has no hold over me.

'Getting to know you, or is that me?', is about knowing the parts of ourselves that were created to survive our parents and authorities we feared confronting. (For whatever reason) Then identifying, accepting and promoting our indpendence and individual characteristics as our birthrite.

When those who abuse/d us die, and we haven't confronted them, finding true mindful independence is more difficult. It's not that it can't be done, its just harder...no-one to confront and purge with.

So kudos to both of you! Even though your stories differ, they reflect adult son's finding and asserting their place in the world.

Well done!

Sara xoxox

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Paul, my words probably seem trite but I am very sorry for the loss of your dad. As has been said by another poster, regardless of the kind of person he was- he was still your father.

Grieve in your own time and in your own way. As I always say...cry/don't cry, reminisce/don't reminisce, etcetera, etcetera. Your grief, your way.

And if you need to share anything here, go ahead- as much or as little as you like.

Croix, your mum sounds like she was very difficult to be around, and dare I say, very toxic and hurtful. You expressed relief at her passing and that's perfectly okay. Maybe you could finally breathe again when she was gone.

I don't think you need to be sorry that you felt glad. Just as some people have reasons for feeling sad when a parent passes, other people also have reasons for feeling relief when a parent passes. Both are equally valid as each parent-child relationship is unique.

Sara, good on you for extricating yourself from your mum. Cut the umbilical cord.

You're finding your way. Independence and making decisions on your own terms is beautiful. You're growing into the person that you want to be- and perhaps were always meant to be but circumstances and other people got in the way. It's your time, Sara. You're free to be you....at last!

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

You're a very sensitive, caring and thoughtful person. I really appreciate how you put in a lot of effort to get to know various BB members- including me- and checking up on us.

Tbh everything is not okay but survival is one of my fortes.

I hope you have had a calm weekend- thanks again.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

My Dear Dottie~

I would love to see you more than survive. Honestly it's no 'lot of effort' at all, I care abut you and enjoy talking with you because of who you are.

I have to ask - is the other forte the piano?

I well know you are a reticent person, so I won't belabor the obvious - thought each of us has an ear to put entirely at your disposal (there I just belabored it)

If you would like to be distracted pop over to Croix Parler and start the ball rolling with a Dottie view about anything at all - I promise to argue (even if I secretly agree).

Croix