Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[1113]

Happy new years all.

Croix,

Being positive how ever you find it is only a good thing. Thankyou. Faith is powerful, i find it easier to believe in something larger than me. Something I can give my problems to, trust and be happy with. God is powerful. Belief is powerful. Everyone is entitled to believe what or how, to be happy in life. I enjoy music, love to sing.

Number mechanics is just a hobby, Belief and some times I get carried away. Lol. I'll tone it down.

My boy likes reading, he plays the piano, maths, science, lego and anything that he finds interesting. His brain is a sponge. If he is not absorbing something he's a real pain. Bless him.

I have major issues finding myself in the confusion of depression, simple pleasures of life elude me. I try extremely hard. My interest atm is getting back to health. This forum is helping me find me! I have such a major hit of depression that i forget a lot. Painful. Must stay positive.

I have many things that interest me (restoration, cooking, I am a Artist with my hands and many many more) I cant even express them atm.. But I am getting there. I posted on my thread "my story-just keep moving" about my first near death experience. Take a read if you like. All pass given. Its still haunting me today.

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Being with strong emotions is extremely hard, take it easy on yourself. Crying is really good to release pent up anxiety and stress. But its a double edged sword. Best to do it with someone who guides you back to reality. Family drs etc.

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Dottie,

Kindness is all I have let. Your welcome. Im still slightly cynical.

believing that people are motivated purely by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.

I am trying so hard to change this about me.

My eyes see this much more then they should.

Its very hard to change core beliefs based on life experiences. Its like rewinding an old music tape that you really love, but its a bit tangled and you will never find another one every again. Very gently and time consuming. Frustrating, but worth the effort.

Corny and JAS,

Happy new year!

Peace

Matt.

[Croix]

Dear Matt~
I have read your post at the start of My story-just keep moving plus a bit more

I guess 'long term' makes the forces that press down and blacken the mind become old companions. I may have mentioned I have been injured for over 30 years, and thus perhaps these ogres come to be feared just a little less

When I am panicking I can say to myself it will pass, this (breathing, distraction re-labeling etc.) is what to try to do to lessen its impact and hasten its departure. When I am consumed with past pictures the same applies again. Over time thankfully both have become much less frequent or severe

I’m more fortunate than you, I get many increasing periods of tranquillity and content, the same painful negative mindset does not loom for months at a time with me. Your coping mechanisms must be different. I hope they give you some measure of peace and hope

Please do not be cynical. I agree that there are any people, and even more businesses and corporations that only act from selfish heartless motives. We really are blessed in this world that there are some who are kind, caring, real - plus even the selfish can sometimes act out of character

I’ve found a few – married two 🙂 Some people don’t even realize how good they are and due to innocence or inexperience attribute baser motives that are not deserved to their actions. It is too easy to think one's actions are more self-seeking than they are in our society. It can be a mistake (anyone being nosy at the moment?)

I forgot to ask how you are coping with agoraphobia – you mentioned it a couple of days ago?

I don’t mind in the least your mentioning number mechanics – no need to tone it down. If you explain as you go I understand you better, if nothing else

What sort of books does your son enjoy? Any fiction?

I wish you and your son the happiest year ahead

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey Croix & Matt Dottie & Sara 😉

Just a handy little quote Ive had for years (it may help some and not others of course)

Depression is a Serious Illness

just like diabetes or heart disease

"Expecting positive thinking to cure depression is like expecting a person with diabetes to lower their blood sugar level by thinking happy thoughts"

*********************************************************************

I find this quote very useful especially for the people who think we can just 'snap out of it'

kind thoughts

Paul

[greywolf2]

Please excuse I for 'being nosey' guys;

I like this thread because it's about giving info about yourselves. Some don't do it on here and only tell other people what to do. This makes me angry.

Just wanted to tell you its great

Grey

[Croix]

Dear Grey~

Ta, no hassles, nice to meet you.

I think like everyone here I'd love to be in a position to tell others what to do, and know it was the right thing -sigh

Unfortunately I'm usually 99% stuck and hope that saying a little about myself strikes a chord, or allows someone to help me. We've also been interacting for a while and gained a measure of trust to open up.

It's a weird thing as there's a sort of pseudo-privacy feeling , even though it's really open to the whole world -go figure.

Also I guess Douglas Adams was talking about people like me when he said:

"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, their brains start working". (read writing for lips)

Though when I first came to the forums I said nothing to anyone for ages.

Do you have a home thread?

My best wishes

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey Grey...you arent nosey at all

I was so quiet when I signed up in January this year. Over the year I have seen some long term posters that jump in to help but never disclose anything about themselves. I know thats their choice but its difficult for me when I have my health plastered all over here as public record...even my old agoraphobia....acute anxiety..depression etc

I think as a poster to offer any quality counsel/advice a person should empathise by stating their own health issues especially if they are similar to a new posters issues

Thanks for jumping in on The 2016 New Years Chillout Lounge too with me stirring the pot with my disco tracks

Great to have you on the forums Grey 🙂 (and Croix of course!)

kindly yours

Paul

[1113]

Paul,

Great qoute buddy. Depression needs a combination of positive thoughts, meds, time, drs etc. This combination will be different for every single person. Coz every brain is different. Information is helpful at any given moment.

Me personally,

Had tonnes of experience, But still extremely difficult.

FYI,

Your words are only helpful in my eyes🤓 i think thats point dexter. Lol.

Welcome GreyWolf2,

Im interested in knowing who graywolf1 was? Lol.

The name is so cool btw. Just jokes about the previous sentence. Truly.

You should join us............introduce yourself.....please. This is about getting to know you.

Croix,

I'm in the recovery stage were my brain chemistry is starting to calm. I can have massive emotional memories and be fine about it. Little back lash. It has taken since june of this year to get to this point. Im proud of how far I've come. Agrophobia is gone. It comes when I cannot control my anxiety at all. For me anxiety and depression extreme opposites at the same time. When a major episode hits I already know how long the wave will be. Still unable to stop it, I just ride the wave, as difficult as it is.

He loves fiction.

Catch ya next year all

Going to spend the rest of the night with my fam.

Peace

[Croix]

Dear Paul~

Thanks for the quote, it's insightful, and will prove useful.

I quite agree with what you say, as far as dishing out empathy/advice/comfort goes I think you have to give people some idea about yourself - if only so the recipient can realize you've experience (credentials) from which to talk. I've dumped mini-episodes of my life all over the place - I've lost track - they'll probably come back to haunt me for years to come.

The other thing is that we are all disembodied voices on the screen. There's not that much chance of building up a productive relationship and trust without a gimps of the person at the other end. I feel particularly for 1st time posters who I guess tend to feel at a great disadvantage anyway, worried, exposed and mostly at sea -even if they manage to post in the right place

I tend to find it's difficult to pack it all in (though I'm slowly learning I suppose). By the time one has welcomed them, given one's own similarities (credentials), perhaps suggested a possible course of action and pointed out references to the home page, emergency number and things in threads the allocated characters are well and truly up.

Balancing what to emphasize and what to omit will come with practice I presume. Plus a full 2,500 char post can seem overwhelming - but I don't have an answer to that one.

Your avatar - 1974 Sandman? - is new, did you feel like a change?

Anyway my best wishes

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I think mine is more of a one sided wall. Sometimes the love- or whatever it is- flows out but I don't really let it in

I do understand exactly what you are saying and knowing a problem is indeed not fixing it. Pshrinks are limited anyway.

I too give help. I’ve been feeding the same quadriplegic every Friday since before you were born, I’ve worked in Rehab, I worked with students at Uni, I do Red Cross, Heart Foundation, RFDS etc etc. and now I’m here

I help others - but can’t switch on trust – I’ll get run over – common sense

I've only really trusted one in the police, two wives, a psychiatrist and one other who have been worthy

Parents: no way – Workmates: certainly not – Others: no

All have broken trust with me and in the case of my parents a lot more, some workmates actually tried to make me a patsy. The others are just either unreliable or too self-centred to be acceptable. They are acquaintances, necessary, maybe fun to be with, but ultimately not worthy of total trust – or maybe just a little in a limited way

May I please set some things down? I know you don’t want advice so I’m just setting out thoughts – I’ve no magic pipeline to ‘the answer' and so can’t give advice anyway – sigh.

For me trust has to be really earned, doubly so for someone who has had it massively broken – which I have. The person has to want to earn it, conduct themselves accordingly because it is their nature, and have the qualities to understand me. This takes a LOT of time

Any other expectation leads to heartbreak & bitterness

For me - you only have to find one person to be with and trust in your whole life, out of the 10,000 that you get to know. If you find that person and are able to share your life with them you have riches - I've been doubly blessed. If I find more I'm blessed again

You are highly intelligent, very sensitive, educated and with tons of empathy. I would suppose for someone to understand you and try to earn your trust, and you earn theirs, they will have you be from that small subset of the population too

It boils down to patience, finding somebody you can relate to who is prepared to work hard to gain your trust and have you earn theirs. You don’t do it by yourself

Although I'm just a set of letters on the page and will never see you face to face I have been and will continue to try to earn your trust as a friend - not an acquaintance. I'd like to help fill a little corner of the hole

With my affection

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

Re-reading the couple of paragraphs just before the last one I seem to have inadvertently slipped into 'advice mode' - which I know you were definitely not after. While I believe all I say I should probably have stopped talking earlier. Please be generous and allow me a little 'wiggle room'.

C