Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara and Croix,

I'm moved by your words especially as they weren't quite expected as I posted on another thread. I don't know what to say other than a heartfelt thank you. I think very highly of both of you (you too, Corny). Please know that.

Christmas was a lot harder than I had anticipated and ripped open some old wounds. In fact, the whole year has been hard especially the 2nd half of the year. So I'm now trying to stitch parts of myself back together.

After a 1/2 day at work, I spent most of the afternoon blasting music in my ears and walking aimlessly round and round the same route. I figured maybe it could help numb some of the pain. Shove each problematic emotion back in its rightful compartment.

Thank you again.

I love you all. I'll respond properly tomorrow.

Dottie xxxxxxxxxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
Thank you for your understanding concerning my difficult post, I guess you go with your instincts now and start the ball rolling

I’d suggest two things- my pardon if you have already considered them:-
Firstly pay a professional experienced in your form of endeavor to vet your plan and evidence quality

There have been some private individuals who have done a better job that lawyers in research and court conduct, however they are very very rare. Any avenues to glean help, experience and expertise should be explored irrespective of it being a set of medical / procedural based bureaucratic applications or actual court proceedings

Secondly don’t give anything useful away in this public form

Having got that out of the way did you have a reasonable Christmas with family and your son? Happily you seemed occupied with it.

Mine was marred by having to lift something in an emergency – I have a spinal condition and this incident did not help – but all is now in hand

I’m worried, as I said before, about Dottie (Dottie I hope you are listening) so if you’ll excuse me I’ll talk to her directly now, please listen in and add as appropriate- your wisdom is needed

Affectionately
Croix

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~
I’m worried about you for three reasons – this has nothing to do with your age or mine, and is not some form of lecture, it is me grasping in the dark for some handhold on a problem affecting a dear friend

Firstly you are in a bad place
I would guess triggered by your family – sorry if I’m on the wrong track. All three of us – plus others elsewhere, have the most wrenching need to make you at least a little better

Secondly coincidence
Only finding out about it because I am in another thread and happened to read your post – a bit like driving past a hospital and seeing a friend’s car outside Emergency – a coincidence

Thirdly receiving
You gives so much with care and wisdom to others, I do not think you lavish the same care on yourself. If I look at myself I think I understand at least partially why

My own hurts are familiar ‘friends’. They do not have the immediacy of reading other peoples’ anguish and do not as a result prompt the same ‘call to action’. This combined with the knowledge I have survived before means that my condition can deteriorate in an unanticipated manner down below the ‘easily handled’ stage

Before I joined bb and before I went further and joined the three of you in this thread I managed. Now I’m finding I’m becoming to be partially dependent on you all for my welfare. Although the word ‘dependent’ can have poor connotations, I think here it is a good thing with everyone benefiting

I don’t think that’s all. Combined with the habits of being self-effacing and of not asking for a hand means that you present a stoic state with just a ‘leak’ of emotion & hurt around the edges when things are horrible

You have my respect and admiration. I humbly ask that I, or Sara, or Corny or all three of us be allowed into your world to offer what we can

With all my affection
Croix

[Guest_322]

Thank you Croix (& Sara),

Your words meant a lot. I'm still digesting them and just thinking.

I have to get ready for work now but I'll be thinking of both of you (plus Corny). Speak to you tonight.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara (the one who was on the other thread)~
You are down, it happens, it sends the dark clouds of doubt and lack-of-direction looming low over the vista of your life

You already well know the answers, you don’t need me or anyone else to tell you that your needs, ideas, actions are every bit as important as anyone else’s. In the line-up of life that stretches beyond the horizon you are as tall as any, as important, and in many cases more worthy

You look in the mirror and see a fictitious race, a race in which the young familiar face seems overwritten by that older stranger. You are both, you are growing, it is good. The young face will never go away inside your heart, the older face will help it with wisdom gained from experience

You are wrong about having no voices to talk to, the only downside is they are not instant. You have a bottomless well of succor to draw from, dug deep and filled with heart’s-ease by those that love you

Patience, enduring, holding on is hard. The irony is that when those voices do arrive you have in many cases already answered yourself and moved on, leaving their answers as oddities, preserved on the page as dinosaurs in glaciers, perfect but out of time. That is as it should be. They are help if you are still in need, the knowledge of the warmth of friends if you are in need no longer

The people – real people – who authored those answers to you existed in this universe at the same time as your doubts and suffering, and their voices are ready to leap to your defense when the call arrives

Think on that, you are not alone, and you are worthy

Voices from the dealt-with past can only have the power to remind you of loss. It hurts to have had – and now have no more. Such hurt can skew the thinking, lending little round rose-tinted glasses with which to view the past, their size obscuring the very real reasons you discarded it

The vistas at the start of this post are still there and are good

All my affection

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara & Dottie~

Sara~ I am still mindful of that fragile butterfly

If you feel you can't talk here and don't want to be 'followed around' then just nominate a thread and I for one will never look there. I posted my real reply to you above on this thread and used the other thread just as a general chat area - and I hesitated to even do that, as you might have wanted to get away completely. In the end I came up with this compromise.

While that might seem a tempting offer to cry in isolation please don't do it. You never could say anything to be ashamed of and if you lock yourself away we all loose, not just you. Feeling close to another when they are happy or in pain erodes isolation and breeds love and understanding - what else is there in life?

Don't forget the other side of the coin, please talk of happy times too.

Dottie~

Asking to be 'let in' and helping does not mean dragging all those carefully sealed (but leaky) boxes out into the open. While it might assist in in our efforts to help you if we understand what the problems are it is not mandatory

You can say 'I hurt ' without specifying why and we'll try to distract you into another world where the urgency of pain is muted. If talking of music does not help I can tell you of my battle of wills with 'A merlyn mynydd Cymreig' in the past, or anything you suggest. Sara & Corny too will no doubt (as usual:) have their own ideas

All my affection to you both (and you too Corny if you're listening)

Croix

If ytou do not fee

[Just Sara]

Hi guys;

I thank you both for your support and concern, I really do.

Irrationally, I was driven last night by wanting to isolate myself from positivity, so turning to that corner of the site seemed ideal at the time; complete nonsense. While in the throws of passionate self pity, (and thoughts of suicide..sorry) I did what felt normal for me; I escaped into my own head and past (in public)

The whole event will be chalked up to experience as I learned a great deal about myself. This morning I called the Rape Crisis Hotline; I dug through it with a very experienced well trained consultant who assisted me back to the present and safety of my rational self. I came out of it with relief and purpose.

The encouragement we give is of enormous value when it comes to experienced moral support. There's no doubt about that. But there are times when professional know-how is necessary.

The lesson in this isn't just for me, but for all of us. Recognising when another hurts is what we do, and exercising our wisdom (and authority as peer supporters) to guide them to professional personnel needs to be kept in mind. We all try so hard to make things better, but sometimes forget when a cry for help is beyond our capabilities, we must move aside.

Please don't take this as being a dig at your absolutely invaluable contribution to my life. It's just my way of being my straight shooting self.

So in saying this; please Dottie...get some help!!

I have some deep thinking and doing to get onto, so I may not be as visible on this site for a while. I'm doing fine and will pop in to let you know how I'm going. I'm not in a place where helping others can be my priority right now ok?

I'll endeavour to reply to those who've come to rely on my input; first time posters threads. But any more than this will challenge my resolve to treat me first.

I love you with all I have to give; take care my lovelies.

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

but sometimes forget when a cry for help is beyond our capabilities, we must move aside.

I'm so sorry

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I'm glad you called the rape crisis hotline. It sounds like it was one of the best things that you could have done for yourself. It seems like they really looked after you and helped you back up on your feet.

Sage words about how there is a time and situation for everything. A time for peers and friends and a time for the pros to be called in.

Like I've never seen my role as trying to fix someone's problems or as some sort of wise person here. I empathise and I might offer my perspective but I'm always keenly aware of my own limitations. I mean, the shrinks are shrinks for a reason (as you know of course). Relax, I'm not interpreting your post as a dig so it's all good.

As for me, Dr Shrinkie (my psychiatrist that I've been avoiding like the plague) contacted me a little while back. My psychologist? Well, I haven't seen her in about a year now. I have their contacts on my phone, in my wallet and on my laptop. I'm not sure why I'm telling you this other than to reassure you. I'm not exactly in a good headspace but, hey, I've seen much worse so I'm sure that I'll manage. I'm hurt but I'm also extremely resislient.

Just post when and if you feel up to it. You can't run on empty. Look after you. I adore you and your posts but you gotta do you.

Hold on tight...it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Much love and wishing you all the amazeness in the world.

Dottie xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Words can't express my appreciation and gratitude for your presence here.

As Sara likes to say, you're "on the money" about my family being the people who set me off. I think your comment about our own pains and hurts being so familiar that sometimes we gloss over them is a valid one. A perceptive one too.

To be honest, sometimes I know why and sometimes I don't know why I'm hurting. It varies from day to day and from hour to hour. Family does play a huge part in my hurts though.

I'm actually feeling a tad better as I put on my headphones immediately before and immediately after work today. Music...thank you for the recommendations. You're trying to speak the language that I understand best and I appreciate that immensely.

I'm not religious at all but I've been listening to an instrumental cover of Hallelujah, which has been very soothing. I've also been listening to The Arena. Another instrumental.

Anyway, I could talk forever about music. How are you doing, Croix? Hopefully we aren't overwhelming you on this thread.

Thank you again and you are amaze! I'll have to keep your music recommendations in mind.

Dottie xxxxxxxz