Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Merry Christmas Morning Croix, Dottie and Corny!!

(Croix..will respond to above post tomorrow ok? Today's full on with activity)

Well, the Santa has struck! Time to put on our party hats and share in some yummy roasted goodness and pav from mum! The kids will be scurrying around screaming and gallivanting, pure hellish noise, but oh so reminiscent.

I wish you all a fab day, with smiles and laughter all round. Lot's of kisses and hugs from loved one's, and that beautiful feeling as you watch the littlies rip open their prezzy's.

Peace and joy be with you...

Sara xoxoxoxo

[Just Sara]

Good (post Xmas) morning Croix;

As promised, I'm replying to your eerie sense of insight from 24th. How could you know me so well? Your amazing ability to turn a story into a well developed metaphor is gratefully received.

As far as blood and guts all over the place in my dream is concerned, there are moments in time where yes, the warrior in me is necessary to survive blood and guts conditions; kill or be killed. Metaphorically speaking, death has many guises.

As for your parallel Universe story, (colleague) I do get the comparison/s and your motivation in expressing it to me. So, current self awareness/insight provides opportunities to challenge old thinking and behaviour. It's actually exciting as well as a little scary.

Your co worker made a decision based on immediate emotion and variables, as did you. I, like him, have a 'need' to confront and challenge re my workplace issues. I'm not willing to do this 'at all cost', but I do want to finally find my voice where abuse of authority trauma is concerned.

It's been 2 and 1/2 yrs since my workplace breakdown, so I've spent many, many hrs in contemplation on how to approach my appeals. I suppose it may be arrogance, though this is negligible. I do think mostly, it's having a pro active plan to combat a legal and legislative environment intent on squashing anyone who decides to 'dare' challenge.

I'm allowing my gut instincts to time things right, so I'm nearly there. The biggest issue is of course the cognitive ability to carry it out. Unlike your workmate, patience within resolve is on my side.

My main purpose is to confront something in me, not my abusers, which I feel separates your colleague from me; directional focus. Abuse of power has been my constant companion since I can remember, so turning around to face the past is a necessary component of my recovery - self empowerment, and more-so of realising my own greatness.

There is more to this than meets the eye; my dept is every person who's ever hurt me. I 'have' to do this to feel whole and finally stop the past controlling my present.

I so love having you here Croix. You truly give me a perspective that promotes 'peripheral' analysis.

I hope your Xmas was fruitful and enjoyable...

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
Please ask to delete this post if it is too much - my blunderings need not be a constant reminder
Me:
I don’t want to say anything that will cause you distress – or more importantly sow seeds of self-doubt - the much greater harm. I’m just a fellow sufferer feeling my way. I’ve done things in my life with the most serious consequences possible for others, and I relive them

But I have a need to help those I care for, to yell out a warning if they might tread on a rotten plank in a suspension bridge over a chasm. If that shout causes them to fall off the bridge, I’ll relive that too even though I acted from care

Plus I can be so on completely on the wrong track that it’s laughable. I also am a worry-wart

You:
Everything you say makes sense, the feelings of self-worth, the targeting of you and not the system, the hasty and dubious motives of my colleague and so on – all spot on

Worthwhile, necessary, healing, even good for society – all true

X versed in the field, who may give emotional support too - great

What I’m worried to say:
I am not sure that you are robust enough right now. Please forgive me throwing back your own words

23 days ago I sought you out when someone you were helping skipped posting in return -
The emotional investment I put into you and your plight, took a lot out of me personally …. The tears and heartfelt support I gave came from a place so real, I didn't know how to deal with it

When you had the incident with the drunk -
I try so hard to be strong, I do. But there are times, times I want a man to be here. I've done this alone for so long, I don't remember what it's like to feel safe. Damn, I can't …

Then the workman -
My safety was at the core. Contributing factors such as fear of consequences, feeling trapped in my own home, this person being a man and facing an unknown outcome was too much to bare

The process:
The entrenched delay-ridden, self-serving legal system, bulging with money, fueled by self-protection and self-interest, willing to ride rough shod over any human being – I’ve seen it and it is one of the major reasons I lost faith

The Question:
Are you, right at the moment, sufficiently strong for perhaps several years of this, also bearing in mind you have no one who has made a 24/7 commitment to be present with you for the journey?

Right or very wrong I said the above because you are admirable, strong, worthwhile and my friend. For you to fall as a casualty to the legal system would be too much

Croix

[Just Sara]

Hi Croix;

You've absolutely out-done yourself with your last post my dear friend; you stopped me in my tracks. It's caused me to 'feel'. I recognise that emotion too well...fighting my acceptance of a sensitive and genuine person in my sphere. Trust is earned as well as 'learned'.

Please don't ever ask that I delete anything you've written. I say this with all due respect, because the value you represent to me is NOT to be taken for granted or dishonoured. This is for you to accept within yourself as well Croix. (btw you do not contribute 'blundering's'!)

Reading your questions and quotes identifying my current circumstances and issues, was without a doubt one of the most 'real' moments for me on BB. The emotion's raw, but not unwelcome. It challenges me to grow and accept love. That is after-all what we give to each other isn't it?

As far as surviving the legal system? I have nothing to lose. They've taken everything from me already. I've dragged myself thru the mentalness to find and accept myself, and my greatness.

The faith I have in myself isn't inflated. You walk beside me Croix; how can you say I don't have 24/7 support? Please don't underestimate how worthy you are to fill this gap; know your true worth as my friend instead of fearing my demise; you are the man I've grown to trust and admire...my friend, wing-man!

The situational stress you raised is about loneliness and my lack of confidence with face to face challenges. I do understand your concern though. As I said, my instincts lead the way; I've learned to trust this process.

I'd like to write more, but I'm emotional Croix; conceptual tug of war.

One day I hope you allow me the opportunity to walk beside you too (without my 'stuff' being in the fore)

Thankyou...thankyou so very, very much!

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I came upon you in another thread I belong to.

I have no idea if a text-based shout relives any tension. What it does do is let those that care about you know that you are not in the best of places.

Being the person you are you will probably prize your ability to keep going quietly without fuss -just leaking a little around the edges at the moment perhaps.

You've heard these words before, they are just as heart-felt now as the first time:-

Talk, distraction, anything you need ....

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
I’m relieved, you're welcome and yes we do give love

You are planning a most dangerous journey (you know I mean mentally not financially / employability) and as I result I wanted you to have a litmus test which you could use to judge your own fitness to continue. Sometimes desires outweigh caution and the realistic judgments of one’s capabilities

Thus, although I dressed it up in my usual self- depreciating way, I tried to treat you as someone with no mental injury to their name. Just a strong rational person. I shoveled back at you reminders of past recent problems so you could estimate your real flexibility and endurance. I felt cruel doing it, but would have felt crueler not to.

If it was too painful, i.e. if you did not have the strength of the mostly recovered then you had an out - to delete the painful words. With them gone hopefully you might not be reluctant to keep on posting in this area – a place that I truly believe helps you (& me)

I fully accept your decision to go on, I know you know yourself. I’m not sure you know the toll the legal system will take but you’ll fight and fight. Win, lose or draw, you will come out the other end intact

I will indeed be with you every step. However in practical terms I’m no substitute for a warm breathing real flesh and blood companion. I hope that comes your way sooner rather than later

Don’t doubt you do walk beside me and I lean on you. Your telling of your doubts and triumphs resonate. I can’t say I completely understand the process, but you are human and you give, I take

On another matter, as you can see from my last post Dottie has come back from Christmas in a less than totally happy state. I hope we can provide a sanctuary (are you listening Dottie?)

All my affection

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Corny~

When you come back here you will find umpteen posts that have been made in your absence. They are just that - made in your absence.

I'd be desolated (& I know Sara & Dottie would be too) if you no longer felt this was your home, just an alien space taken over by others.

Your sometimes blunt insightful presence is missed, as is news about you

Affectionately

Croix

[Just Sara]

Dear Croix;

The power within your words completely complements my journey. I'm still coming to terms with having you 'there' expressing your concern and amazing wisdom.

I concur how having a 'body' to communicate with would be ideal, but waiting for this to happen might take longer than is necessary to submit my Request for Review. This isn't an 'Appeal' which is where the legal system gets nasty.

I have the opportunity to challenge their decision with rationale, information and reality. My plan covers 3 Workers Comp requests without asking for a lump sum outcome. This takes the pressure off insurers and helps to evaluate the cost (to them) of me appealing vs paying out lost wages/leave and psychological therapy. The difference being more attractive financially.

There's method in my madness Croix, as overturning all 3 claim decisions will open the door to the anti discrimination tribunal; it's not about money, it's about strategy. That's where the warrior fights with gusto. I don't need legal representation until I walk into the A/D arena. That's what I mean by 'nothing to lose'.

The first successful review will assist the next by me submitting that documentation as supporting evidence. By the time I get to the 3rd review, my evidence base will be compelling. This plan took many months to develop while I worked on my mental health, confidence and strategy to build my case.

Chess comes to mind...each patient and strategic move works toward the desired outcome. If played well, especially knowing your opponent, the game itself and the rules, that outcome will come sooner than later. The King of course represents the ultimate reward.

I am my greatest asset! I've been playing sports and games my whole life. This plan began in 2008 and is now finally coming to fruition. With each painful experience, I learned how to play the game better. While 'inside' the system, my power was limited. Now on the outside, control is returned. Cheating or changing the goal posts isn't possible anymore.

As you can see, this issue drives my resolve and passion. I've had to tame things while waiting for the right time. There's hard work ahead developing/coordinating evidence and a no-nonsense approach. Triggers will occur; that won't change.

Sigh...it's been so long. I won't be able to give as much on BB, but when the last paper is signed, my life will change forever and BB will become my full-time work.

Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hey there Dottie;

Post Xmas blues...is this you? I'm here as always waiting for you to one day ask for my help or advice. It won't be an inconvenience or bother, on the contrary. It's nice to be needed, especially by someone I adore and admire...and, who's been my rock. Giving back would be a pleasure and honour.

I won't badger you, I've read many times how you don't like to encroach on my thread, but this doesn't apply anymore. It's become 'our home', and home is where the heart is right?

I don't need your support today. I'm here for you my sweet D-girl.

Love you...Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

Do you find a particular classical/semi-classical musical piece or passage is especially good for relieving overwrought emotion? Perhaps something with a pounding beat rising to a crescendo , or where you can play really pounding the keys as hard as is wise?

This may not just apply to you, but to anyone and I'd find the answer most useful. Yes I know there's a million different answers, many depending upon the personality involved.

I've mentioned to some Johann Strauss Sr. "Radetzky March" for mindless thumping, and Maurice Ravel "Bolero" for working oneself up to a crescendo.

What do you think?

Affectionatly

Croix (who a practically invisible as he is so transparent)