Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[QldMouse]

Hi Dottie, Mary, Sara, Corny, Croix, Sparkvark, Wishful and others

Thank you Dottie, and thank you all for all your messages have meant this year. They have meant a lot.

I hope all your journeys are smooth and without bumps, triggers, black dogs (or cats) and no dark clouds.

Be well.

[QldMouse]

Oh yes, "the windmills of my mind". Loved that song, can't get it out of my head now!! .

[Croix]

Dear QldMouse~

We haven't struck each other before, I'm pleased to meet you.Thank you for your kind wishes.

That tune has been with me for a very long time and yet always seems to have the ability to spark something in me when I'm not in the best of places. As Dottie (who I found , along with everyone else, has the wisdom of a female Solomon aged 90+) remarked, perhaps it echoes the fragments in my mind at the time .

Anyway may I wish you peace and contentment in the days ahead

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

You were flat out for a day or so there. I haven't noticed you around for a little while.

It would not be impossible for someone to have a shock, bounce back with enthusiasm and then rebound down again.

I'd be shooting in the dark to venture further, though I can think of a couple of possibilities.

Please let me know how you are.

Affectionately, Croix

[Just Sara]

Dear Croix;

It's 2am, so this won't be long. I'm ok...pausing to fulfil the responsibilities of Xmas domesticity. I'll return tomorrow and chat.

Thankyou for your concern...you're a precious man. (Hugs)

Sara the just..xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

> I'm ok. - Good,

hope the family is cooperative, loving or friendly as appropriate and that you get pleasure from the contact.

I come home late Fridays - it's a long day as I leave at 7.45 and return around 11. When I didn't see anything fresh from you I popped in the above enquiry and went for the usual walk with my partner and the dog.

The dog, which we acquired second-hand, rather resembles a small coffee-coloured blimp with a toothpick in each corner.

It has amazing strength and is firmly convinced that if it wishes to veer away and inspect some undoubtedly interesting (to a dog) feature then all should follow - which leads to a full-blown tug of war - excellent exercise for both it and my wife.

- Come to think of it all three of us are second-hand, both my wife and I having been married before to a partner that passed away.

We saw an eastern-barred bandicoot on the walk which really made the trip - well it did for us, not the bandicoot, which seemed upset to see us and scooted away.

I too will have a pretty packed three days with family, but will still be on-line quite frequently.

Affectionately, Croix

[Just Sara]

Good morning Croix;

There's peace in your words; this pleases me.

You seem to be in a good place today, and yesterday too. I'm happy for you; where those moments of normality and routine are a welcome change to the mindlessness of PTSD. Story telling is one of your gifts which resonates with me instilling calm healing.

Second hand - I like this term; it reminds me of a full length mustard jacket with big pockets, satin lined and very, very stylish. I purchased it for $4 at Vinnies when I was 17. (Top shelf item!) "How could anyone give this away?" I thought. Thank goodness they did, because I felt like a million dollars wearing it.

My friend at that time was an overweight charismatic girl, whose lot in life was to be the centre of attention at any cost. I was drawn to her outlandish, boisterous laughter and behaviour. It complemented my quietly reserved traumatised personality; yet another of my abusers. That jacket ended up being one of many items claimed by her as 'fair game'.

She's been on my mind of late. A 'person of interest' when delving into my patterns of behaviour. I still manage to find people, especially men, who see my inner qualities as something to 'acquire' for themselves to abate their insecurities. This saddens the genuine nature of me deeply; I've loved them all.

I dreamt of her last night; a black wolf chasing me from behind a fence while I ran down a dirt track trying to escape and save another - me I gather. A gap in the fence gave an opportunity for us both; its attack and my defence. I killed it with bloody abandon.

As a metaphor, its candour relates to a current situation. This insight yet again, puts me at a fork in my journey's road. A choice to release me from the past and take the road less travelled...X

I've faced many of these situations; each one causing strain and unfamiliarity...fate. Some where I rose to the occasion, and some where I was swept backward.

At the time I met the above girl, there was another friend I spent time with. She was focused, intelligent, feminine and genuine...foreign. I walked away from her to join with my future abuser.

I needed to write this Croix; thankyou for being my 'witness'.

This thread was/is necessary to combat the isolation of my CC world of giving to others. Your first response to me bought this home; I'm indebted to you.

I'm ready...

Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi QM;

It's always nice to see you on here saying hello! It's appreciated.

I hope you have a lovely Xmas filled with joy and laughter, and a New Year filled with abundance with all things great and small.

Hugs...Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara
I’ve been looking forward to replying & now I’ve posts & other ‘Xmassy’ items done I can

I’m a soupçon relieved you didn’t say you had a down-side from the other day, though it would have been natural

Your tale of the jacket, how you felt wearing it & where it finished up helps give me a clearer picture of you as human and less a text-only cypher. In some ways I’m not a witness, I’m growing into a participant, interacting and perhaps prompting. Any debt really is entirely mutual

Frankly of the two I think you got the better of the deal – your charismatic friend ended up with a (rather nice) coat and you ended up with a peck more wisdom, purchased at the price of a coat. (Yes I realize there is more to it)

An opportunity lost with the other friend - true. But could you, as the person you were then, have offered her as much as you can now?

For somebody that wanted to get rid of the warrior image you are not doing too well. I can see you now with blood up to your elbows and bits of wolf and fur scattered along that dirt track and fence. No sitting down at a conference table having ‘fruitful’ discussions for this woman!

Loving those that are close, and having those qualities others needed is no bad thing. The trick, always, is finding someone to share with, not to donate to. I’ve been fortunate beyond belief

I’ll now sail into dangerous waters and tell you a story – entirely true. There were 2 of the same rank, both actually with the same surname, invalided out of the police at around the same time for similar stress-related disorders. I was one. I chose the path of completely divorcing myself from the past and having no contact. I grieved, studied, taught and moved on, still not cured but alive (in the better sense)

The other took the opposite tack, attempted to vindicate himself by suing the police. He spent a couple of years doing this and won, received a modest lump sum but forfeited his wife, children and in my opinion - lost. I met him later when he was living by himself with no love, no mission in life, still filled with old resentments and feelings

Here’s the nub. Vindication consumed him to the exclusion of all else, and I think the process, the interaction with old situations and dealing with the same overly bureaucratic heartless system, even when filtered through legal counsel, harmed him greatly

You offer so much to someone, just as you are, right now

Affectionately,
Croix (who apologizes for such pointless meanderings)

[Croix]

Dear Corny, Dottie and Sara~

-special people

Happy Christmas

I hope you can look back on it with fondness

Croix