Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

My dearest Dottie;

It seems I've been inadvertently neglecting you. Due to Croix and I posting at similar times and frequency, the banter between us has increased. I always appreciate and look forward to your presence here...I'm sure you know this.

I talk about the 'Universe' and how mysteriously, synchronicity magically puts the right people and situations in our midst to challenge and enlighten our way thru life. It's recognising and then taking up those opportunities that sets us apart from 'mere mortals'. Ha ha (Some arrogance from me for a change)

I consider you a 'cut above' for many reasons as you're aware; I reiterate them at regular intervals to reinforce the value you represent to me and how precious you've become. And of course, to batter away at your protective wall.

Your musical post was a pleasure for me to read Dot. Passion is infectious; seeing you blooming like a 'one off' lotus spreading its petals. Such beauty in expression is rare...

My keyboard has been 'claimed' by my mum who refuses to let it out of her grip. So the white and black keys will be replaced by guitar strings, a more versatile option. (A laptop vs the bulk of a home computer) My son has one sitting in my spare room, so I might rescue it from its confines and dabble.

I'm surprised you've chosen the sterile world of administration as a tertiary endeavour...all that passion will have to find its way through the forms and formality. Even psychology limits uniqueness.

I'm still tired...sigh

Hope to read you soon my lovely...

Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for the warm greeting, and moreover, for sharing a little more about yourself.

Your armed truce approach/mentality seems to be helping. Of course, I realise that you didn't reach this truce overnight and that a lot of hard work went into it (plus trial and error).

You seem to have, or at least to a large extent, figured out ways to navigate the PTSD waters. Sure, I bet it can be very turbulent at times but it seems like you know your way around the waters. Much credit to you, Croix.

I'm happy that the email presented a positive outcome for you. You must be so relieved! Hurray for escaping the hamster wheel! Phew.

I think your careful wording definitely comes across. We- especially Sara- appreciate your writing style immensely and your words are really beautiful to read. It's also a nice contrast to my more casual and careless writing (complete with typos and blasted autocorrrect issues ha, ha).

Joking aside, I get what you mean when you compare your writing to my piano playing. Same effect and intent behind your words and my playing- just a different delivery medium 😉

I wouldn't exactly call your response to Wednesday's post "desperate." You gave it a go and spent time trying to show your support. Above all, it was sincere.

My personal opinion is we don't always need to have direct experience when we respond to someone else's thread. We don't need to be experts (I'm definitely not). I mean, I don't see our role as trying to solve someone else's problems; I see it as showing support and offering suggestions and alternative perspectives.

I'm extremely shameless and sometimes respond to threads where I've zilch relevant personal experience. Sure, there have been (many) times where I've asked myself "why on earth did you feel the need to respond?"

But when it comes down to it, I think it's about empathy and (hopefully) helping someone else feel a tiny bit less alone than anything else (my 2 cents worth ha, ha). This mentality is a huge part of how I keep my sanity even though I respond to a fair few posts 😉

Yes, I'm expecting 90 virtual candles on my virtual birthday cake for my 21st ha, ha. Corny is apparently 200-something (or was it 300-something) years old? So between the 2 of us, you and Sara will need to stock up on a LOT of virtual birthday candles.

Anyway, my silliness aside, thank you as always for your thoughtfulness. You're much appreciated.

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Of course you were scared! That was frightening as well as a sad reminder of a certain isolation. Loneliness blows, doesn't it? To have been comforted and emotionally held up after a scary ordeal was what you needed but lacked.

I'm glad you could come here and write to us. Although I realise it's not the same as having that physical presence with you at the time. Big virtual hug from me.

Good on lifeline for helping you get you through it. I hope you have been taking it easy (or as easy as possible) on yourself today.

Sara, huh? I kind of like that too. Sara Connor was awesome but Sara is probably, in some ways, more relatable.

Ah...you found your new avatar. It feels as though your avatar and pending name change complement each other. It's still you; an evolved you, stripped bare. No blazing gun but you in a photo. No more Sara Connor but Sara. Stripped bare but in a good way.

Thank you for thinking of me. I don't feel neglected. Conversations just follow their natural course so it's all good 😊

Thank you for the high praise. I forever spill random words but I'm glad they seem to make some sense to you.

Um...so your mum doesn't really play anymore but would rather the keyboard gather dust at her place than give it (return it) to you? I mean, if I remember correctly, she had long given up/gotten sick of playing. I know bits and pieces about her so I'm not exactly surprised...but still...

Ah time to dust off the guitar and learn some chords 😊 While I'm disappointed for you about the keyboard, I'm glad that there is an alternative.

Well, Commerce and Psych are both pretty flexible degrees in the sense that they can be used in many different fields. For example, if you're an accounting major (I'm not btw), there's no rule saying you have to work for your "typical" accounting firm or in the corporate sector. You could try for an accounting role at, say, a publishing house or record label. Or you could work part-time, and I don't know, teach dance classes at night.

Or if you were a law student, people typically think law firms and the like. But there's no rule saying you can't venture out of that. You could be part of the legal team at a design house or theatre company.

I personally feel it's not always strictly about the degree but it's about what we do with it. Lateral thinking, right ha, ha? I always keep my eyes peeled for interesting opportunities.

Anyways...more super duper hugs from me.

Love ya and stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I thought I'd tell you how much I value your warm presence here and your ability to provide clarity.

But when it comes down to it, I think it's about empathy and (hopefully)
helping someone else feel a tiny bit less alone than anything else (my 2
cents worth ha, ha). This mentality is a huge part of how I keep my
sanity even though I respond to a fair few posts

I think you are so right.

Even a small world made of empathy and care is the most precious of jewels. Some families have this, even a few (very few) organizations. Inside perspective and the things deemed important change. It is a balm to the soul.

I could not read the posts in these bb forums where there is so much anguish and loss without forever discovering new and earnest deeds of help and humanity, freely given from those that have themselves suffered. Without that the place would be unbearable and I would have to shun it - as would most others.

Your efforts (including the shameless ones:) and cheerful 'voice' (ha ha) help greatly to make this place bearable and an avenue of healing for so many (including me).

(I bet you are really 90 after all and are just pretending youth - hmm.. that reminds me of Joan Collins for some reason)

I spent 15 years at a uni in an honorary teaching position (applied computing & maths) after the 1st stage of my recovery and would be surprised if 60% went on to careers related to their degrees. Having the paper and mental discipline opens the doors (I'm no doubt telling you what you already know), so I'm not worried you are actually forced to go into a sterile environment - there's plenty of wiggle room.

I wonder, do you manage to play piano much in front of others, if so do you have a favorite recital piece?

Affectionately, Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Wow, I'm astonished that my words received such a response from you. Thank you.

I guess everyone here generally tries to support each other- hold each other up a little. Life is hard so we just try to empathise and listen, uh, read.

Yeah, BB ages you- I was 20 going on 50 at the start. Fast forward a couple of months and I'm apparently going on 90. Give me another few months and I'll be 150 ha, ha.

Joking aside, I think that's part of the beauty of these online forums. It brings people of all different ages and backgrounds together. Offline, most people gravitate towards those close to their own age (except for the worldy, wise-beyond-her-years-Corny) but here everyone sort of "chats."

15 years was a long time spent in your teaching post. It's good to hear that there is wiggle room- wiggle room appeals to me.

Nah, I don't really play much in front of others these days (unless my housemates count). If I'm feeling showy then Beethoven's 5th symphony (transcribed for a piano solo) or Bumblebee (Rimsky-Korsakof) is good.

But aside from classical music, I'm fairly open minded about music of all genres and eras. Music is music, after all. On a more contemporary note, my most recent guilty pleasure is Don't Wanna Live Forever (Zayn and Taylor Swift). I just wish it wasn't associated with the 50 Shades of Grey movie franchise ha, ha.

You stay amaze too. Night.

Dottie x

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

How are you managing? (After any such sort of shock one can feel down or even disappointed)

<...........> Space for obligatory intrusion apology left blank.

Affectionately, Croix

[Just Sara]

Morning D-Girl;

Firstly I want to comment on how your writing is changing; more confidence, ease, openness. It really suits you! Isn't it amazing what passion can evoke? You're coming into your own as the saying goes. And, you didn't deflect my complements! Yay...the wall is crumbling!

I feel similar when I'm motivated by drive, ambition and creativity. It may be adrenaline at the heart of it, but it's a biological force meant to liven things up...useful at times.

Croix, there's a couple of items of yours left unaddressed by me; transference - 'the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object'

Counter-transference - 'A situation in which a therapist, during the course of therapy, develops positive or negative feelings toward the patient. These feelings may be the therapist's unconscious feelings that are stirred up during therapy which the therapist directs toward the patient'

When I mentioned transference, I was referring to triggers I experienced during posts vs positive attributes (in posts) transferred from one person to another. Eg..your presence on this thread encouraging different styles and focus. I hope this makes sense.

The Community Champ's; you can be approached by, or make enquiries to the moderators on this subject. There are requirements and obligations including a contract and mental health care plan. We have contact with each other on a private forum for support. Every now and then, there's an invitation to members who want to become a CC, the last one was a couple of months ago.

To be considered, moderators will scan your posts for signs of empathy and encouragement while posting on members (especially first timers) threads and frequency/quality of follow ups.

Everyone has their own style of responding. And as you stated in your post to me on 'Comedy Relief', we're people who've suffered (and still do) trauma, BPD, anxiety/depression etc and want to pass on what we've learned. The range of qualities within our volunteer peer support group includes male, female, LGBTI, qualifications and age for instance. Every person brings something of personal value to the role.

I hope I've explained things adequately re your inquiries.

Love you guys...

(Just) Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

It's nice to hear you 'voice'. Thanks for the information, I've put in an inquiry to Chris B as a result - we'll see what happens.

Hope you are ok

Affectionately, Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Corny, Dottie~

Corny~
if you get the chance to drop in I'd find it good to know how your faring, Mother, Xmas and all.

Dottie~
Why be surprised, what you say is worth listening to - the age disparity is indeed a great thing, and provided one does not give in to the temptation to give one’s ‘benefit of experience’ too much and listens one can learn heaps enjoyably from a much younger perspective

I’d disagree about 15 years being long, - 15 out of nearly 70 is only just a bit. Plus I tend to do things for long times, marriage, employment (paid or honorary), treatment of my condition, whatever. One grows into things and in my case that sometimes doesn’t happen all that quickly

Your show pieces differ - 3 1/2 minutes of frantic keyboarding vs 35 minutes of strength - both excellent to listen to of course, do you get tired by the end of the 5th?.

Your guilty pleasure is nice – though if you don’t know the outcome of book 3 it’s sad (and any way I’d sooner live with some pain rather than not a all) . The juxtaposition of the simple guitar with the rich voice is lovely

Disregard its origin – the 50 shades lot is merely a romance in the ‘billionare’ genre with publicly allowable spice on top sold via the K-Mart – the author adapted her fanfiction from the ‘Twilight’ vampire universe

I have a favorite from a B-movie “The Thomas Crown Affair”. It’s Michel Legrand’s “The Windmills of Your Mind”. When I’m a tad down I play the different artists’ portrayals in YouTube & decide which best suits my mood. Sadly my French is no longer good enough for those versions.

BTW this is definitely on topic as the thread's ‘Getting to know you …’ after all

Sara the Just~
I went in with another officer to arrest a bikie (about an explosion) in a pub full of them. Actually nothing much happened but jeers and some 'oink's' (If you'll pardon the expression Corny) but when we got back to the car & had him safely in the back I went to pieces, could not even put the key in the ignition. The other member had to deal with things. Took a long time to get it together and then did I feel stupid, ashamed and that I was not to be trusted

Much later of course I realize I did everything right - just like you. My reaction may differ on specifics from yours, but we both did react afterwards.

As I'm pleased to hear you are on top with your physical security so I'll omit that trick for the moment.

No idea what they'll make of my cc inquiry

Affectionately, Croix

[Just Sara]

Hey Croix!

Sara the Just~ love it!! How creative...so you! It suits me to a tee I'd say, especially with my bully boy aversion and rants re same.

Good luck with the CC inquiry, we need more people like you. Just in time for our get-together next yr.

Re that 'trick'; now you have my interest. Nothing like tempting people, then withdrawing the offer for another day. Whaahh....instant gratification...NOW!! Ha ha lol

With your biker situation, to me it would've been about the ability to just breathe after something like that. They can be so unpredictable, violent and arrogant. (Mind you, the bomb aspect would've been a challenge too) If we're predisposed, it's worse. I so get it! When I was in Corrections, there was plenty of situational stress. I worked with a great team (more than not) and found my intelligence and voice while there.

In those days a Critical Incident wasn't heard of. I found a man dead in his bed one morning, and as the first responding officer had a lot on my plate trying to follow procedures and keep nosie-bodies out of his cell.

My 'counselling' ph/caller asked me was I alright. I was of course still high on adrenaline and said; "I'm fine" and that's all she wrote. No follow up's or talking about it. Needless to say, I had to take 2 days off to recover once the dust settled.

So many stories, so little space...

It was the best job I ever had..sigh. I miss the comradeship, teamwork and socialising. It's not like that anymore unfortunately.

I haven't chosen a guitar piece to learn yet, but I daresay it'll be a classic jazz number. I love Miles Davis to bits, though he's the go-to horn specialist. Maybe George Benson, but I think 17 yrs of practice may just put me in good stead for him. lol

I'm thinking 'Classical Gas', what do you and Dottie think?? That's what my son dipped out on yrs ago. I remembered just now.

I'm doing well today thanks Croix. I even replied to first posters, and started a new thread.

Mmm..hmm...I'm back Jack!

Sara the Just~ hugs galore xoxo