Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Pleasure 😊 I'm astonished (but also very pleased) that you took my words to heart about returning to the keyboard. I hope it- your keyboard and music in general- keeps you company especially on your bad days and/or when you're feeling lonely.

The girl at your music store sounds as though she was very helpful and friendly. About your son giving up because of the challenging parts, well, maybe if you find that piece again, you can play the parts that he gave up on. I get the impression that you'll persist more than him.

Will you let us know if you find a keyboard/piano teacher and start lessons? I'm curious (nosy) about how that goes.

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

I'm glad you and Sara have been chatting freely on this thread. It almost feels as though you're writing letters to each other.

About your "self pity" post, well, I think of it as more valid feelings and fears than feeling sorry for yourself. I'm glad you seemed to have found comfort in Sara's post- I think the 2 of your shared an understanding there.

The hamster wheel sounds like a nerve racking and exhausting mindspin. I don't know...to tentatively add my 2 cents worth- bearing in mind that I don't really know too much about your PTSD background...sometimes I feel the intellect and our emotional worlds can be out of sync with each other. Like how you intellectually understood that your thoughts were distorted but it didn't exactly stop the hamster wheel from spinning. Maybe, as Sara suggested, when you better manage the root cause then you can better manage the symptoms.

101 posts at last count! Credit to you, Croix 😊 Congrats!

You and Sara speak the same language (Words) so I'm not entirely surprised that she was moved by your writing style. I think Sara described words as her "weapon of choice" in an older post. Hey, it looks like it might be yours too!

You do write very well- careful, sensitive and engaging. As you said, those words are your offerings from all that you have learnt over the years- that definitely comes across here.

As for my modus operandi and avatar-less state, well, it is what it is is ha, ha.

Anyways...

You stay amaze too.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

It's interesting that you have, in your own way, come to terms with experiencing sadness and hardships by appreciating the insight that follows. I'm guessing while your approach doesn't exactly lessen any immediate pain- and that's probably not the point anyway- it helps you grow as a person.

All the best with your "known subject" matter. I don't know too much about it but I hope your gut proves right again 😉

As has been said by many before me, timing is often everything. So maybe with X and your non f/t relationship with her as well as her many qualities and govt. knowledge, it might just be the thing you need right now.

Hugs and stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~
It's lovely to hear your cheerful 'voice' back again. I hope you had a great weekend -hopefully squeezing in some music. Incidentally I too think it's great Sara is contemplating keyboard, and I guess you're right - we have been corresponding directly in your absences.

As for your modus operandi - you might well have it exactly 'spot on', my instinct from the very little I know gives me a nudge - but as I say I know very little, you are the person on the 'spot' after all (& going on 90:)

The self-pity bit. I decided to say something as I'm coming to the conclusion that help from here is both needed and welcome. I'm glad I did.

When it comes to root causes I think I have basically gone as far as I can. I was first tentatively diagnosed in 1977 and over the years have undergone immense improvements and also reached the current armed truce with my condition. (See White Knight's new thread)

There's hope, why only a couple of years ago I started taking a new medication, which combined with techniques I learned years ago, stop me from often dreading going to bed - I can look forward to rest

I am practiced at identifying triggers and taking avoiding/preventative action, and also have a whole stack of short-term remedies, some more effective than others.

Unfortunately I felt duty bound to take an action that likely would trigger an attack, and now have the dreaded wheel to contend with (far better than the one in the Middle Ages - and no I'm not that old:). I'm still waiting on an email that, if positive, should settle things down

Words as weapons? Maybe, I do know words are the delivery system and camouflage to sneak in the weapons which (so far as an insubstantial ghost consisting entirely of text and others peoples' imagination is concerned) are experiences, a faint smear of wisdom, homour and empathy.

I try to place my words as carefully as you place your fingers when on the piano - with probably equal enjoyment. You probably get more than 2,500 key-strokes though:)

100+ posts? I'm changing in unanticipated ways due mainly to support from the 3 of you, giving me an affectionate, solid foundation from which to sally forth - not that I can always find much to say. My direct experience is limited. Desperation breeds unusual attempts I guess.Glance at my post yesterday on page 6 of:-

Forums/ Long term support over the journey/ I'm not managing so well anymore.

- no idea of success.

Hope Corny's managing

Affectionately, Croix

[Croix]

Well folks~
The hampster has escaped the wheel, streaking golden on pumping tiny legs, pronking and squeeling into the underbrush. The wheel has been cast out onto the towering weed-infested heap of past wheels to rust in company. Insignificance, doubt and dread have retreated muttering into the shadows, no doubt plotting their next encroachment

In short the email I was waiting for arrived and was positive (What a lot of fuss!)

Now that's out the way - Sara, do you have any views on the cc program?

With affection, Croix

[Just Sara]

Evening Croix and Dottie;

Before I begin, I need to get something off my chest. I'm frightened. A drunk/mentally ill man just came up to my house while my door was open. (The screen was closed/locked) He mumbled some incoherent words and tried to get into the screen door.

My little dog was barking his head off; I'd switched on the outside light prior to going to the door. When I could get a word in, I asked him to please move on. He didn't hear me and kept ranting. I asked him again. He turned and walked off towards my neighbours house. I closed/locked my door, windows and pulled the curtains.

Panic and anxiety built until I couldn't stand it anymore. I'm here typing because..I don't have anyone else...tears...

I try so hard to be strong, I do. But there are times, times I want a man to be here. I've done this alone for so long, I don't remember what it's like to feel safe. Damn, I can't see thu my tears. Taking a break..

[Just Sara]

I'm so glad neither of you saw my last post before I came back. I'm ok; I called Lifeline after I didn't get a call back from a friend. They were great and even gave some pearls of wisdom to bring me back to reality...great team there!

I won't stop long. I'm exhausted. I'll return tomorrow night after spending more time on the house. Need to keep busy. Maybe see a movie. I'm embarrassed I've done this, but Dot, you know me...keys at the ready.

I will answer your question Croix about CC's. And your posts up the page. Just not tonight ok? Please be assured I'm ok?

Talk to morrow...Sara pxpx

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I am on my way out the door so cannot give this the time you deserve

You were strong. Like many in a 'combat situation' you acted, and when the incident was over you suffered a reaction - You did EVERYTHING right.

I'll tell you an incident of mine another time.

How dare you feel embarrassed- you are not a cardboard cutout -you are our Sara!

When settled take comfort in making a plan for similar situations - the same as you have a plan for an internal mental assault -I'll tell you a trick.

All my affection, Croix

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Croix;

You're a kind yet strong man who tells it like it is...I love this about you. You are of course correct in all aspects of your words, so I find myself reflecting on who I'm becoming.

I've changed my Avatar to an image of how I see myself at present. That's 'my' eye within a blue hue, the colour of emotional contemplation; laying on my pillow doing same. My username will also change (to just 'Sara') once approved.

I now understand your reference's to me as being a warrior and fighter; I am a well worn survivor Croix. Coping under extraordinary circumstances where others might flail.

A few years ago, I would've dealt with this situation very differently, and thanks to the Lifeline counsellor, this struck a cord. I took care of me first, as you said, doing all the right things.

I haven't lived with a partner for 27 yrs since my marriage ended. Taking care of myself and my property is something I do instinctively. It's not having someone there to hug and cry to; a chest to lean on and safety within strong arms while I fall apart in the aftermath. That's why I panicked afterwards instead of 'during'.

..'our Sara'; this gave me pause and tears. Reading it was emotional. Not in a bad way, just very nice. It is what this site represents in real terms after-all.

I'm still exhausted, so I'll take my leave for now.

Serenity;

Your Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I think you have made a great choice with your new avatar. I really admire it.

It is less aggressive, very feminine, knowing (in the sense of wise), appears to observe the observer, has just a hint of deep worldly experience and on my laptop changes colour subtly when scrolling down the page, rendering it almost alive.

(it also does not have the enlarged pupil of someone on illicit substances - an excellent precaution:)

The following is a blank space <..............> where I would have pointed out the merits of a well-chosen avatar to Dottie if I wasn't too tactful to do so - sorry Dottie I'm only teasing, I promise to be good in future.

I agree also it high time for you to drop the Conna, you don't need a stereotype to bolster courage or image anymore, you are a bigger person now, exactly typified by your blue eye.

Affectionately, Croix.