Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Wait...technically it should probably be "without pain/grief" ignore the sorrow part...I was thinking more doloroso)

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Dear Dottie;

How absolutely joyous! I reiterate Croix in rejoicing the absence of those in need within your text. The 'tone' of your words 'were' richer...you made me smile, and allows me to get to know the beautiful young woman you are just a little more; translucent, creative, expressive..eccezionale!

Music can create a pathway to the heart/mind/soul for certain; It can 'touch' us with abandon, memory, rhythm or whimsical naivety. In my childhood it was the backdrop to each day, an escape and destination all at once.

I asked my mum to send me for piano lessons, but the cost was elaborate considering her gambling addiction. So I tried to teach myself on an old beat up piano in a church hall each Friday in Kids Club run by Father Jones; he called us "odd bods" and was a wonderful male role model.

At times throughout my life, putting my fingers on the keys felt 'right'. Not being able to read music was a hindrance, but didn't allay my love for the melodies I created. (and copied) Your love of music reminded me..thankyou so much.

Croix...your love of reading comes across magnificently within your well formed expressive sentences. I have chills now thinking about them and how they make me feel. I love words..writing. This site has given me a platform to develop a style, and..I continue to learn from masters like yourself. So thankyou..

I have re-evaluated what the term 'fight' means to me. I really appreciate this conceptual addit of yours re my Avatar; thought provoking and wise. Again..thankyou.

I'm in a transitional stage as Corny states, which also includes moving from a war zone mentality into peace. This has me more prone to confusion than anything else. However, as with my other changes in thinking, it'll take practice and commitment to solidify so acceptance reins as a matter of course. I've felt it today bringing tears, an unknown quantity I'm beginning to comprehend albeit a little awkwardly.

From my opening post on this thread 12 mnths ago to these very words, I've evolved. Like childbirth, the pain fades with time leaving us to enjoy our reward.. 'creation'. I am birthing myself..

War...what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

Incredibly grateful...Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Dottie Sara Corny

Dottie~

I forgot one of the most important things to say about your post. I enjoyed it's content immensely, hearing about your teachers, their differing techniques and the composers they chose - it was interesting and afterwards sparked my memories - if I may speak for her; Sara understands and it sparked her memories too - good ones. I'm in a happy place because of your post and I get the feeling Sara is as well - if Corny reads it I'm sure it will have the same effect on her - now look what you've done!

When I was a kid I went to British Public Schools. One of them, apart from the obligatory OTC, had a music hall in which Mr S (who had lost a leg in the war) played the piano at choral practice. Mr A (who hadn't) was conductor and mentor. We learned the proper way to sing; breathing, technique, diction etc and it was a joy. I ended up in a choir singing the Messiah before a noted conductor in a large venue. I too had to audition (but dipped out on the chocolates).

After that my voice broke and I've a now lot in common with Lee Marvin when he sings 'Wandering Star'.(I still have my Handel score 60 odd years later though)

Sara~

I beg to differ. The war had a use - it forged you - the strong, intelligent, vibrant woman with perception and humanity, one I look to for so much. It has helped equip you to face the future with capability and strength and without the same fears

I can picture you with the 'odd bods' and piano - it makes me smile. I think we really help both ourselves and the others by recounting happy fragments of our pasts.

Corny~

I know you have other things on at the moment, I hope you get the chance to glance though these posts. I'd really like to know about you musical tastes, I suspect they are pretty diverse, a fond memory too would be wonderful if you were in the mood.

Sorry to get more serious but I keep remembering your bleak view of your future when talking to Dottie the other day. I can say one thing (and it applies to all 3 of you) - you are not broken. Maybe battered, torn, squashed and bleeding but each of you has an inner core.

It glows through the pain and circumstances like torchlight through fingers in a clenched fist. I've seen 2 men who had been broken and you are radically different, you have the stuff to prevail - they didn't and just existed.

Although I don't understand the context - have an 'oink'

Affectionately, Croix

[Just Sara]

Hi again Croix;

I just had to respond before retiring; your last post gave laughter - Lee Marvin singing, (belly laugh!) I'm old enough to get that reference! Tears - yielding to the positivity, clarity and caring in your words. Sigh's - counting my blessings that people like you, Dottie and Corny exist and are held in high esteem within my circle of trust. Nodding in agreement - your (plural) wisdom and courage to say it how you see it, instils trust that I'm not as scary as once thought. And, that wisdom has such power to give me pause...

This thread has evolved too, thanks to our collaborative efforts. How amazing are we? Totally...

Sara xoxoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi,

Croix, I think you have brought something really different to this thread. I mean, I know everyone brings something slightly different.

But maybe, in a way, you were the missing link, so to speak. It's as though you're the long lost member that we didn't know about and now that you're here, it's like, "oh yeah, your being here makes sense." Like Cornucopia and Sara, I'm grateful that you're contributing here.

Thank you, I really enjoyed reading your choir anecdote. Your love of singing and music came across in your writing. Performing before the noted conductor must have been one of your musical highlights or at the very least, a fond memory.

I have to admit that I didn't know who was Lee Marvin. So I searched for "Lee Marvin wandering star" on YouTube just now and listened to the song.

I personally feel it's pretty evocative and my interpretation is it's a sad song. Even before Lee started to sing, the music grabbed me in the gut as there was a sorrowful quality about it.

Wow, he has a very deep voice (& now I get your reference- thank you YouTube!) but I think that added to the sadness in the song. Deep tones can evoke so much sadness sometimes.

I'm impressed that you kept your Handel score after all these years. It must be very special to you.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

As Croix and Corny have said, you're in a transitional life stage. You're/we're evolving so naturally your thread- your metaphorical (online) baby- will evolve with you/us.

Hey, you're doing the best you can. As you know, considering your PTSD, it can be challenging to concentrate so please don't be too hard on yourself. In saying that, I realise it doesn't lessen your frustration that you have so much to say yet there's a brain-mouth disconnect or brain processing disruption at times.

I agree with Croix that maybe just play it by ear when it comes to posting here. Your title of the thread is "Getting to know you....or is that me?" and we would all like to get to know you. "You" isn't limited to only profound thoughts but it's also your daily routines, interests and other idiosyncrasies that make you the person that you are today.

I bet there are so many mixed emotions behind those tears- loss, relief, triumph, grief, fear, second chances, love, understanding and hope. Re-birth tears.

I'm glad you now accept and celebrate your own greatness. It's beautiful to see your self-esteem gradually mending itself. Thank you, maybe one day I'll see myself in a different light but right now, I'm still figuring it (life) out.

I heard something online where a woman said "music saves lives." I couldn't agree more as it's the universal language. I'm glad you also found a home away from home in music when you were growing up.

Thank goodness for your Kids Club and Father Jones because sadly, yes, music tuition can be expensive. I agree that a note or piece- regardless of whether you're the composer or it was someone else- hits home, it can tease out a whole spectrum of emotions. That's the real power of music, right?

About your avatar, maybe the right one will come to you in good time. You'll know it when you see it. I'm still avatar-less but if I ever put one up, it would be have to be music related.

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Brainwave: I don't know your current financial situation but would you ever consider investing in a piano or even a keyboard? New, secondhand, whatever...

I only have a piano now because my parents let me take the upright because there was no way that I could have been able to afford a new one when I moved out!

There are piano and keyboard YouTube tutorials or you could borrow library books (or even get lessons). I'm only commenting because you seemed to get a real kick out of your piano days with Father Jones. Or maybe you could even try your hand at another experiment?

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

*correction: instrument (not "experiment")

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny, Sara and Croix,

I'll be out later tonight and have a big weekend with friends on Sat night and Sunday so there might be a delay in my responses. I'll be back Monday 😊

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie!

It wouldn't be out of place to say you've been on a roll when it comes to posting the last 24 hrs yeah? So generous of spirit and words. I've thoroughly enjoyed reading and smiling along with you. I agree, Croix has bought with him his kind and positive soul to liven up our days with encouragement and wonderful anecdotes. There has been a shift...

I thought deeply about your advice to bring a keyboard back into my life. I purchased one for my son yrs ago, and he attempted to learn a classical piece (sorry, can't remember the name) and was doing well until the hard bits. What is it with kids these days and instant gratification?! So anyway, he refused to touch it again so I took it to my mum's and she dabbled until she grew tired of it. It's still sitting in her linen cupboard.

I've decided to get it back and have been given a print-out of local tutors by a girl at our biggest music store; she was lovely. I touched the life-like keys of an electric keyboard that felt like that of a piano. I smiled with glee. But the cost swiftly took the smile off my face.

We also discussed the differing learning abilities of adults vs children. There are books to assist with this too. Thankyou so much for bringing music back to me!

Croix...re me being the person I am today due to my war-like history; this can only be said in hindsight my friend. Yes, I've said it myself. The reality is though, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I've had to grieve the woman I could've been as part of my therapy, it was a very painful exercise. I have acceptance and I have goals for my future. The past has been survived, so there's no more going back.

The fight in me has to stop! If I were to say the next 5 yrs of fighting would be worth it due to being a better person on the outset, I wouldn't cope. It's been more than enough...no more!

Anyway, my eyes are tired and I need to rest. Thankyou both for reading and contributing; more positive anecdotes...yes please!

Hugs...Sara xoxo