Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hey Corny! Welcome back lovely...

You'll be happy to know I have a date tomorrow night! She's around my age and approached me on a dating site you recommended. I did what you said and put my 'new' status in my intro. She's a kind and nature's 'Universal' soul. We have a little in common, but have only been corresponding for a few weeks, so our date will be mainly getting to know each other.

She's also left it up to me to initiate anything physical or intimate. That's nice, and especially sensitive. I'll let you know how I go. I couldn't have done it without you. 'Summertime Sadness' is one of my fave's. It hits a note with me and is a great song anyway.

My sweet Dottie;

Everything you wrote hit home and was on the money. You so get me. While sitting here over coffee and cigarettes, I pondered some more on Sarah Conner's life and associated characters in the movie. The patterns of my life are very similar; not just prior to, but post as well. It didn't trigger, but gave much needed insight into my motives and intent with 'searching' for 'love' so to speak.

What I got were unemotional 'robots' unable to 'connect' with me; that's Arnie all over. It has me thinking about mind connections and magnetism. The idiot box and movies have a powerful 'pull' when the mind is vulnerable and in pain.

I planted a seed...it grew and matured into something real and tangible albeit dysfunctional. This tree has taken 23 yrs to be recognised, fed with sadness and fear, its branches reached out across the Universe to find the man I craved thinking he would save me and my suffering son. I received exactly what I asked for...

It's now time to ask for something else...something functional and lasting...complementary. It's odd how my body doesn't reflect the youthful cravings and daring I carry inside. Getting older creates new feelings and situations, as well as the prospect of 'future'. I want my body to carry out these youthful ideals, but alas reality is heading South if you know what I mean. Ha ha..

So I'll leave you both with this thought...'This moment is real; not from a movie or stage play. I am who I am in this beautiful moment, a character of my own making becoming the 'woman' I always should've been. That power is mine and only mine'

I love you both dearly...

Sara xoxo

[Cornstarch]

Saraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh........ahhhhh......ahhhhh.....errr....Oink.....Woff......B'kerk!

I did not do a thing.

You did it all!!!

Even if nothing permanent becomes of it I am so incredibly stoked for you!

Living with these crazy mental health issues, our world shrinks, we start to believe that we have no options, we think that there is something intrinsically wrong with us that nobody would ever want and that we are essentially unlovable. It is so refreshing when we are reminded of how big the world is, and that there are great, interesting, curious, funny, warm, affectionate people out there to get to know and hang with.

What a mad, mad year it has been.

I swear to god everything went pear shaped from that April full moon onwards. An apocalypse of sorts (my shrink calls it the nervous break down I always had to have. Thanks pal, don't you hate it when they're right).

There was something real nasty mad in that April moon, I blame it and the 2 supers that followed. But now it appears it is all turning around. It's the Forest Fairy Dust I brought back with me from the ancient world.

Stuff 'Summertime Sadness' and in with Summerance I say.

I simply will not be able to sleep tomorrow night. You will have to funk out to some hot tunes before you go, or even now.

Crank it up Sista!

[Just Sara]

I couldn't let your post go CornSpirit without responding!

Sometimes we need to slip into the depths of our despair to know we're alive (April)...albeit zombiland eh! Those of us willing to do the work and bare our pain with courage, will come out fighting and born with a new sense of self.

You wrote:

'Living with these crazy mental health issues, our world shrinks, we start to believe that we have no options, we think that there is something intrinsically wrong with us that nobody would ever want and that we are essentially unlovable'

The power of your words never ceases to amaze me Corn-dog! I received a call from my ex a while ago and spoke for an hr. He was full of confidence and drive; traits I saw in him yrs ago, but he didn't know how to express them then. He thanked me for pushing him to accept his greatness and spoke with such passion and respect for me. He admitted his dishonesty and downfalls..it was all a little bit too much to take...

Your words above sent me back to this time when I felt unlovable and at fault for all his indiscretions. I grieved my loss, not of him, but for the futility of my self loathing at that time. Thankyou for being in my corner...

Sara xo

[Cornstarch]

Gosh Sara so 'the past' and 'moving forward' are very much colliding at the moment. You have someone that caused a lot of pain in the past somewhat apologising to you, and another unknown person showing interest and curiosity in the you that is December 2016 all these years later. That's called a crossroads girl, but you've moved on, you're not looking back, there's no choice as such to be made, just a remembering and thinking.

How exciting.

I thinks it's nice that your ex acknowledged his passion and respect for you. It's about time. But in terms of admitting his dishonesty and downfalls he's just being an adult. Sorry to be blunt but he doesn't deserve a medal for this. Us traumatised trinnies have this weird tendency to overstate everyone's else's suffering above and beyond our own. We become gushing and fawning if they begin to take some responsibility and if not careful can evangelise them. It's awesome he's done that, but that is called nothing more than growing up. Sorry.

You also see the same dynamic in co-dependent relationships where there is a domineering damsel in distress who controls the relationship, with a steady stayer. The steady stayer becomes gushing of the damsel's pain to an almost pitiful height. I feel like saying it ain't that bad sugar lips. We've all got hit by the nasty at some point in our lives, she's an adult, stop overstating her pain because the relationship has brought out a side of you that you're not proud of. Forgive yourself so at least you can begin to see clearly.

Enjoy the tunes Sara what ever you're blasting.

Remember new brain maps will be firing, so it will feel weird. You have to expect it to feel weird. There is comfort in the familiar but also suffering, because it leaves other options unexplored.

Good luck my little machine gun felatio, remember that band?

[Just Sara]

Your words are GOLD!!!

I still know what he's capable of...only if I allow it!

"The times...they are a changin'" ...Bob Dylan...Gold!

Woof...Oink!

[Just Sara]

btw...no apology necessary; you're right on the money sista!

[Cornstarch]

I know I am.

When we are on the brink of change we need someone who is firm but fair.

Otherwise you'd scuttle back to what is familiar and known out of fear of change or co-dependecy.

Was 'Unsent Letter', Machine Gun Felatio's song? Me thinks yes.

Ciao for now brown cow.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I'm on my way to work so this will be short (I'll check in later with a longer response some time this weekend).

All the best with your date tonight! I'm glad you were well advised by the dating guru (Corny).

Have fun tonight!

Stay amaze (and hope your date is amaze too)

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hi Corny and D-Girl;

CS; your words of GOLD held true re my date night. I'm embarrassed and very sad I'm afraid. PTSD has struck with a vengeance and holding back tears is difficult.

I met the most incredibly beautiful and intelligent woman, who held my gaze and wonder with humour, confidence and gentleness. When the time came for intimacy, her kind and patient words made me even more confused. Oh Corny I'm in trouble...

I'm so damaged and feel deeply unworthy of her. I haven't been here before; in the presence of such 'functional' level-headed compassion and wisdom. My normally over stimulated libido went MIA and was replaced by numb indifference. WT*!

Speaking of wanting to recede into previous co dependent thinking and behaviour! Walking away from her, seeing her face full of empathy and 'wanting', bought a paradox of relief and pain. I'm shell-shocked!

Damn! I have to go. I'll be back later to continue.

Luv ya!

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara (with my regards to Dottie123 & Cornstarch),

Firstly if I'm intruding in a thread you'd prefer I did not then I apologize and will not come here again. Just don't respond or else tell me to disappear (the Amazing Mumford says 'A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches' to get rid of things)

This is not a thread I usually scan. I saw you name in New Posts after I had just replied to your brief note of regrets in the 'Poor Concentration...' thread and looked in here as a result.

My reply to you there goes in spades with the following additions:

You are far to hard on yourself, you are as worthy as anyone can be. I and the others I've seen you interact with hold you in high esteem and respect your empathy, honesty, bravery and strength.

From my highly limited personal experience what goes MIA in that situation is not unusual and will return. If the circumstances are represent a change or are unfamiliar to you that may well have a bearing as well. I did find an informal get-together doing something practical rather that a formal 'date' scenario worked better for me -ymmv.

As I'm sure you know in your head if not your heart, any worthwhile relationship is only half up to you, the other person has to deal with the problems, be patient, understanding, protective & supportive too.

A measure of that person's wisdom, worth and affection will brobably be found in how she follows up having met you.

My apologies once again if I'm intruding - I'll now depart (A L P B S)

Croix