Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Girlfriday]

Hi Sara

It's me, the new one, Girlfriday. I just came over this and wanted to say that I've got kids, a son who is 20 and a daughter with bpd, mdd and gad who's 23. Kids can really say stuff that hurts you. Sometimes I found it's because they see us in so much pain and they can't fix it and they feel powerless, and so they try to protect themselves by pushing us away and saying 'get out of my face'. My daughter does this all the time to me. Then I worry that she's self harming. And then when I try to call her to check if she's ok, she tells me off and says she has her 'support group around her and she can handle it so get back'. That one laid me low. Telling me to get back. I gave birth to her and kept her alive and sat holding her hand through everything she's been through - and everything we've had to go through with her. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It totally sucks. Kids huh.

GF xxx

[Guest_322]

Beautiful hearted Sara,

I could literally feel the pain, confusion and loss leaping out of your post. I think your heart feels like it's bursting out of your chest because your son- even if it wasn't his intention- ripped out a huge chunk of it.

I mean, in so many ways, he was your life; your lifeline. You said so yourself that you lived for him for 26 years. You gave him your all; I bet you were/are an amazing mother even if he doesn't understand or appreciate you right now. What so many would give for a mother with your kind of love to offer, you've no idea.

Hey, post whenever you like. Loneliness hurts immensely (take it from someone who knows). Meds or no meds, just go for it with the words.

If anyone judges you for it- as Sparkvark once said- shame on them as that's on them and not you. You are an awesome piece of amazeballs (even if your son doesn't quite understand that right this minute or maybe he has his own pain so doesn't want to know yours).

What now? I honestly don't know...I mean, that's a really big question. Maybe as you said, part of it is a certain freedom. A double-edged, painful kind of freedom but freedom nonetheless. There's possibility...yes...pain, that too...

You are a beautiful person and beautiful mother. I know that no words can possibly undo your son's words and plans. But maybe you have a boomerang son...maybe he will come back when you least expect.

In the mean time, you have you, and as you said- with each painful step- you will walk, live and breathe.

And I'm here for you too, which is little consolidation but please know that.

Dottie xxxxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Here's a big, long virtual hug from me!

Dottie xxxxxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Happy birthday, Sara 🎈🎂🎁

You are amazeballs.

Dottie xxxxxxxx

[Cornstarch]

Happy Birthday Sara, I hope you do something nice for yourself today.

Re: your son. From a detached, pragmatic standpoint I just like to note. I may have my threads crossed but with my muddled memory I believe he has only recently moved out this year.

Now that Australia has one of the most expensive cities in the world, youngens living at home with their folks for as long as possible is for a lot of people a financial decision that they have little choice over.

Unless........! You make it happen regardless and bolt for the frigging door like I did at 18! If you wanna move out you'll find a way.

You'll drop out of university to focus on gaining financial autonomy from middle class parents that pull the rug out from underneath you with $$$$, because they can no longer control you now that you have fled except with the purse. Move further away again, thus creating a lovely land mass, moat between you and DV, giving him the bird while feeling sick that your Mum is still there.

What I'm saying is to be still living at home at 26 is late. But it is also testament to you.

I have a simple social experiment litmus test thingy and if people disclose to me that they still live at home, it gives some pretty obvious insight into their emotional upbringing, and if they were provided a deep reservoir to draw upon. Their relationship to money is also a good indication of if DV was happening at home too. As far as I am concerned people being able to access tertiary education, at the moment (Americanisation of our Uni's may still happen), has more to do with housing than it does the expense of university itself. Emotional wellness advantage, and nurturing privilege (lucky buggers!) is something that others can never compete with. They are strides ahead and will be set up for life in a myriad of ways.

Its a really important growth spurt that your son is going through. You will not live forever, he has to learn to navigate his inner life without you at some stage if you like it or not.

I promise you, he will look back at your time together with immense fondness, and when times are tough once you've passed, he will draw upon the wholesome reservoir you created for him. It is liquid gold Dizzy. If you'd wanted to, with your background, you could have been the mother from hell. But you weren't. Let him explore, and let yourself explore. He's just going through the emotions that come with independence. You should be proud of yourself. Cake and champagne for breakfast?

[Guest_322]

Yes, and that is why I'm always f****g broke, Corny. I feel you...sometimes you just gotta leave. And so I did.

Anyways, that's my little whinge of the day. Back to Sara and hugs to all.

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Cornstarch]

You're mental health is far more important Dots.

You've got strength to forge your own path, you'll have lots of interesting experiences and funny stories to tell, and even though some of your peers will be at a financial advantage for many years to come you will have some emotional advantages you never realised at the time will bear fruit.

What's really interesting, and something that I have noticed in other people, is that you will be far less prone to stay in miserable, black hole of no intimacy, unhappy partnerships with lovers because of real estate, wealth and financial reasons.

xx

[Just Sara]

Dearest Dottie and Corn-Cobber;

It's so nice to wake then come on here to find peep's I admire and adore wishing me happy birthday; thankyou. Coffee and cig's, swollen eyes, but love in my heart. I'm ok...

I've read your post's with a smile in my soul. Wanted to cry, but I've promised myself not to anymore.

I do have a sense of freedom I don't think I've experienced before...ever. I've always lived my life in some way for others. Loneliness can be more about emotional isolation than physical...you know?

My son has left the proverbial nest; well and truly. Corny, considering the situation with your mum, your words have helped me to hear from the other side of the coin. I don't have her illness, but I understand the similarities now. No child wants to see their mum in pain. I think the best thing for me to do is live my life with passion and purpose.

I may not have as much money to leave him when I do pass, but he'll get to see how vivacious and happy I can be...no money can provide this.

Will go now and finish my brew and lung-buster's. They've got to go too...

Love...Sara (Diz) xoxo

[Cornstarch]

He's just experiencing a really important growth spurt that's all. There aren't too many young people in Australia that do not exhibit frustration when leaving the nest. Growth comes with tension unfortunately. He'll never forget you, ever.

He's so lucky to have you, and to have a hearth to return to if everything hits the fan.

Are you into Tara Brach? She's gorgeous. The vipassana meditation tradition in the States isn't completely down with trauma, and the profound effects early child development have on nervous systems, but she is one of the ones that is the most down. Yo Yo Whass up.

Her Mum was an alcoholic and she had an eating disorder.

She has beautiful talks and meditations on her website that frame teachings in a very compassionate way to people that were raised with unmet needs. There are a lot of Buddhist hard liners out there that don't even acknowledge this as important and think that the mind is capable of anything. Ever walked through a ward of acquired brain injury patients! A little naive me thinks. We need a basic biological foundation to be able to access it.

Check her out, she's a sweetie.

[Wilma1]

Thanks for the virtual hug. Wishful