Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Wrote one post already, unsure if went through as the page timed out.

But to carry on anyway, with my 2nd ex partner from this year well, that's a complicated one. So many contradicting statements from her that make no sense. Coldness and a lack of contact from her hurts. Every slightly negative thing breaks my heart again every time. She has such power over me.

And like my name, I'm like a sad puppy dog. Part of me holds her up on this pedestal while also acknowledging and sometimes calling her out on her flaws...which actually, nothing is enough to be a dealbreaker for me. I want her back and would have her in my arms again in a heartbeat, even despite the frustrations and pain she has caused me, messing me around and confusing me and the nonsense she has spouted. Perhaps that makes me a fool but unlike my first ex partner I guess, I can't bring myself to hate her or express that same level of rage.

Call it pathetic or call it totally reasonable, it's how I feel. I still want her because like what you said...it was heaven on earth. She and I were at the time such a perfect fit and then it was gone. She said that I was everything she ever wanted and she was all I wanted and to have that for 5 min and then have it taken away, I just don't know how to handle it.

[Guest_0087]

Excuse my innocence here, but that sounds way to familiar to be bordering on almost creepily familiar.

The coldness and the lack of contact from my ex hurts way too much too. Nothing about her is a deal breaker for me, despite the fact that some things should be, or probably would have been from someone else. I really can't hate her and the more I try to forget about her, the harder it is.

What I did, which I don't know if it will help, but it is worth a try, get rid of all those memories. If there is a song that reminds you of her, delete it. Get rid of anything that you have that is hers, or anything that is some connection to the time you spent. For me I had to get rid of some music, a book she bought me, a couple gifts she gave, some things we got from times we went out, and all the photos on my phone of her, her puppies, or times we spent together. I have not been to places we usually used to go to or watched any tv shows that we watched (which is damn hard because I love Bobs Burgers).

Getting rid of a lot of it has helped to an extent, but like I say, I still think about her daily and often that is not from me trying to think about her, but it just happens. So I try to just kind of accept the thought in that moment and move on from it. There are many trigger points and when it comes to matters of the heart, it is excruciating.

I've also kind of accepted that she will always have that one part of my heart and there is nothing I can do about that.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think it's good that there is some anger, I think that is another stage of healing, it starts out with sadness and then slowly turns into anger as you can't believe someone would hurt you that way you have been hurt, I think you are on the right track to getting "over" her and moving on. It will still keep hurting and that is ok. I am glad you are relating to some music as well, it doesn't matter how sad the song is, if you relate to it and that allows you sub consciously know you are not alone in the battle and others have been through it and got through it as well. I know it can be hard to sometimes see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there, sometimes you just need to turn the corner and you'll see it again. You are doing great.

I was off when using the driver last time, I actually kept swapping between two different ones and the cheaper one I was hitting better with, go figure.

By the way, I love Bobs Burger's too. I understand how you can't watch stuff that reminds you of her however.

Much on for this week?

My best,

Jay

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Some items from the 1st breakup, I did get rid of. Some are stored away. Others are highly visible around my house and don't seem to carry much emotional weight to affect me a lot. I seem to be able to disassociate them from her pretty well. I have been around many places in my city with her and going back to those places mostly do not bother me, except the suburb that we last lived in together. I haven't been back there since moving out in Dec and haven't had a reason to go back yet either. Plus, the big decision that I took to remove her from Facebook has reduced her presence immensely and resisted the temptation to check up on her profile.

But ex 2, the short but perfect relationship, I can't remove her or limit her from FB regardless of the apparent benefits. I know that seeing her posts affect me and make me feel bad but I don't feel I can distance her in that way. I just can't.

I don't have many physical items from her, more like extensive online chats. The triggers though of places I was with her, that tears me up. I have roads and places I have to avoid because they make me think of her or the "danger" is that I may run into her and not know what to do or be emotionally prepared. I worry a little that that is a bit pathetic and that I let her dictate where I go (And she's probably oblivious) but I also think it's very understandable. Sad, but understandable.

To add to how you feel about the TV shows and movies you watched together, that is a really interesting observation. I watched some of my most favourite films with her that mean a lot to me. Thankfully I don;t find them "ruined" because of an extra association to her, however, I am a little conscious of the link now that might always be there. Being a film maker who is crazy about film and TV...as an example, it starts to make me feel very self conscious about relationships in the future, whether it's a reunion for this woman and I or maybe somebody new...

I so badly want to take the woman to places I like and watch these films, etc but if something goes wrong, (In the early days and excitement you're not thinking about that much obviously) then that place/film, etc COULD be "tainted" forever. So you have to carefully choose these things and maybe wait till a time that is right to forge that link with her and the places and things you treasure.

Call it overthinking if you want, because that's what I do. But I think it is also pretty relevant.

[Guest_0087]

@Jay

Yeah, that anger is quite good. I think I am not trying to fight most of these emotions a lot and just dealing with them. It is hard and hurts a lot of the time, but I think that is symptomatic of feeling helpless. You don't really fight much and you just deal with it. Probably a blessing in disguise. I have not been to the range since last time so no idea how off my swing is. It felt a little weird when I was practicing at home though.

Not much on. Work basically all week. Then come home and just sit in my room and try to stay busy. How about you?

@SPD

I have not removed her from any social media. I did unfollow her on facebook so i do not see her statuses and updates or anything relating to her, but it still shows we are friends. The good thing is she does not post too much, but the other day she put something on Snapchat and I clicked on it and lo and behold, it made me just want to scream.

It's not pathetic. It's a natural reaction. Do not worry, I overthink things too. The thing is, when you find someone you care about so much, you want to share everything with them, especially the things you love. The movies and the tv shows, the music, all of it, you want to share it with them because there is no one else you would rather. Unfortunately, if you place that attachment to it, that is where the problem comes from if things do not work out. But that is natural. You find someone you care about so much that you do these things for them and unfortunately it hurts so much when things do not work out, that you sometimes wish you never met them in the first place. Getting over someone you care about so much is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Especially when they are so oblivious to the pain they have caused. Fortunately for me, she moved to the Sunshine Coast so I can't run in to her that often, but she lives on in my memory and my heart, and that is the hardest part of it all. I know all the good things about her and what it felt like to hold her close and have her lying next to me. You will feel those same things too, but you have to also have to make the effort to move past it, because if you do not, then you will be stuck in a void that she will always have control over. I know it is hard, and trust me when I say that she will always somehow have a piece of your heart, but you have to try.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think what you are doing is 100% correct, not fighting back your emotions, if you want to be sad, then be sad, if you want to be angry, then be angry, let it all out, holding on will just hold you back for future relationships. I honestly think you have already come so far since you first told your story and are doing a lot better than others I have seen go through similar sorts of break ups.

My week is much of same as yours, just work, work and more work. Not much fun stuff.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Thanks for that Jay. Means a lot that not only are you supportive, but that you have been here the whole time. I really did miss her a lot today and I know that that is going to be an ongoing recurrence. It sucks a lot. Especially when all the other things pile on. Came home today and my mum was not very receptive when I was trying to talk to her and explain what I was going through. She played down everything and then could not understand how I could be so hurt over breakup. Made me feel quite small about everything. Just keep falling back in to this void.

Not so fun when all you have to do is work. I hope that my moving stores is going help. So far it has been ok. One of the girls at my new store has some awesome taste in music so it's awesome when she is working because I get to hear some really nice songs.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

No worries at all, that is what these forums are for. Just a place for you to vent and if I can help just by hearing what you are saying and give advice where I can then it's working. Sorry your mum wasn't very receptive to your feelings. It's good you tried to talk to her about it and maybe it is worth give it another go another day and explain how much all this has hurt you.

That's cool that you get to hear some cool music, always nice when you share the same taste in music with someone. Great way to connect with someone.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Thanks mate. I do try to talk to her and I know she is probably hurting from what she is seeing me go through, but she just keeps responding in the wrong way, even when I have spoken to her and explained to her. She just try too hard sometimes. I was really missing my ex yesterday especially because I watched Angry Birds movie and it was exactly the type of movie she would have laughed and I could hear her giggle the whole time. Then when my mom reacted so flippantly to the heartbreak of it, it really did not help.

Yeah it is. It makes work nice when there is some good music playing and you have someone to enjoy it with. I hope this job move pays off. I really do. But am also counting down till my holiday. Looking forward to that, but also thinking it is a bit too short of a time I am going for now, and I literally have to be back at work for a week straight after I return from my 20 hour trip.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

It is very possible that she can't stand to see you hurt and that is most likely of course as no mum would want their son or daughter in pain and isn't 100% sure how to respond about it. Is there anyone else you talk to about it? It's ok to miss your ex at points as well, all part of the healing process.

I hope the work move pays off for you as well. You seem to be enjoying it so that is a good positive. I am nto sure if you have said it, but where are you going for your holiday?

My best,

Jay