Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again
I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....
I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.
Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.
I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....
But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.
My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.
And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.
I am of a similar tone too - wondering how you are Quercus - indeed how you quirkywords and Croix are both?
I can imagine that who we were when we first started on this thread together whenever that was - we must all be different and yet the same in other ways too right?
Sending my best to you all
Hello everyone. Thank you Mitch, Quirky and Croix for checking in on me.
Life here has been very difficult for a while now and I'm struggling not to isolate yet again. Full hermit mode here I'm afraid.
My family is doing OK despite a lot of drama. It truly feels as though my life has been something of a soap opera, it's so unreal. My Dad is doing amazingly well and then Nan passed away. Mum found out she has very advanced lung cancer and at first the docs said palative care only but she's defying all odds. Then Hubby's parents split up and his Mum tried to get all of us to hate his Dad by accusing him (very falsely) of grooming my daughter. My husband was an absolute mess and we had his Dad on suicide watch for some time. I feel like I'm the glue holding everything together. It sounds and feels like it all has to be fake and My goodness I wish it all was.
I hope you are all doing well and would love to hear what's happening with you all if you have time. I like the distraction so much and do care about you all.
Anyway I've got to go to work now but I hope to talk soon. Xox
Hi Quercus and all reading,
I am so very sorry to read of all the events that have been happening for you and your families. Goodness me that is a lot to juggle. I hope you are able to find some time for yourself in all of this to recharge, relax and try to unload.
This thread is a good place for you to express yourself, seek comfort, reassurance to be validated and acknowledged if you choose to do that.
As for me, my work hours have been reduced so I am applying for a volunteer position in another town. I try to go for a walk every day, would like to get to the beach more often, and try to keep the feral garden of ours under some kind of control.
I try to keep myself busy even if it is just reading books. Too much free time does my head in sometimes. I've been crocheting blankets and giving them to family and friends. I'm thinking of joining a craft group that make things, sells them and the money goes out to community groups.
It is really lovely to see you here! Thinking of you and sending you thoughts of peace and comfort, regards from Dools
Quercus and everyone,
how great to see your name and what a great surprise.
It does sound like a soap opera but truth is stranger than fiction.
I am sorry you have had to cope with so many sad events.
My life is not that interesting just trying to cope with post covid tiredness.
Hi there Quercus
I do recall the last time I read something from you was a few years ago I think. I distinctly recall being on a tram in Adelaide on my way to Glenelg beach. How time has gone since then hey?
I recall you mentioning your dad was ill and I am glad to hear he got better, but I am simultaneously saddened by the passing of your mum - sorry to hear this. I do hope you are able to find some solace from what sounds like a very tumultuous time with regards to your husband's parents split.
When you say that - about feeling like you are the glue between people then I am hearing you. Sometimes we don't realise how people may be looking to us as a pillar of strength and/or wisdom in a storm that is blowing around us. All along, we've been managing on the outside well enough for others to see us a a pillar of strength but inside it could well be a storm of our own too that we are dealing with.
My best to you and it is good to hear from you - even if the times are tough for you
See you around