Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Oh SL,

You are too kind :-). You know you inspire me. Making the big move that you did, taking a chance to improve your life.

I have rearranged my family room today. Have been wanting to for a while so i just did it. I ti k i like it too. It is a grey, rainy day here today but still hot and humid. I'm enjoying the rain, good excuse to stay in and potter around the house.

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

Just dropping by to ask which Haworthia? I love the Zebra stripe one. Had one in a metalic grey pot for years... Beautiful.

This one is worth hunting down...
Euphorbia flanaganii - Medusa's Head

It's my favourite. So weird but gets covered in little yellow flowers. Good to see you self caring and trying again.

❤ Nat

[CMF]

Of dear, it didn't last long. I can feel my anxiety returning and I just want to get out. It's my son, I can't deal with him. He comes out of his room every 10 mins looking for food and complains there is no food in the house. We had dinner, there is plenty left over schnitzel, honey soy chicken wings, sweet potato on the fridge. I have fruit, bread, tuna, cold meats, cheese, tuna cracker biscuits, dips, chips, frozen pizza. I just don't know what he wants from me or what he expects at 10pm. Every 10 mins in and out, opening cupboards, looking in the fridge. It is the same thing every single day. He never eats breakfast, sometimes no lunch nd is always having a go At me for not having food. I bought cantaloupe, he wants watermelon, I bought yoghurt, he wants a different one, I bought tomato sauce, he wants a 'real' brand. He also kept telling me I bought the wrong book for English. Told him I purchased what was on the book list, he kept saying I need the actual book, told him I bought was was listed on the book list. I have no idea what he is on about. Last night he got home from his part time job, ate a meal he bought from there and threw up. Today he called in sick but went to his girlfriends. He messaged me to say he felt sick but didn't want to come home. He came home hungry, didn't eat all day as he had some anxiety which we discussed in text messages. Had pasta when he got home, schnitzel for dinnerHe is always in his room on his computer, only comes out to look for food. I don't know what he wants from me. Nothing I do is good enough.

i am still in pain. The pain I had in my thigh has also spread to my hip and lower back. It feels like sunburn to touch. It is constant pain, hurts to walk, hurts to touch so much and is getting me down. Even my clothes aggravate it. I wake up in pain. I can't walk properly and to have him complaining on top of this is too much. I just want to get out again, not as bad as Friday but my good feeling has gone. I feel like a doormat. Do all the men in my life have to walk all over me? told him to live with his dad if he's not happy here, he's says he wants to but can't cos of school, more like his dad is too busy with his own life, going back and forth interstate for his GF. He's forgotten 4 moths ago he begged me not to have to go there then his dad kicked him out, didn't wNt him moving schools, said he wasn't welcome there. They are reconciling, I'm glad but he has a short memory.

[CMF]

Oh I want the pain to stop 😞

[CMF]

Is it wrong of me to wish something was seriously wrong to cause this pain in my hip and thigh? Is it wrong to see this as an escape? Today I can barely walk, can't put much pressure on my right side. It is worse every day.

[velvetfaerie]

Have you had it assessed/imaged? Does it follow your cycle?

HI !!!!!!!!

Escape? I understand. And the method? i understand that too.

I think everyone is frazzled etc at the moment. That time of the year.

BLEH!

V.

[Just Sara]

Dear Comfy;

I don't visit here too often; I'm sorry about that. I see you're fighting some battles and wanted you to know I'm hearing you and want to support in any way I can.

Do you have any information that gives an idea of what's going on with this pain? Is it arthritis or an injury? Maybe you pushed too hard rearranging your room.

I guess that's minimal help considering you're probably ripping your hair out. I know and understand how pain can push us to our limits mentally and emotionally.

Please just know I'm here if you need me ok. You're there for all of us when we're in distress; you deserve a quality life. I'm so sorry to read of your situation.

Warm gentle hugs;

Sez xo

[CMF]

Dear Velvz and Sez,

Thank you for understanding. I know that you know where i am coming from. Sez, no need to apologise, you have enough on your plate. I have stepped back a bit from the forums last couple of months. Velvz, yes it has been a bit unsettled here but you're right, that time of year. I read some astrology thing that mentioned it is a period of unrest, wish it would hurry up and pass.

One of my posts has not appeared, maybe i did not post it properly. It was a long one too so i am hoping it is just held up as it explains some issues i am having with my son also :-(.

I have made a dr appt for tomorrow. Dr google suggests it could be a nerve problem, fibro, arthritis and a few other things lol. I also have pins and needles in my arm today. I woke up with it last Monday, just getting worse and spreading every day. I was totally fine before that, hadn't done any lifting or stretching or anything unusual.

It's wearing my down and the kids don't get it. I'm at my wits end. I'm tired,just want to break down and cry.

[CMF]

On Thursday i need 'him' to look after little miss as i have something on at my older daughters school. I had already told him about it but the attitude today. He said yes just remind. I asked when he wanted the reminder, that i was ringing to remind him and he said' well if you don't want to remind me then don't, if i forget too bad'. I pointed out again that i was reminding him so he would do a late finish at work i then asked when did he want the reminder? On Wednesday? He Said he wants to take the little one to the beach 'wednesday, told him i will not be going and told him about the pain i am in. Well he said now i've learnt not to leave things blah blah blah then went on about how dr's are useless but he knows the best one and they will stuff me around and on and on. We saw him saturday, he was fine, don't know why he was such a pr*** today. He didn't offer any help knowing i am not feeling well either although he did say he would have picked up little miss if i wanted to go to dr today but too late for that now.

He is like Jeckyl and Hyde.

Had enough.

[CMF]

I feel battered and bruised in every way, feel like I'm a punching bag.