Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Scared  

Welcome. It looks like you've read my opening post which was about 7 years ago. Alot has happened since then & I'm on a much better place.  I do appreciate your thoughts.

Cmf

[CMF]

I stared to feel a bit down today & then angry but I let it go. I just need to remember all the things that used to upset me.  I'm also getting annoyed about the contact from him as I just don't get it? 

[CMF]

So typical of him to sit back waiting for me to contact him now, like he always did. The day we broke up he sat in the park waiting for me to go back, even though when he left he saw me sitting on my front verandah.  Now he's called, left no message, no text to tell me why he called then a random text next day cos my daughter was on the news. He's thrown out the line waiting for me to take the bait. Will he's wrong. He can sit there, wait & wonder.

[randomxx]

Hi there cm.

Well that was a weird one him doing that , sort of. l'm sorta feeling it was just bc you saw the sis thing though tbh. ldk, maybe hoping you were both at least still on hello terms too or something maybe nothing more much in it. Thinking he still knows he wanted he's options for a reason.

[CMF]

Don't really care. He can have his options. Not sure why he needed to contact ne then. Had a card reading. Said he's shocked I didn't answer his call & that i cut him off. He posdibly ecplored other options ie went out vut realised grass is not greener. She said he thinks i cut him off out of anger & now things have cooled off he thinks we can be friends. She said I can read him like a book & if I did meet for coffee I won't tolerate his bs. Said he'll find himself lonley this spring/summer but I will be swamped by men as I'm open to connecting with people now. Not necessarily for a relationship but just open to meeting/talking to people. She said he'll be shocked by my transformation & will think I'm seeing other guys. She said for him to have anything with me he needs to make major changes. I don't really care. The thought of him does not interest me in the slightest. I hope he keeps trying to contact me as she said he'll try again. I want him to so I can show I have no interest.

[CMF]

I'll never forget the time he looked at me & said "isn't it nice to be wanted".

Yeah, I have no need to catch up with him but I do hope he tries again.

[CMF]

A few times I felt sis copy something I did. She has curly hair which she always straightens. I wonder if, after seeing me, she is leaving her hair natural? It would be hilarious 😂 

[quirkywords]

Cmf

why do you hope he tries again, just curious.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky, 

I love your question as it is thought provoking & a question I have asked myself. I will be very honest ...

Part of me wants to feel he has some remorse for his actions & misses or still thinks of me. Part of me wants to show him again I don't want anything to do with him, that I meant what I said when I put a stop to it. I want him to see that I don't idolise him like he thinks I do & thst I won't go running back.  I want him to see I really do not care about him or what he is doing. I want him to see how happy & confident I am without him & I hope he finds himself lonley now he can't take me for granted anymore. I hope it makes him question himself & makes him check his ego.

[CMF]

Omg the weather is awful. Today was cold & wet. The rain was on and off all day. I feel awful.  Feel miserable, cold, tired & a little unsettled.  I hate this weather & want to crawl under a rock.