Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

randomxx

But he couldn't give her the bike and then just take it back anyway could he surely, l'd tell him to lump it if that was the case.

10 yr plan eh , now that's something l could work with.There's been two incredible women since divorce but both times it's been so much pressure but both times have aslo been very weird and abnormal situations to so not saying it was all their fault it's just how it's gone though. But bloody hell if one was happy with some 10yr thing now that l could've worked with.

Spose many would move in anyway and have the what do they call it, blended family- ever think of just going that way ?

wEird about that sis thing but eh now she has bf, wonder what's happening there.

CMF

M was talking about moving in together with the kids within the first year. That changed once sis got in there & took over. The 10 year plan is now down to 7 years if we were still in that relationship.

Sis & bf still together. I reckon they're both too scared to make the next move. He sees she's dominant but apparently puts her in her place nicely. She would have to leave M. They don't live close by & both live near their workplaces. He does shift work so makes sense to live near work & goes away fishing/hunting some weekends so she'd be alone a bit. If she moved out his way she'd be alone a bit & not near her family. He also has a house big enough to keep all boat & big car etc. He is also close to his family. So I see it as tricky. Maybe why he still lives at his & she still lives with M. She's now 44. Seriously, wouldn't you wanna be living with your partner, not your brother & his kids? They don't seem ready for the bigger commitment. Lucky she doesn't have a brother who controls her. M couldn't give 2 hoots & minds his own business. Unlike her.

Oh yeah. Her ears pricked up when I said the 20 year plan could be less. She wouldn't wanna get pushed out & have me move in on her main man.

randomxx

Oh bloody hell , no wonder you've had so much grief with that woman, not that it's any wonder at all anyone would've. But the situation,man what a pain.

But yeah although l spose it feels like a lifetime but really they haven't been together that long l suppose. Although obviously neither of them are in any hurry either for their own reasons to unfortunately. Get the feeling he'd need one helluva nudge to give up he's set up now to.

And her, gawddd, how could living with you damn brother be better than a real life real relationship, beyond me, no answers to that one.

What do have to do to meet the right woman though but that's also just happy to roll along for yrs on end. And where the hell was she hiding when l was single.

CMF

How's this. When we were together I started doing Easter dinner at my place so I could have his and my family over. His boys would spend lunch with their Mum & he and sis would have lunch with their Mum. I did nothing for lunch. Not once did he invite me to have lunch with them. Well he did during lockdown cos we couldn't get together with my family. I declined cos you were not allowed to have gatherings. I stayed home alone. He didn't even come over to see me & I told him that. Anyway all the other Easters he never asked me to join them for lunch until last year. Last year sis went away with her bf so it was just him & his mum. His mum wasn't coming to mine for dinner as she had lost her mother earlier thst year & was in mourning. So the year his sis goes away I get invited to lunch. Maybe it was his mum's idea as I wasn't coming for dinner but regardless, he had sis so didn't think about me being alone for lunch.

CMF

Giving us that bike for little miss to use seems to be to keep us connected. It's still his bike. If he wanted to meet someone else why would he do that? I feel a bit like he's happy for me not to meet anyone even though he initially said I should open my heart again. Obviously if he meets someone he's not gonna be on touch with me so he'd need the bike back. I know he's not looking for anyone. Things are good now & who could get involved with him while he's got sis hanging around. A girl wants a man that wants to be with her not his sis. He wanted to be with me at first until I started telling him sis needed to but out. The minute I saw he wouldn't do anything about it I put a wall up & shut down a bit.

randomxx

Too weird for me absolutely no idea, you should've been priority well as you know, or at least on par with the mum but def' some special time with you.

l dunno , and your left to fend for yourself, beyond me. She'd be mad at me.

If he's still sneaking about what about this one now has he made any plans for you two ?

randomxx

Gees he must be tight if he'd give a young girl a bike and take it back , Jezuz.

I also don't get wth he'd need to pussy foot about with bikes just to stay connected wth wouldn't he just spit it out and tell you , make sure and get you two back together properly.

Weird he said that, she said something like that to me too , l'm better of with someone else even said women love me l could easily get someone new that's not all broken like she thinks she is.

l just dk how to take that stuff. l sure didn't tell her she could easily meet someone else last thing l'd want right now yet.

Makes me think she must be out of love for sure.

CMF

Hw doesn't want to get back together. Neither do I. Not with sis around. He knows if we got back together he'd have to lift his game. Alot. No more holidays with sis. Make an effort to spend more time with me. Make me the priority not her. I don't want a that now though. Can't be bothered. If I ever feel lonley I remind myself I was lomley with him.

As for the bike. Well we know he does things without thinking. Like getting sis own half his house, move in and take over. He doesn't think long term about decisions. His ex wife cheated when they started dating. He still married her.

quirkywords

CMF

wow what a tangle web. You seem happy withe casualness now but can see Ms flaws and the wash sis controls him.
Yiu are happy now but w happens when you want more.

CMF

I don't think I'll ever want more with him. As much as he has good qualities he's too shallow for me. He can't understand other people don't have it as easy as him & I don't trust him. He's emotionally unavailable and he admits it. He's always gonna feel indebted to his sister. He does things cos he needs to be liked.