Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Son just messaged me. He needs the calculator too.

Far out.

[velvetfaerie]

All at once is never fun 😞

Has the calculator been sorted? Are you less frazzled?

Cuppa tea FTW !

V.

[CMF]

No, found one on gumtree, did a 2 hour round trip to opick it up. It was an ex student from my daughters school. Got home to find it is an outdated one. Majorly peeved at the moment as i think she knew because she has other sisters at the school. It is definitely no good for my son so we had a huge argument and he barricaded his door. He is very stressed as he has lots of homework. I am so peeved. His cousin is a high school maths teacher and told him not to buy the calculator, that he could used his old scientific one. Obviously he was wrong, the new one is a graphics one with a touch screen. He is now behind on his work and i dont have $100's for a new one. My ex husband pays half my daughters school things and i have told him but no response as yet. I have emailed both schools and explained and told them i simply cannot fork out $450 for 2 calculators.

I am really not happy at all. We pay enough in school fees. It is ridiculous in my eyes.

[velvetfaerie]

That’s an obscene amount of money. And to have been misled by someone too regarding the second hand one that stinks.

School work stress is not fun. I hope he’s ok?

I hope ex husband can help out. I’m crossing fingers for you.

Besides that, doesn’t the school have any ways to help ?

( I’m very naive about schooling kids.)

[CMF]

OMG, all i have copped is yelling from both teenagers re this stupid calculator. I'm so done. My son's teacher said he spoke with her today. He didn't tell me this. She said he can use his current calculator and they will support him but the proper one would be better. The one i bought today has less functions but could be used. I'm thinking it will be sufficient for my daughter but she is too embarrassed to use it. My son's teacher can hook us up with ex yr 12 students looking to sell theirs and he can borrow the library one till we get one. He always makes it worse than it actually is and his stress is more about not understanding how to use it more than about not having one i think.

My daughters teacher has not responded yet. When i google the calculator she needs i get the one i bought. It seems to be like comparing and iphone 5 with an iphone 6. The one i bought is suitable for year 11/12, she is year 9. Her dad did give me 1/2 but i will still need to put in $200 if i need to get 2.

My son is now playing computer games and seems to be fine now. I am seriously ready to pack up and leave. If i wasn't in my pj's I would have walked out on them.

[CMF]

I'm so done with these teenagers who think the world owes them something. If little miss wasn't asleep I'd put her in the car and I'd be out of here. I'm done. The RE agent and I have a joke that one day I'm just going to ring him and tell him to put the house on he market. Well that day is getting closer. I'm gonna sell and rent and if the kids don't like it they can live with their dad. Plenty of people rent. One of my daughters friend has 5 siblings. They rent, they share bedrooms, they moved recently because the landlords wanted the house back. Another one we know has several siblings and none of them have a mobile phone. My kids have everything and complain cos I won't buy them labels or top,of the range. If they want labels they can save and buy them. I'll buy basics but not labels. I drove for 2 hours today, used the last of my weekly budget for a stupid calculator that neither of them will take to school and try. Well stuff that. They can eat Bread and butter till next week and they can borrow a calculator from school.

[velvetfaerie]

The generation of entitlement. 🤦🏻‍♀️

**hugs***

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

I have got nothing useful to say but just wanted you to know I care.

I'm not looking forward to the high school years. In your shoes I'd probably end up smashing the calculator with a brick and calling it "therapy". But I do have a tendency to overreact.

Head up super Mum. You're doing ok.

❤ Nat

[velvetfaerie]

HAHAH that's exactly how I would react too Nat !

😄

V.

[CMF]

Haha, yes well I did want to pick it up and smash it but thought I should hold off until I was certain id my daughter could use it or not and guess what? As i explained to my daughter it is sufficient. The only difference is that it does not have colored graphics. In fact her teacher uses the same one so there is no problem. I found one for my son on gumtree, brand new, and made an offer. They accepted so I have saved a bit there also and will hopefully pick up tomorrow. Basically i managed to get two for about the price of one. I was selling something on gumtree and had an offer on it so I said yes to that too. I dropped off 2 more resumes today and did a bit more running around. I am tired. Tired of being the punching bag, tired of being yelled at, tired of trying to get everything together for everyone. Little miss would not get in the car today for school,had to chase her around the front yard. She eventually go in and although we had intermittent tears she lined up and walked into her classroom tear free. Hopefully she has had a good day.

I'm hoping everyone comes ho,e in a better mood cos i am too tired.

Thanks for your support guys

cmf x