Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hello lovely people,

I'm not sure how little miss will go. Now that she's been home with me over these holidays she's gotten used to it. I'm sure she will settle in. She's been asking what she will do at school and I've reminded her of her kinder friends who will be there.

im feeling a bit better after he fb thing. Something in the news feed caught my attention and I read people's comments. Someone made made a comment I could relate to but someone else replied and their reply triggered me. I'm going to try not to scroll through the news feeds or maybe just not use it as much. Always a good feeling when I stay off it. I've been posting about the tennis of late and having a bit of fun with it.

applied for some more jobs today, just general applications in case something comes up. Some places will only take online expressions of interest. Next week I'll print my resume and drop it off where I can. I've asked friends to keep an eye out for me in their workplAces too and have a list of where I want to apply. If I get something I then have to work out school holidays. There is a holiday program at school but I would like little miss to get a break. Older daughter said she could look after her but now said after these holidays she doesn't want to. Anyway, cross that bridge when I come to it. It's hard when you don't have anyone you can rely on. Teenage son said he can't be bothered with year 11. Not going to drop out but said if he had something to focus on he would drop out. Asked what he would want to 'focus on' and he said making YouTube videos. Oh mam, he is really getting on my nerves lately. He better pull his finger out cos I'm gonna lose it soon.

[CMF]

Hi all,

i did reply but it hasn't appeared as yet. I do hope I hit he post button lol.

Thank you for your good wishes, much appreciated.

cmf x

[CMF]

Little miss starts school in 3 days. I was feeling positive, happy, looking forward to going back to work, trying to move forward in my life but what if I can't find a job? I'm feeling anxious again, so much responsibility on me. What if I can't do it? What if I can't find anything? What about school holidays? Who will look after her.? It's all too much again. Why? I was feeling good about it all. Now it's just overwhelming again.

[CMF]

My anxiety is rising, I'm feeling panicky. Don't know if i can do it. Just want to run away.

[CMF]

Our internet was down for a few minutes so my son came out of his room and was fiddling with the modem. Turning it on and off unplugging, plugging it back in. I told him to take it easy as he would break it then we'd really have no internet as I would not be forking out for another one. He asked how he'd do his homework, I told him he'd have to go to the library. This was the best but, He said to me that I just didn't want to pay more bills cos I can't get a job. I'm gutted. What a thoughtless thing to say, just like his dad. I can't believe how alike they are. Tomorrow I'm hoping to take the girls to the pool. At 4pm he wNts a lift to his gf's house and then pick up at 7pm. I'm thinking I won't come home to take him there. Let him work it out. I drop everything to be his taxi driver and that's how he speaks to me. I feel like packing up and leaving. Im Sitting outside cos it's so hit and I'm ready to explode at him. Ungrateful so and so. On top of that comment he walked off and slammed his door on me.

i just can't do it anymore.

[CMF]

Like my anxiety wasn't enough. I have to cop comments like that.

[blondguy]

That was a rough thing to say CMF...unacceptable

[CMF]

Hey Paul,

yeah, have a knot in my stomach. I just starting to apply as little muss starts school this week. I feel like a failure before I even start. Goes to show what he really thinks of me after everything I've done for him. I should just sell the house and be done with it. I've stayed here for the kids and that's what I get. I have no one to rely on. Maybe he's rights, maybe I won't be able to get a job. I just want to get over this anxiety wave so I can refocus. I was in a good place, making the most of the holidays. Now I'm defeated before I begin. It hurts.

cmf x

[CMF]

I was feeling confident about what I could do, about the future, now I've lost it. Not because of his comment, but his comment added to it. It's awful to know what he really thinks of me.

[CMF]

I can't really deal with much more. Older daughter said she didn't need certain things for school but has now decided she wants them. Son always complaining and making negative comments towards me. I bought food for dinner, now he tells me he is going out. Wanted me to go get him so,something for lunch saying nothing to eat in the house, i said no as i was doing other things. says he has been telling me for 6 years there is no food in the house (yesterday it was 4 years) and that i always buy the same thing yet he cannot tell me specifically what he wants. The6are ortgamisng their school things at th last minute, they have had 6 weeks so not if anything is missing i have to do last minute running around. I can't take it anymore. I'm getting anxious, tired of struggling and be the one to do everything. their dad has no idea what is involved in getting them ready for the school year. I am so tired, no sleep last night as it was so hot. Our air con doesn't work well when i is extreme heat so we were sweltering and it is so humid today an kids have been having a go at me about it. i feel under so much pressure, me head wants to explode. Everywhere I go i ask if they are looking for part timers, i am handing my resume in when all the kids are at school. I'm so tired of life, of this house, of everything.