Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[randomxx]

That sort of thing crossed my mind with gf to and her on offs. She could also be pretty sure l wouldn't be running off with someone else. Or unlike a lot of men, women to for that matter, l wouldn't go finding someone else to fill in the gaps on the side. Often thought maybe if l was that way she'd be a bit more damn careful about flicking on and off anytime it hit her.

l even tested her on some of that , mentioned the odd interest here or there or she'd see it anyway when we'd go places ha, her reply - l wouldn't blame you baby.

So much for that.

[CMF]

Oh wow.  That last comment would have you wondering hey. Yeah, taking advantage of knowing someone isn't looking elsewhere is not nice. Then again, M did say he read & re read my message about where we stand so this tells me he wasn't sure. Or maybe he did know how to tell me? I wasnt gonna waste another Sunday listening to his bs. I got up to do my exercise bike this morning & decided to put music on as my son wasn't home. I usually try to he quiet cos kids are asleep. Omg, what a difference.  I worked harder & for longer.  Little miss & I kept it going while we got ready. Talk about lifting the mood. Song that just came on - This girl is on fire! Next song, if I ain't got you. Universe is sending me some signs!

[randomxx]

Yeah l mean what do l even do with that, yaknow.

One step further and actually do it, probably get same reply. Her people are weird like that it's very common for the men to have someone else on the side .

On your thing though yeah exercise or starting something new or just doing things or life - when you feel ready for it are huge pick me ups aren't they

My kayaking helped so much but next minute it was winter, ruined that one damn it.

[CMF]

Today it is 1 year since they left to go o/s. I read something what you are receiving and what you are offering are the same". It resonated as when I started to see the sis/M marriage unfolding I did start to shut down. M& I never grew as a couple & easy to see why. I told my card reader about all the people coming back into my life. She said she's not surprised & agreed it's a new chapter. I may need to donate the things he gave me. I have no purpose for them. I'm just hesitant & don't know why. I know I want nothing to do with him. 

[CMF]

Passed 2 cyclist going in opposite direction today. I was watching them & as they passed the 2nd one looked up & it looked like M. Haha I was looking right at them. 

[CMF]

If it was him I wonder if he realised it was me? He knows my hair is longer but I've left it natural so it's wavy & he's never seen that. If it was him I hope it's left him wondering 🤔 

[CMF]

I came across this. Wish I saw it years ago. It shows he just was not capable of hearing the truth.

When your partner comes to you about something you did wrong, it shows that they value the relationship and want to address any issues that may arise. Instead of avoiding confrontation or harboring resentment, they choose to communicate with you openly and honestly.

This kind of behavior is a healthy sign in a relationship because it demonstrates a willingness to work through challenges together. It shows that both partners are invested in the well-being of the relationship and are committed to making it stronger.

By acknowledging and addressing the mistake, you have the opportunity to learn and grow as individuals and as a couple. It allows for open dialogue, understanding, and the chance to find a resolution. This process not only helps to resolve the immediate issue but also strengthens the bond between you and your partner.

Emotional maturity plays a significant role in this scenario. It involves being able to handle constructive criticism and recognizing that it is not a personal attack. Instead, it is an opportunity for personal and relational growth. Emotional maturity allows you to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions.

Commitment is another important aspect of handling such situations. It means being committed to the relationship and its success, even when faced with challenges. It involves a dedication to working through difficulties, finding solutions, and growing together. When both partners are committed to making things work, the relationship becomes stronger and more resilient.

Love is the foundation that underlies the entire process. It is the driving force behind the desire to communicate, resolve conflicts, and stay together. Love encompasses understanding, forgiveness, and the willingness to put in the effort required to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

In summary,when your partner brings up something you did wrong, it should be seen as a positive sign rather than a personal attack. It demonstrates that they value the relationship, have emotional maturity, are committed to making things work, and ultimately, love you. Embracing these qualities can lead to a stronger and more fulfilling partnership.

[CMF]

He was probably going too fast to see or realise it was me. He may not have even noticed. 

[CMF]

Last night I dreamt I was driving his son to a friend's house near mine & M was in the back seat. 

[CMF]

Well i keep learning more & more what a jerk he is. I bumped into a relative today that we always saw at church. When M was overseas we went out for coffee & I invited M's mum to join us. She kept commenting to M how much she had in common with my relative. They got along really well. This relative asked me if I was still with M as she sees him & his mum at church regularly.  I told her everything as she knew something was not right. After we split last year she was always asking him how I was, he kept saying I was really good. This coincided with us seeing each other again. He was also always tellingly me he saw my relo & she says hi. I wanted to ask if he'd told her we split but it was obvious he hadn't.  Remember. No one knew we were seeing each other. He was telling her i was good as if we were still together in that relationship.  In fact my relo thought we lived together. Eventually his mum said to my relative that I was busy with my kids. Clearly relative was wondering why I wasn't at church with them anymore. She worked it out when his mum said I was "busy ". He was too gutless to be honest & tell my relo that we'd split. He obviously knew how bad he looked so he kept acting as if we were together. In some ways he wasn't lying cos he was seeing me & i was good but he was not transparent & this was my issue. He was not a transparent person. Had a way of covering up without lying.  I'm surprised his mum would go along with it & cover up his bs. I do see his side. We were seeing each other but he could have told her we'd split but were friends. He's such a coward. Not only with sis by the looks of things. Pretty sure it's manipulating the truth. Like I told him when I cut him off, I don't know what to believe with him.