Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[randomxx]

And the m bs, that's the trouble and scary thing with fakes isn't it, you never really know what's really goin on bc they're too busy being fake and all nicey.

[randomxx]

One thing l love about gf there's no ifs or buts if it's on her mind you hear about it and the real, love that about her. No need to worry about a thing bc if there's a problem it'll be coming out ha ha.

eX W on the other hand, God almighty. Always nice always talky always making happy , you literally had to sense a problem and often a very scary one and then drag it out of her.

[CMF]

Exactly.  First thing I thought when I cut him off was "who the hell are you?"

[randomxx]

Oooo l telly ya, thought that many a time with ex.

She was over last wk to talk about d and l gave her a cuddle.

l'm thinking ldk whether you cuddle your ex w or what but then l think well we had 22yrs of huge life together it'd be weird not to right,.

But tbh that was the first time in 12yrs since split but ldk, she looked weird , l thought l saw her fake with it , so l won't bother next time.

[CMF]

I think if you're meeting to talk about your child a cuddle is ok. Your discussing an important part of your lives together.

M used to tell me he loved how real I was. How down to earth, not showy. How honest I always was. Even up to the last few messages when i adked what he wanted. Very different to him & very different to who he was when he returned from o/s. He's so shallow. I honestly mean it, no one knows who he really is cos he only shows a side that everyone will like cos he needs that. 

[randomxx]

Yeah true.

Thankfully she was nothing like m over all , she was a v special person and very grounded very real mostly, heart of gold, she just never said or showed what was on her damn mind unless you realized and asked her though. Even d complains about it.

known a few of these mr friendly everyone loves me hello's to anyone in the street types, never trusted em.

[randomxx]

Although in his case he sounds harmless enough but eh , a bs bf though.

[CMF]

You know when we split I unfollowed him on Instagram & removed him from following me. I told him too. I didn't feel it was right or necessary to be friends on social media,  not that either of us used to post much. He got on it so he could share photos whilst o/s. During that 6 months he stated sending me stuff via instagram. We weren't following each other & it was just fun stuff but AGAIN, it was just another way,that HE started, of keeping this connection with me. He was treating me like a friend, yes but also using me till something else came along.  Was he really gonna keep all this "friendship" stuff going when he has someone new? As always, only good while it works for him. 

I do feel better I got all that out. My anger has lifted & I just see him as a joke. I've always told him his clueless,  he can't see or read situations. Pretty sad that his need to be liked is so desperate he's oblivious to what he's really doing.

Anyway,  need to get rid of this bronchitis now.

[CMF]

The more I think of it, he was was trying very hard to make sure I still though he was a good guy when we split. Call me anytime,  call me for anything. I'm always here for you. You can be angry, you can yell at me,you can send me angry messages. When I told him I life was short, we'd known each other too long & i didnt want to hate him, i still wanted to be friends & not cut him out off my life he was like a little boy who won an award. He said "good ". He was like a puppy with his tail between his legs cos he knew he messed up but the owner still loves him. That was the point he decides to take advantage of my soft heart. He wanted a photo of an outfit I was wearing.  I said no bur sent it later. He had the audacity to say he knew I'd send it so I could show him what he's missing out on. That was not my thought process at all, to show him what he's missing out on. I'm not that full of myself & the cockiness from him to think I'd sent it to reel him in. Thing is, he didn't leave it at that.  That's when he started the flirting & making it clear how much he wanted me.  If only I'd stopped it there but tbh I did not feel it was completely over. There was still something. I guess it worked how it was meant to. I needed to cut him off completely & something like this had to happen for me to be able to do it. The Universe protecting me 🙏

[randomxx]

Yeah l do think if we need to it's good to get it out and you can't just go round laying it of everyone in RL so l always like to do my circles here in my thread. ldk, usually by the time l've finished writing it out things are making more sense and l feel better.

Unfortunately though yeah, hard to not subconsciously feel there might be a turn saving  things, hard not to wanna work that through just to be sure , bc it is a really big thing. Sort of where l'm at, l need to know and feel that we have with either way it goes, l need to be 100%  .

l think you've done the right thing all through you've tried there was 30yrs of ifs and buts really and then this 5yrs, you needed to finally work it through which ever way it went.