Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[randomxx]

Hey cm.

Sorry to see there's been hospital and now this, damn hey, hope it clears up soon.

That stuff sounds creepy alright.

Personally l've never been too comfortable with getting to close to any of my sisters . Not in m and sis's weird way but just in any form,  l've usually create some distance again whenever l've seen it coming.

[CMF]

Yeah. I need to just move on & I can't.  I'm wondering what he's thinking/feeling. Does he even care? When we split last year he said hedfind my angry messages funny. I wonder if he finds this funny? He knows I don't forgive (we often discussed what forgiveness is) but I will still be there if someone needs me. Like I was with little miss' dad. Then again I don't know what M really thinks of that cos he never tells what he really thinks, just what you wanna hear. This is why NO ONE really knows him. Not even sis. He never told her he didn't like her ex, he never told her how I was feeling, he never tells her he hates her crap all over the house. He's defended people I didn't like, telling me i was harsh, but when sis pointed out things he took her side & agrees they're no good. Who us the real M? No one knows. Maybe his ex wife does. Maybe I should laugh it off like he said he would. He was civil toward his ex wife. Would he be civil to me? He knows no matter what I have a good heart. I vent, I speak up but I still care about people. I need to change my thoughts. I haven't thrown his gifts out. I might start using the coffee maker again cos the one i bought is crap lol. I'm not bitter cos we split due to wanting different things. I bitter cos he took advantage of me, invalidated my feelings & flaunted sis being a priority right in front of me but denied it only to admit in the end she was his priority not me & it wasn't right or fair. I'm bitter cos the last 6 months he just used me. He knew I wasn't looking elsewhere,  knew I was only his.  He said he doesn't go out or use dating apps & knew he had to tell me if he wanted to meet others but he never did. He was open to it but he didn't tell me cos he knew I'd walk away. So he kept me on a string till he had something else. It was sneaky & taking advantage again. He should know me better by now but he thought it ok to use me like a doormat again AND he thought it ok to do so. If a person thinks its ok to play with people's emotions like this they have some issues within themselves.

[CMF]

I think I don't feel good about myself for reacting the way I did. Maybe I need to forgive myself for being human & releasing all those emotions the way I did. I don't know why I care but I hope he realises how hurtful his actions were.  He should know.  He took his ex back twice after she admitted cheating & yet she did it again. He didn't cheat but his actions were the same. Going back to someone you hurt & rejecting them again. He knows this well.  I just don't know if he is emotionally mature enough to see this.

[randomxx]

Yeah well you know what l think of the ex but as for you feeling bitter, that's ok, your allowed to. lt probably even helps and no one could blame you.

Still don't think he was looking but like l say these things can just happen you don't have to be looking or on date sites or going out.

But l do think he wasn't looking just aware that it might happen on it's own one day just like it might've with you but then that's what being casual is unfortunately. One day either is gonna announce someone else has come along or they don't wanna do this any more or whatever.

Anyway, it hasn't been long just stop being so hard on yourself this can take yrs, allow yourself to feel and be whatever you need to, it's ok.

[CMF]

I dont think he was looking. It's just a shame I had to give him the ultimatum cos the agreement was if he wants to meet others I'm out. So if he's open to meeting others he should have told me nice & clear cos I said I was not open to it. I told him of I was I wouldn't see him, cos that's not nice. It's the fact I had to put him on the spot for him to be bloody honest & not say "I don't know, I'm not sure". I was VERY clear from the start. He gave me a weird look few times, that's when he should have spoken up, not continue to take me for granted while he could. The bike...misleading.  The bday talk...misleading. He knew what he was doing. He was thinking I'll always be here when he wants me. I told him I wasn't gonna look to meet anyone else & I won't.  Not cos I wanna be available for him but cos I don't need to. He's 55 acting 20. He hurt me & took advantage of my vulnerability instead of leaving me alone. Telling me how attracted he was when we had coffee, telling me he couldnt concentrate on what I was saying. Wanting me more than he EVER did. The compliments, the affection. Yes I went along but to end a relationship, hurt someone & then start flirting when the other person has JUST told you they need time to heal, they won't heal quickly, that's just selfish. Yes I told him I still wanted him on my life as a friend. He said I could call him for anything (guilt). He took advantage & played my emotions. He knew all along what he was doing &where I stood & he didn't care. I literally sat in front of him & told him it was gonna take time for me to fully heal & yet he flirted & started it rolling. If he had brains in his skull he would have resisted that urge & not sent flirty messages. A smart person who cares about how they treat people who have not started anything. He knew I was vulnerable & he took advantage cos all of a sudden I look great, I'm giving off "single" vibes & he doesn't want anyone else to have me. Selfish p@#$%.

[CMF]

Yeah it was "casual " but casual as in we don't have to see each other every week, or talk on the phone every day, or have family involved. We had an agreement on meeting other people. He went beyond casual with the bike, the bday gift talk. If you were seeing someone casually would you do all that? Would you put your arm around them in the street & say you care about them too much? Would you kiss them in theor driveway for neighbours to see after they know you've split? I know what "casual" means. He went beyond with his words how ill always be his Honey, how he's always loved my smile & my eyes. He didn't wanna let go cos he saw how attractive I was to other men, even though I wasn't interested in others, so he made sure he kept me for himself & used me cos he didn't wanna miss out on my affection but he wanted the single life as well.

[CMF]

I can't believe he could show SO MUCH affection yet have no feelings.

What does that say about the whole 5 years? What was even real?

[CMF]

...and what was with his need to be the best I've had in bed? Why did he have this need to impress me when he never did in 5 years? When I asked why he said "I don't know, cos I'm competetive". Of course the I don't know came out. It's standard for him. It's like he wanted me to think of him/how good he was in bed if I'm with someone else. He's trying to compete. With whom? He didn't try to be the best in 5 years. There really was something else going on there. This need to impress after we split. I don't get it. He put in so much more in that 6 months than he did in 5 years.  Yeah, he probably got a big shock when I told him where to go. It's almost like he wanted to leave me with an everlasting memory that no one else could live up to. Bit sick really. 

[CMF]

Maybe he couldn't handle the fact I could live without him? He still needed validation from me. Still needed to know that little ol' ME still adored him after he hurt me AGAIN, 30 years later. Even his mate couldn't believe he did it again. He still needed to know that he had me wrapped around his finger. He needed the security of knowing ill always love & adore him no matter what. When I look at it all this way there is no room for anger. I actually think it is quite funny 🤣

[randomxx]

He might've felt he had to play the part to get you in the sack , often hear girls saying why was he so nice they don't understand but it's always pretty clear to me.Then they never hear from him again or he disappears until next time.

But eh it l think it was more than that with m, l'd say he still did think and feel a lot of that stuff don't think he was just paying his cards right like a lot of those guys l'm talking about . Think he was caught somewhere in between and still had feelings just not the right ones for more.

But then you got all the m bs thrown into the mix , he's a doozy alright.

Anyway, it's probably good for you to get it all out l guess.