Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[randomxx]

Sorry to say but it all makes sense.

lstly it was way to soon to go with you , even though you both kinda took it slow.

Words from then inside he was deeply broken and hurt and then there's the kids and just so much, even if outwardly he's seemed ok, faking it. So he found you again but he was going on 30yr old memories, you were kids.

Anyway, as it turned into a relationship and more real you were both very different and it was a lot of work for him to bc you were always on him about something or sis or stuff bc the way he was just didn't fit.

After 5 yrs of real this time 30yrs and older, os, he realized stuff and came home with that. l suppose that's what a relationship first is about right, seeing if you fit.

All since was just casual no ties but really despite his bs words, still nothing had changed from when he got back.

[CMF]

Yep. As I've said,  he uses me to make him feel good about himself.  Always has. 

[CMF]

Better to be home alone on a Saturday night than with someone who's texting his sister or cycling mates. At least i have little miss. M & I would watch a movie when she went to bed. I'd be so tired I'd fall asleep. I know that wouldn't have been nice for him (& I told him) but when he's with but on his phone that's not nice for me. Funny how someone can go overseas & one minute they're video calling & saying they love you, next minute you're not hearing from them for days. I kniw exactly when it all changed for him. It was the middle part of the trip. In their mum's town, sis' friends was staying with them. She was an attractive girl. He sent me a photo of them at dinner. The friend was sitting between M & sis.  He told me a story about going to the shop with her to buy wine. Just the 2 of them. Don't know if she has a bf but I could sense something. Its probably when he felt he could do better than me. When we splitbi asked if he met someone over there that he was keeping in touch with or communicating with. He said no. I believed him but who knows. 

[CMF]

Rx you hit the nail on the head. "Outside he was faking it." This is why I could never trust him again. I not sure he's ready to meet someone although he did come back from o/s a different person. He came back feeling liberated. He made some peace with his ex & marriage breakdown. He told me he thinks that war is over.  They are more civil to each other which is what he always wanted. He talked about it often. It's almost like he needed me to validate him while his wife hated him so he could think he's still a great guy. Now that she's more civil toward him he's at peace & doesn't need me. Now having said that, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to meet someone else to validate him now cos I hate him. He needs a woman to tell him he's a great man, great dad, great in bed. Actually,  the best in bed is what he wants to hear & sis cant tell him that. That's what he always needs. Validation. I told him I couldn't open my heart to anyone again so he wants options cos he thinks if they don't work out I'll still be here if he contacts me.

He made it very clear. I hate him so much.  I just need to get through this sadness. I'm so empty & down but I know I'll be ok. The cold weather doesn't help.

Appreciate you my friends 🧡 

[randomxx]

Ahhhh cm. Well , l think he had genuine dreams and hopes when you two got back together, just like you. But of cause hell yeah after what he'd been through with ex of cause to just having you and a partner and that closeness again would've also been huge.

l mean tbh, sounded like he still had hopes all through and still trying to accommodate your gripes or work round them but maybe in the last 12mths or so it started looking like things just weren't fitting , then the trip and some time apart, things started hitting it home and he realized he might have to except it.

The rest later , yeah probably started to fall into along the lines of what your saying and also don't forget, cake and eat it to. But it sounds like he was still resigned to anything more serious just wasn't gonna work.

[randomxx]

God l find the same, summer over, it's making me miss sydney to.

But to as soon as it started setting in , our main lake at that exact time also got sick to and so d and l suddenly just couldn;t even go hang out kayaking  anymore either. lt was like bang,overnight. Those days were so fun and special, really helping me through to, damn it.

Now l'm just working, staying home, gets dark and nippy so fast, can't believe the way it's all altering my spirits and outlook right now.

[CMF]

Yeah. As soon as the cold weather started he changed too & realisedit was too coldfir him to be bothered. I guess 5 weeks of summer o/s, return to spring/summer here. He hasn't experienced really cold weather for a while.  I'm not gonna be a seasonal mate for him. Told him from the start the effort goes both ways, not just from me. I read something along the lines of he's talking about future things to keep me in the present. Made alot of sense.  Maybe one day he'll actually mature & realise how his words & actions affect others.  I doubt it, but who knows.  5 years ago he came to me very humble,  like a dog with it's tail between it's legs. I gave him his self esteem back, showed him he can be loved & WANTED. Gave him hope & love.Now he's all confident again he wants others to give him that. Guess he's still trying to prove himself. Jerk.

[CMF]

Sunday mornings I pop into the Cafe my daughter works in. There was a man there today who looked like M with more grey hair.  Even my d agreed lol. I filled my d in on what's happened as she didn't know the full story. She is 20 & said his behaviour was like emotional manipulation.  She even said he was never that full on & complimenting me in the 5 years we were together. So why now after breaking up? Anyway,  she's a good girl, checks in on me. Even little miss is a smart cookie. Every morning she comes on to kiss ne & say goodmorning & asks how I slept. I'm not a great sleeper.  She said maybe I'm waking up so early cos I'm cold. She could be right so I bought warmer pj's. Also I mentioned I had a sore lower back this morning. She said I always have some sort of pain.  Last year it was always neck & shoulder. I told her she was wrong as since breaking up 6 months ago I've been physically better. I then realised that this past week has been hard for me & guess what? Physically I'm not feeling great. Stress etc does affect us physically.  As soon as we broke up I changed my diet & exercised a little & the weight fell off. This week I feel heavy again. I need to get back to feeling good. 

[CMF]

He never liked tatoos. Not at all. He thinks they're for attention seeking. Some of his good friends have tatoos. I asked if I got one would it change his opinion of me. He said he didn't know. Typical hypocrite.  On one of Pur lunches he said he's relaxed his view on tatts. I was surprised.  He said he needs to be more open minded. My first thought is that he realised the chances of meeting someone without are slim. Either that or the girls he served on o/s all had them so that makes it ok for him now. Jerk.

[CMF]

Yesterday I saw a man that looked like HIM, a man that looked like his grandfather & a car the same as his sister drives. There are not many of her car on the road. Today my daughter stood next to a boy at the train station that looked like his son & had the same name.  She's  sure it wasn't him plus I'm sure he'd say hi. I feel so out of sorts.  My card reader says I must be on his mind. I feel such a strange shift.