Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[randomxx]

Ah cm , sorry about where your at once again.

The bike thing yeah well it;s only a bike while l know that's a huge thing for your d  from m's point of view though wth would a bike even matter to him but at the same time. l knew it might feel awkward to you though by the way it was sounding so why l was gonna say earlier l'd really just buy her her very own yourself .

Maybe you could lay-by one on the side or something if moneys a problem and when it's paid you can give that one back and that will be that.

The emotional thing with m , ldk how to say it or whether l should but sorry to say but it's not complicated . The only problem is that he just doesn't feel that stuff. What he said when he came home summed it up. That's why it doesn't bother him. He seems to like a little bit for awhile when he does see you but then he;s good to go. And that's why he could be 15mins away all these yrs yet still not even see you through the wk.

l think him talking about moving in and plans when you first reconnected were the natural way earlier in with a new relationship that we have high hopes for but as time goes on, well.

rx

[CMF]

He messaged me this morning and all felt normal.  I then told him something that happened the way to work that scared me. He seemed quite understanding & empathetic.  I then called as just wanted to talk to someone.  He was pretty good but again answer the phone with a strange voice.  Like he didn't want anyone to hear or know it was me. WTH, what's the big deal.  Before we started the casual thing he said I can call anytime, he's always here for me etc.

I guess he feels he needs to hide it.

Whatever.

[CMF]

I sort of want him to stuff up so I can let loose & tell him what i really think. That he uses me to feel good about himself,  boost his ego & that he doesn't deserve me 🤣

[CMF]

He checked in to make sure everything was ok on my way home tonight so that was nice.  I've moved the bike from the spate bedroom to the shed so at least I'm not seeing it all the time.  Again, a nice gesture but it's messing with me a bit. We should be catching up this Saturday night. I'm sure I'll feel better then.

[CMF]

We just got off the phone & I feel better already. I know when I don't feel the connection my mind wanders but when we re comnect I feel all good again & my overthinking stops. He's coming over for dinner Saturday night but wants to pop in tomorrow night too. My son might be home so it's a no

 I'm guessing he might have to drop off or pick up work stuff from his mate so he's already out.

[CMF]

I think I also felt out of sorts cos he started watching a show I show I watch every year.  I didn't realise he'd never watched it before.  Sunday nights we'd text about it while it was on. I'm sad the shows finished as I looked forward to it but I realise I miss that texting.  He said he'd def watch it again next year. 5 years together he never watched it. I don't know why he watched this year but it was nice. It's interesting how we are connecting differently now. Now thst it's him & me, not him, me & sis our connection is different. I wonder if he sees this? Probanly not & he'd never admit it I reckon cos he'd have to admit/accept she affected us..

[randomxx]

little things like that make such a huge difference don't they.

l miss it all and our chatter all day all night so much. amd at work now it's like l work all alone, which l do anyway , but l was never alone, not at night either.

anyway , at least one of us still have glimmer of potential there.

[quirkywords]

cmf 

yes thst idea of no connection then feeling connection and everything feels great until the next time  you feel disconnected. I relate to that . I hope all goes well with Sat night.

random hold that glimmer of hope. 

[CMF]

We had a nice night but he has become quite the bull%#!##&@. I was exhausted & almost cancelled.  When he arrived he wanted to have gun straight away but I said as dinner was almost ready. He made a comment re wanting me so much before he came over etc & I replied he didn't do that before.  He asked how do I know that & maybe he did. I asked him to name a tine when. I then told him not to bs me. Everytime he tells me these things I point out he didn't think that when we were together & he always says yes he did.  What a load of crap. If he really thought those things he would not have come back from os saying he realised he didn't miss me, that something was missing & he didn't know what he wanted.  He can't wait to see me now, he loves ever about me & clearly knows what he wants. WTH! He must think I'm stupid. How insulting to insinuate he thought these things when he clearly didn't or he would have told me like he does now. If he did that & made me number 1, instead of his sister,  my attitude would have been very different. I can't believe he expects me to believe he akways thought these things after the reasons he gave for ending it. Just makes it more obvious he says what he needs to get what he wants & I can't believe anything he says. 

Also when he walked in he changed the TV to what he wanted to watch. Pretty confident for an ex or just plain selfish. Always about what HE wants.I wonder if he even considers himself an ex anymore?

[CMF]

Also, he leaves around 9 days saying he's gonna have an early night but then he responded to my text at 10.30pm. Considering he's told me he goes to bed at 10.45 when working I don't see how he's 'having an early night'. Just an excuse to leave. I'd prefer if he was just honest or simply didn't make up rubbish excuses.