Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

You are right rx. I know who he is and what he's like. I still am hesitant about trusting him but yeah, I know sis will always be boss, I know he's not deep, I know it's all surface level & anything more is too much for him. I know he's Insensitive & can be shallow. I know at times he's not transparent esp if sis is involved. I also know if I need help with something I can ask I guess. He needs to fix the blind again so wanted to have a look this weekend & bring the bike but little miss has friends coming over for her bday. I know he wants to get it done though. It won't take him forever. I know he says I'm the best person he knows but it's the look he's attracted to, not the person. I still think that 5 years was a waste.  A whole lot of bs to keep me around till he went o/s & had a "great time".

But yeah...You are right rx. 

[randomxx]

Ah cm what are we gonna do with ya.

l suppose butttt, l mean just supposing you turned around and married later or things take of again from here into something more real, l guess then it wouldn't be a waste.

Who knows if that's on the cards though right now l know buttt, there might be a chance.

I do feel it with my sitch bc l don't see any hope now so it's it's like 5 damn yrs , yaknow. But then as l say the way she's been l'd be crazy to even want more anyway l know.

Actually speaking of sis, wasn't she suppose to move in with bf back when or what? What's goin on there any idea ? Still , they haven't been together that long really have they.

l know m prob doesn't even mention her name right now buttt.

[CMF]

Been reading interesting things lately;

• You can't expect someone with a big heart to have low emotions.
• Give yourself the chance to meet someone else. Do not go back to someone who was lucky enough to have you but did not value you when they had the chance.
• I always thought if I communicated there would be change but if there is no comprehension your words are useless 

[CMF]

Having to beg someone to do things with you then watching them willingly do them with someone else is a different kind of hurt.

 M & sis...holidays, tv shows. Even just having his full attention on my bday weekend instead of running home to do something cos she sent him a text.  Ah yes...the memories. I wouldn't marry him cos I'd be marrying sis too. She's still with her bf. Been 2 years I think. He doesn't live close by but her work is close by. Someone's gonna have to compromise. Who knows, she coukd be waiting for him to ask, she could he happy staying with M & having a man for other things (sound familiar?). Maybe he's not ready to live with her.. who knows. M told me once he has seen her bf put her in her place when she tried to control him. Interesting.  She's 44, never lived with a guy except  M these last 5 & 1/2 years.  Will be interesting to see how that goes. 🤔 

[CMF]

You know, he did try and change a bit. I remember when sis tried to interrupt us he'd ignore her. I remember after one of our conversations he said he hoped his behaviour moving forward would show me how important I was.  He said/did things but her hold on him was too strong. It was too much hard work for him so when her was o/s with her he must have felt so free. She could just run the show & he could let her. I can't believe he daid he wished I could have gone with them. Maybe if I was there he wouldn't have had the chance to not miss me. Avoid his true feelings.  How can you tell someone you wished they were there then break up cos you realised you didn't miss them? Yeah, it was the meltdown over sis that did it. Probably good thing, he would have kept convincing himself she didn't control him & I would have keep convincing myself I was happy 😉 

[randomxx]

Very true words to those, 1 of lots of reasons l love empathy and heart in a person, woman.

But it's making me think now to, bc l know it's pretty damn confusing describing her stuff but she also does have a huge heart and she's very emotional. So thinking about it maybe our troubles were what was making her so erratic lately when l think about it the timing of stuff happening it all fits.

Anyway , yeah that's weird isn't it he is aware she needs it but still lets it steam roll your relationship. ldk cm l always say it had to come from him with all her stuff but it doesn't even have to be confronting or hurtful to her if that's what he's worried about . He only had to show her like that time you talk about.

Doesn't sound like sis and bf are quite over the line yet unfortunately, he's not yet for sure , don't reckon l'd hold my breath for that one then sorry to say.

Spot on to though no way you should have to coax and pressure someone into more time and more of a real relationship. Actually if anything with gf to she always wanted that, was always planning and coming up with ideas, kind of more about what l was talking about above there, no wonder she's going of. 

Bloody hell , l'm reading here her frustration in things your saying about yours and all this.

lt was like l was blocking , not going past that extra bit ,point,  that's what m's doing, different reasons totally different situation but really, same outcome.

Gf coudn't understand why l couldn't go that extra bit l did want to though l just couldn't get past my reasons.

So what are ms true reasons for all he's crap that's the answer. A lot of it is just m being m , but there's more to it. Just not sure what it is.

[randomxx]

Trouble with m to is he's pretty fake , always covering his bases and saying doing what he needs to with everyone, thinks he is. Once he thinks he's got it covered he's just back of on his merry way.

My brothers a lot like that , never know what's sincere and what's not .

[CMF]

I said to him that I was there to boost his ego & confidence after what his wife did.  He knew I'd be loyal and love him. I filled the void till sis moved in then he had her to fill the wife/mum void & me for the intimate partner stuff. I called him out cos that's exactly what it was.  I always told him I wonder what it would have been like if sis wasn't there?

[randomxx]

Yeah l wondered that to.

[CMF]

No point wondering I guess. Things work out the way they're meant to & I look better than I have in years hahaha.