Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Wish I could let go of the bitterness I feel now & then. Regardless of the reasons things were not working. I wanted to walk away so many times.  Now we are in a better place,  enjoy time together more, laugh more, he wants me more AND I don't have to deal with sis. I think it hurts so he's ok doing things without me ie holidays, then again I didn't fully enjoy holidays cos sis was there & I didn't want to travel like he does. I think I just feel 5 years was a waste cos we clearly had different wants. If we didn't have 2 years of lickdown hw woukd have gone overseas earlier in the relationship.  I wonder if we would have ended things earlier? I remember finding out on FB that it was their plan. He wanted to live with me, go on a trip I knew nothing about. Yeah, he wants everything HE wants, like a spoilt little boy. It offended him when I told him that cos he knows its true ☺️

[randomxx]

Weird how we're both at 5yr turning points and so was gf, wonder where m's at with 5yrs.

Then again maybe when he got home that was about 5yrs to he just didn't say so.

l worried about it all last but ny rolls around and we were still 1 forward one back.

Not any more l suppose but it's gonna take awhile yet to get around to how l'm really feeling about it.

[CMF]

Don't think 5 years meant anything to him cos he wasn't fully in. If you think about time we actually spent together,  alone it was mote like 2 years. It was a part time relationship. 80% sis,  20% me. Sis has been living there 5 & 1/2 ,years now.  Not bad for a temporary thing. 

[CMF]

We're both watching a particular show & messaging each other. One of the contestants has had a tough life. Homelessness,  lack of confidence etc.  He has talent though. Few weeks back M told me he didn't like this contestant cos he has 'too many issues'. That has stuck with me. He can't see the talent in this person cos they have "issues' . Goes to show anything that doesn't come easy is too much for him.

[quirkywords]

I appreciate people who despite their struggles and hardships by their determination manage to use their talents. I think people who have overcome obstacles are amazing. 

[randomxx]

Well taht's true , we'd probably spent more actual time together than you tow yet 1200k apart. But we would have mth and two mths stays .

Did you want more than that though or , and what about now ? Supposing there was no sis.

l know what your saying with his attitude on that contestant l'd feel the same way you do .

[CMF]

Good question. Did I want more? I always told him it was hard to picture living together etc as I didn't know what he was like without her. I always thought if she wasn't there he'd want to spend more time with me. He says he should have wanted to regardless. I did give up a while ago. I didn't know if I wanted to live together.  I'm reading 'you can heal your life' & today read something about the things we do when we can't accept something needs to change (something like that) One of the things was we end relationships. Just like he did. He couldn't or didn't want to accept he needed to change things with sis so he ended us. I also read that time apart can make is realise we love/miss someone or how peaceful life is without them. Mine is certainly peaceful without sis lol. She has him ny the ba___. Always will now.44, never married, no kids, jumped from one man to another before the bedcwas even cold. Filled the void my shacking up with M & his boys. Gotta make you wonder.

[CMF]

When he was looking into my eyes the other night, dishing out the compliments I was looking back into his & wanting to tell him he's a jerk.

[randomxx]

Ahh cm cm.

Yaknow , you've never had many nice things to say about him here. l know we often use our threads to vent our stuff and get it out which often mean the things we're having troubles with, so it can look distorted so maybe it's just that dk.

The other thing is he yaknow when he got back he said his reasons which really had nothing to do with sis .

So l mean l'd tend to go with the saying on that one of - if someone shows you who they are believe them.

Bc really using sis or his family or the kids or something wouldn't been a far  easier thing to tell you but he actually told you the hardest things.

So although he's all big on the compliments atm, wondering if there's any actual depth. l know your very suss yourself .

[CMF]

There's never depth with him. I know that. He's into how things look. You're right when he got back it was the hard stiff he said when we broke up but also he'll never say it's sis. He'll always protect her. I blame her cos she affected how I was in the relationship.  She made me shrink away cos I could see the control over him. You are right though. There was and is no depth. To him sis did nothing wrong, he lives her running their family. She was his security blanket. He did admit I was never a priority to him, I wasn't his go to person. You're 100% right. It's all on him not her. I just dislike her cos she never had the brains to read the situation,  give us space, always involved in our stuff but you're right.  He was not interested enough in me. At the start I was shiny & new. His ego needed a boost after what his wife did. I told him all this.  Once his confidence was back he lost interest. This is another reason he couldn't tell sis to back off. He didn't want extra time with me, didn't want to be alone, didn't want to go on holidays with me but he did want me to go overseas with them. It's true, having a break made him realise & be honest with himself & me...finally. I knoe exactly who he is which is why I wsnna tell him he's a jerk when compliments flow. He's superficial, emotionally unavailable. His ex wife knew too & found what she needed elsewhere. I was just there to boost his self esteem which I told him. He's a jerk & spoilt little boy.