Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

HE broke it off cos feelings weren't there. I wanted to break it off cos of the way him and sis were. The feelings between us changed when I saw him letting sis do everything for him & him making her the priority not me.. I changed cos he didn't allow me to be that person for him.

It is all on him. If we didn't have lockdown we may have ended earlier.  

He's only interested in who & what makes him feel good about himself. 

[CMF]

He needs to fix the blind he installed.  I can't wait till it's done cos I feel I want to make some decisions. I don't like how he looks at me when he's rattling off hos compliments. He looks like a sleaze. I never loved going to his for a swim on hot days but I enjoy going to the pool on my own now with a book. Sometimes he messages me late at night & wants to call. I find I sometimes go to bed early to avoid it. On the other hand it's nice having someone to catch up with on a Sunday & grab lunch. I just don't trust him. This Sunday is hot again & o wanna go to the pool but then I'm not free next 2 weekends after & i want the blind fixed!. He had visitors last Friday night but didn't elaborate on who the visitors were.  When I mentioned I was exhausted & a little relieved he couldn't make it he said 'yeeaaah'. It was odd. He then said I didn't sound right when I called. Oh well,whatever. Even though I said I don't want another relationship I am really wanting  the company of someone with depth. Someone not so shallow & thinks they are so great & need to be liked by everyone.  I see more & more things that annoy me about him. He loves what he's getting. That's all. I think I'd like to pull the rug out from under him. 

Really need that blind fixed.

[quirkywords]

Need that blind fixed, that is funny and sadThanks for your insights. 

[randomxx]

Ahhh cm.

l'm sorry your where you are atm with everything.

Big hug.

[CMF]

Quirky,  I feel the blind is keeping us connected. It took ages for it to arrive. I thought after he installed it I might drop back a bit but now I need him to fix it. I have these feelings of cutting back on him, then we catch up on a Sunday, have lunch & it's nice.

RX, it's all good.  I actually feel fine. It's funny how much he's into me now. He thinks I'm really, really into him but I'm not. I just enjoy the company & the fun. I find it funny how "hot" & sexy he thinks I am now. He doesn't know I see these things that turn me off now. He doesn't know that I see more of how selfish & spoilt he can be, wanting everything to suit him. Next time I bump into one of his family or friends, & they tell me how sorry they are I might tell them at least he admitted he to took me for granted & I was not a priority to him. People know only what he wanted to tell- that he realised he didn't miss me, it wasn't fair on me and on HIM. Always comes back to HIM. How everyone was shocked but of course supported HIM. I told him initially I wanted to send him an angry text. He wanted me yo do it so he could laugh saying he knows I wouldn't really mean it. This is how cocky he is. Can't believe anyone could feel badly about him cos he's such a great guy. He can't accept it so he laughs it off. Who knows. I might be the one to tell him.

Then again I might get over this mood & all will be good again.

[CMF]

Truth is...he doesn't deserve me.

[quirkywords]

CMF I have said this before but your honesty really helps others trying to navigate relationships.

Everyone says my partner as wonderful as he cooks and cleans etc and he is wonderful but controlling ar rimes. No one would believe how he is at home. There are good times and bad times and I am too old to change!!!! 

i am sure you will workout what suits  you. You are more realistic and determined than you were in your first post. 

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky 

I'm torn between going with the flow & just moving on. I do know when we don't see each other properly I lose the connection & have the negative thoughts.  It's exactly as it was when we were together.  Difference is I always felt I was fighting to keep the connection. It was like a tug of war with sis but she is bigger & stronger & had a pull on him - literally! I love going to the pool alone or with little miss & reading a book. I can dip my feet, just relax.  At his I was always asked if I was gonna jump in the pool. Sis would wLk around in her bikini that was too small with her deep, booming voice. People would drop in for a swim. It was never a relaxing day by the pool. I could never just relax with him. Had to be like a pool party. My card reading said go with the flow, hold my power, let it develop organically. To be honest I don't want him to decide to end it again. I want to he in control this time. I regret putting my heart on the line & sending him that message for our 5 year anniversary whilst he was overseas.  His non response told me everything as I knew it would. I went against my gut & sent it , wanting to test him. I really regret letting him know those feelings only to have him say ",lovely" & give me the excuse he was on the beach & couldn't read it properly. I called him out on his bs. Told him he wasn't on the beach all night. He had time later to read it & respond, just like he had time for everything else & I could see when he was online.  He knows I'm not stupid & I called him out on his bs when we broke up. He can be a wanker when he gets swept up in his fantasy world, living his fantastic life. I always hope one day he'll get a taste of reality. 

[randomxx]

Yeah my d said something like that about gf one day , you know she likes to throw in her 20c. Said she may go off as soon as we're apart again bc she loses our connection again and starts getting all negative and it could well be it to, kinda fits.

l sort of felt like l had to fight to keep ours to bc l'd always know she's start going of again before long.

Maybe you could just go that way then, with the flow of things for awhile longer.

Very understandable with his pool thing , they're his people and with the damns sis thrown in , it all cert wouldn't be every partners cup of tea.

[CMF]

Yeah, I'll go with the flow I guess. We're fixing this blind this weekend & grabbing lunch. I reckon if he goes on the Bali holiday with sissy in A few months it will be enough of a trigger for me but we'll see. I felt soooo good after my card creating but not feeling it now. Then again we haven't spoken as much this week. I've been flat out at work & exhausted.