Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

He goes away camping & hunting alot. They spend more time together than M & I did & their time was ALONE.  I doubt if what I said made a difference & he wouldn't feel like a 3rd wheel cos M gives them space. He doesn't listen, interrupt & suffocated them like she did to us.at his house they're alone, at M's house they can to her bedroom & watch tv/,have alone time. They've been away together many times in the 2 years they've been together.  Unfortunately she just needs attention,& can't read the room well. If M & I were watching a movie she'd stand in front of us & talk about herself. If we wete having a conversation she'd sit with us & change the topic to her. M does not do thst 😊

[quirkywords]

When M was over seas you had a light bulb moment thinking that may be sis wasn’t the problem but M was. Have you changed your mind ?

It must be hard not having any time as a couple. She gets time with her bf but does not give you time. 

[CMF]

I think she was the problem for me but he didn't want to accept it. He too was at fault for not wanting to spend time together during the week or setting boundaries.  For always putting her before me. She didn't respect boundaries.  They were both at fault but the thought of being around the 2 of them is too much. If she gets a chance to stock her nose in she will.

[CMF]

It triggers me if I send a message & hear nothing back. It reminds me of him being overseas. He doesn't need to respond but it makes me uneasy.  I need to focus on how affectionately he is when together, especially last Sunday . Then again, I do question how much I trust him.

[quirkywords]

How long can you keep your relationship separate from his sis and others. 

[CMF]

I have no idea Quirky. Time will tell.

Don't even know if it is a relationship lol. 

Just two friends casually hanging out.

[quirkywords]

CMF maybe a friendship .

[CMF]

Hi Quirky, 

Yes it is just a friendship. With benefits lol.

I can't believe how much everything just falls into place for him.  Good fortune just lands in his lap. His sis  helped him financially during his divorce & filing the wife role, his mum gave him money with which he had his front garden landscaped & fence re done, he had friends who could give him work when he finished up his job, he bumped into someone he used to work with in a supermarket & was offered a teaching support job on a teacher's salary. He didn't even have to look for a new job. It all just came to him & good money too. The house behind him has a big tree from which all the blossoms fill his pool & clog up the filter. The neighbour refuses to cut it down. Well yesterday in the 💪  winds it broke. The whole top section snapped & landed in his pool. It's the whole length of the pool '7 metres. Lucky no one was in the pool. He's called it a Xmas miracle as he's wanted to cut it down for years. Unbelievable.  EVERYTHING  just works out for him. Even me. He broke up with me but he's still got me in a casual relationship thst suits him. He gets offended if I call him Spoilt but he's neber really had to struggle for anything or go without & he'll never understand it. He even said once if he couldn't pay mortgage,/bills his sis would do it. Imagine that.  

[quirkywords]

Cmf

you are so right sone people just seems to work out for him. The thing you know what it is like to struggle and work hard and to do with out. You appreciate things yo hav3 worked hard for. I wonder if people like M  ever know what it is like to feel that sense of achievement. I feel sis may feel she deserves time with M and a big role in his life after all the help she h given people. So I think you and I are better off having worked hard and not dependent on others. Help from others can have a price attached. 

[CMF]

Hi Quirky  

I don't think they know what it's like to habe that sense of achievement.  They don't know ow how to appreciate things or even people. They take it all for granted. I'm sure sis def thinks she deserves that place in his life. I think it was her plan to fillthe void in her own life. And yes, he feels obligated to her. I still think out break.up was h choosing her over me cos he couldn't set boundaries & saw how unhappy it made me. How it made me shut down. As I've said, when we see each other now he is full of compliments &very affectionate.  He knew he couldn't have his cake & eat it too. He couldn't set boundaries daries cos he couldn't upset her & feels indebted so he did it to me instead. I find weekends so hard. I'm do sad tonight & sad about Xmas coming. I feel lonley. I feel he's becoming a little complacent. I'm initiating most of the contact,then again ii sort of have to cos it depends on my son nit being home. He was coming over more during the week but last couple of weeks hasn't.  Either unable or too tired (for valid reasons). I do wonder if he just can't find an excuse to give them & doesn't want to keep lying which is also understandable.  When he does come over he's so happy to see me.  Last Sunday was really nice. Especially as he offered to do something for me & I pay him back, he daid he cares for me too much & put his arm around me while we were walking & kissed me in front garden. I am scared to trust him though. I feel uneasy if I don't hear grom.him but it's no less than when.we wete together & I k ow his family are around athome..when working he doesn't read my messages cos they distract him haha. He just hurt me so much so I start to overthink.  I need to stop & just be happy. The compliments are flowing. I've lost weight. I smile & laugh more. It makes him happy but I don't want him to take me for granted again. I need to be on guard I feel.