Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I'm also conscious that he knows he hurt me & this could be why he is leaving it up to me. I tried no contact after we broke up & each time he contacted me. Even if he wanted to get back together he may be scared I'll reject him so better to keep it ad it is. I don't believe he wants that relationship again anyway cos he k ows sis will ruin it.

  Niw he oesn't want to lead me on or give false hope cos hefeels bad. I don't know if a relationship with him could work cos of sis & he knows that. I'm so hurt that for years he told me it would change & he probably realised it won't.  She is always gonna involve herself in his life like she owns him. She just interferes in everything.  I hate that.

 He has no privacy in his own home especially with the front door camera. 

[CMF]

So today was really nice.  We spent time together then went out for lunch again. We seem to have more to talk about these days. It's easier. I'm anxious about NYE cos I'll be alone.  I td him. He doesn't know what he's doing. I'm not hos problem but I just wanted to tell him how I was feeling.  I asked if coming over during the week was too hard as he's said he could6a few times now.  He said this week is very busy but after that it's all good. Of course when he starts his new job it may be different,  maybe not but I wanted him to know thst if it's tricky it's ok. Seeing as no one knows I didwant to put him in a position where he has to decline  & it gets awkward. So interesting that he mentioned when he starts his new job. That isn't till end of January.  The compliments flowed again & he's offered to cut the lawns again if my gardener doesn't cone soon.

It's so much easier.

[quirkywords]

I feel you are in limbo neither one thing or another. No wonder you over think.

Did sis interfere when he was married or with other relationships.

[CMF]

Not sure Quirky, 

1. When he was married sis helped babysit the.kids at times. I doubt she interfered cos he lived with his wife & kids so they made family decisions & sis lived in her own house. I think since his divorce she's stepped in

 Her own relationship was nothing, he ex bf did nothing for her & since helping him financially & moving in she ferl.sje has a right to he indeed in everything.  She really is in love with M. Needs his attention & validation.

Oh well. Lucky I don't have to deal with her anymore.

[CMF]

We were chatting over lunch about different things. One of them being defacto relationships & divorce ie if you split from a defacto do you need to divorce. M said "you don't really know someone till you live with them" he had a funny look on his face & I wonder if he was referring to sis.  She is untidy  leaves her stuff everywhere. I know it annoys him

 shes loud, dominant. He wouldn't have known thst till she moved in cos they hadn't lived in the same house for a long time. He moved out of home30 years ago & she was a teenager.. I still think she's the reason things didn't work. I feel more like myself now. I'm different to how I was in that relationship.  He sees that.  I'm not completely ok. I miss him. He's been offering to help with things & it makes me want to tell him I love him. I can see he cares when he offered to pay for an awning blind & I pay him back when I can. When he offers to cut the lawns if my gardener doesn't come. He didn't do that before.  He's always happy to see me & me him

I think we both like the space we have. Not having to talk every night & be stuck in a routine.  I love not having to deal with his sister. I love thst I feel free with him, no longer hiding my body or feeling not enough. I feel I am giving more & wanting to make him happy. I'm not grumpy around him & I try & always be positive which he likes. I feel we're both making this effort & are concious of how we are around each other. We both want to be the best we can be.  I'm so sad he hurt me but at the moment things are so nice despite my loneliness. 

[CMF]

I feel sad tonight. Sad that i wasn't enough. Sad that she got in the way yet she'll never know that.  He'll protect her always. His ex didn't see the boys much after they split & they wanted to live with M

 I alwaydtjought that was sis' fault. I always thought her moving in & taking over the 'mum' role pushed his ex wife out of the picture.  She spoke negatively about the ex in front of his boys & he allowed it. He doesn't want hos boys to know the truth about their mother's affairs but he let sis say things about her.

I just feel sad.  I'd love to tell her the truth about how she ruined things for me.

[CMF]

Tonight he's at his Xmas party. Lots of drinking. I hate when he drinks alot. Anyway I had messaged if he wanted to come over tomorrow & we started texting a bit. He told me everything's a blur & he's tipsy. He hasn't answered about coming over so I'm assuming he can't.  I feel really uneasy. He's stopped texting & that's fine.  It is his Xmas party & send off as well Ias his close work colleague.  I guess but it's making me wonder if he'll want to party now & be free after having a goood time tonight. Does he consoder himself out tonight as a single man? . I don't know why I feel so insecure.  Hes s ent me photos told me what they're doing & they're all drinking alot. He hasn't hidden anything. He doesn't go out to meet girls, he likes what we have but what if he changes his mind now?  Like he did overseas when he was having a great time drinking on the beach & didn't miss me? He said somethingvwas missing    I wasn't enough but now he loves all these things about me & im amazing. Him being out tonight is a big trigger for me & it hurts.  Maybe I should ask if he wants to be free again like after his trip.  When we broke up he did say he was happy with a more casual weekend thing & that's what we have now which we're both happy with really.  He didn't want the marriage type relationship & not sure of he wanted to live together. Neither did I. It scared me.

Tonight is a trigger & I don't like it.

[CMF]

He hasn't done anything wrong. In fact his messages had kisses on them 🙄

It's just triggering 

[CMF]

Despite being so tired M came over tonight. He was so happy to see me & I realised my feelings night before were not right bit it was a trigger. He told me he got home around 4am. They drank, & partied everywhere.  He said he partied like a DH so it seems he realised it was too much. He sensed my unease & asked what was wrong & if I was ok. I asked if he partied like a single man. He said single man no. He partied like a man. I know he wouldn't fool around. Not his style. Him going out drinking is a trigger from 30 years ago. Anyway we spent some nice time together & when I expressed a concern anout him he told me to relax & stop worrying about him. He said I'm always thinking too much. I wondered if that also realted to me asking if he partied like a single man. If it did it's fine. I think it's his way of telling me not to overthink. To just relax, & enjoy. It did make me laugh. I'm very tired too tonight. Need a good sleep.

[quirkywords]

CMF when people tell me to relax,  it overthink or to stop stressing it has the opposite effect and makes me tense.

Things are complicated for you both and  you don’t live in a vacuum, but in aplsyveith many characters each with a past.