Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

CMF · ‎17-12-2023

We had a nice arvo. He did trigger me though. I alreafy felt anxious about something else. We sat out the front, had a coffee & he Was telling me about his night out & how he doesn't remember a text from his friend. He sent his friend a photo of them drinking & his friend responded 'living the dream'. Really? Is that the dream? Whose dream? A 55yo man drinking himserlf stupid? It made me feel crap. He was then talking about blinds & how his friend's gf needs one for her investment property. This is the girl I never clicked with. This made me jealous. He was then talking about his sis & their investment ppty. It all just made me sad & i wNted to cry. He was ralking like all was normal & we wete still a couple. Anyway, I told him about something on my mind about a friend.He listened. He listened, he reacted. He didn't just say 'oh well'. I told him I had anxiety today, I think he already knew that. I felt like he cared about what I was saying. He gave me time. It was nice. As he was leaving I called him back as I needed a hug. I messaged him later to thank him for listening. I wanted him to know how much it meant to me. I was telling him how my friend down rhe road also knows about this story. Lo & behold I bumped into her later & wr chatted about it. I told her M & I have been seeing each other. She is a beautiful person, intuitive. She said this is probably how M & I are meant to be.tjis is how a relationship works for us. That we have our space but only see each other. She thinks he misses me & wants to be with me & this is the way it works. It works for me too. I just need to feel more secure & trusting. She agreed it's better if people don't know cos other people's energy can affect us. She picked up straight away that sis moved into the void his ex wife left & controls him cos of how she helped him. I believe more & more that he didn't to end things but felt torn with the sis situ& how it affected me. When he left I wanted to tell him I still loved him but didn't. I could ferm his love for me.

CMF · ‎17-12-2023

My friend pointed out that he is now getting a version if me that is happy, relaxed. That I'm being myself. Previously I was unhappy, frustrated. Now I don't have to deal with the things that made me frustrated, & unhappy I can be myself more. I think he likes this side of me. On the other hand, I feel sad that I miss our on special occasions with him but others don't. He'll probably spend NYE with friends & that girl I don't like. They get to he withbhim & I don't. It's a bit confusing. I don't want to he around certain people but sad I won't be with him. He gets to have his cake & eat it to. I don't but I also don't want to.

quirkywords · ‎19-12-2023

I understand what you are saying about not having

your cake but not wanting it

CMF · ‎20-12-2023

Thanks Quirky,

In some was I have all I want. I can be with M without having to be around sis. When we do see each other there is more to talk about. I'm happier around him, we laugh alot. He offers to help with things. We have no pressure. As it was pointed out to me, when he's with me it's cos he chooses/wants to be not because he feels obligated. On the other hand I feel lonley at times. Today at work something very stressful happened which caused me much anxiety. I felt so alone when I got home. I hugged little miss, she understood. I then felt upset cos I had no one. Later he messaged me & called. Just what I needed. I told him I was so stressed & he asked what happened. Maybe the Universe in play. I told him I needed to talk about it, how funny he called. He may come over tomorrow night but he is meeting old work friends for drinks. He's not sure what time he'll finish up or how he'll finish up but he said not like last week. That was too much. Good thing is it didn't bother me like last week did. He's catching up with old friends for a drink & he's honest about it. I guess we both have all we want now, even if I am lonley at times. It's ok. He's coming for dinner Saturday night. When I asked he sure & thanked me. That was nice. I'll see him for Xmas in our own way.

CMF · ‎21-12-2023

He didn't come over tonight as he went out for drinks with work friends & their ild boss. He apologised saying he drank too much & couldn't drive. This is fine, I have no issue but I don't understand wht he needs to drink do much when he goes out. It really annoys me. I feel like saying grow up. It reminds me of how he needs to behave like a teenager, something I dislike. Seriously. He's almost 55 & this is 2nd week in a row he has been out & drank too much. It's not my business but makes me think he's a dh who never grew up. I couldn't stand him when he drank too much. I think he'll never grow up.

CMF · ‎23-12-2023

I was very tired but restless & couldn't sleep but I was feeling happy. I had an overwhelming sense of freedom. I no longer need to be in situations with his sis that I didn't enjoy. He can go out & drink like an idiot & it's not my problem. His friend ssid 'living the dream'. Msybe his dream cos he's hot a gf & its been rovky. have 3 weeks off work now & don't have to be away with him & sis. They're not going away but not having to do it again is more relaxing for me. Although Xmas eve at theirs was nice ut was like spending it with a husband & wife. The thought of his house gives me anxiety. I realise how much it was not good for me. He's coming for dinner tonight which is nice. I have a small Xmas gift for him. I'm curious if he bought me anything. It will give me an indication of things. I don't think id ever trust him again in a relationship. Not after telling me things would change with sis then going o/s & coming back not missing me & not knowing what he wants etc. I couldn't trust him but what we have now is great. Lots of happiness.

CMF · ‎23-12-2023

M came for dinner. We had a great night. Conversation was easy. It never was before. We gave each other a Xmas gift. He told sis he was coming here for dinner so I assume she was home. I guess he can't keep lying. A relative dropped off home made biscuits to them for xmas. He got a message about it & imguesding it was her. She knew he was having dinner with me & had to text him so of course he had to text back. She couldn't wait till he got home. Was she hoping he'd rush home? I don't know. He then went to the bathroom& took his phone. Did he need to message her again? I wonder if she does that when he's out drinking with work mates? I didn't let it bother me. She was not going to ruin my night. She'll never change & at the end of the day he made a choice to be with me. He knew he was coming mid week but only told her tonight. Anyway, we sat & watched TV for a bit, his arm around me. He didn't stay too late, said he wanted an early night. He also had a very sore. Inflamed neck from work

he left around 10pm but replied to a text I sent at 11pm. I guess he may have been in bed. Hopefully sis wasn't looking for info about our dinner. Who cares. I don't have to deal with her. Clearly she knows we still see each other. Hopefully she got the 3rd wheel message is smart enough to work out not to interfere.

Overall a lovely night.

CMF · ‎24-12-2023

I wonder if his sis will blab to people that we had he came over for dinner? Wouldn't duprise me ifvshe announces it at their xmas dinner tonight. I wonder if he's told her to keep it quiet? I wonder if now she knows it will make it harder fir him to cone over during the week? Does he say he's goinf elsewhere or thst he's coming here? What woukd she think? I made a joke about him becoming redundant to me (long story) I was joking but he seemed surprised. I said if he peeves me off...he seemed to react to that.

I hope this good thing we have continues to make us happy with no interference.

CMF · ‎28-12-2023

Not a great day. M is coming over Sunday to hang out & grab lunch. He told me today there's a good chance he mat get/have Covid as everyone at their Xmas lunch has it. Guess we wait & see. Today I gad a fall walking to a friend's house. Tripped on the footpath & badly grazed my elbow. It hurts alot 😒

CMF · ‎29-12-2023

Since falling I feel sad. My arm hurts & makes it difficult to do things. I have 2 more weeks of leave & not much money. Not sure if I'll see M Sunday. Haven't heard much from him unless I make contact which annoys me. Typical. I keep think about hos friend & his gf. Tge one I didn't like much. The one M thinks is so fantastic. Don't know why. Maybe cos when M was here last Sunday he was talking about the blind he has to quote & i stall for her ace but i still dont have the quote for mine. His friend & this girl lived together quickly. They've had issues. He cared for her when she was very ill (something M probably would have found hard cos it would interfere with his life). She felt betrayed when she saw a message from his ex wife he didn't tell her about (she has trust issues). When his sis vame to stay she stayed elsewhere as she didn't want to plsyhappy families them but I always had to with M's sis always in my face. Despite all that they're still together but I just wasn't enough.