Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I probably shouldn't have taken these days of work. I feel so lonley. When we split I had a big clean out. Now it's done I feel lost. I'm so sad 😢

[quirkywords]

Sorry you feel sad. You have been through an emotional upheaval in the last couple of months. I hope you get time to rest and think. 

[randomxx]

Me too cm , sorry to hear that.

And l certainly get the cleaning out , l'm not game to touch anything yet draws are still full of her stuff her dressing gowns right when she puts it. l have changed the house back a bit though but only bc l like it better this way alone.

And l changed the bed back too.

ldk what to do with her stuff , when wwe broke she said donate it, l can't do that and l said donate my ring too that l left there, she said never.

l suppose one day if this turns out , well, yaknow, l'll have to do something with things.

The other people thing he keeps bringing up wouldn't be helping either sorry , maybe tell him to shutup next time.

Take care eh

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx 

I packed all the things he'd given me into a bag and put them up high on a cupboard so they're outta sight. The other people thing, as in seeing other people. Ikerp bringing it up & I've gotta stop. He's told his friend he doesn't wanna go out to meet people. He doesn't wanns be with anyone right now.  He said if he tries to set up a blind date he'll need to tell him about us seeing g each other. Been about 6 weeks. His friend was quick off the mark hey. I think that's what's making me anxious. I know it takes time but I feel so lonley.  Summers comming. Getting hot. We'd go to his house for a swim & I actually didn't like it much cos sis would parade around in her too small bikini yet I feel lonley knowing they'll be having fun. I need to focus on the positive things he says to me & about me. The positives he acknowledges about me. I'm also anxious cos when we started this couple of weeks ago it was full on cheeky texts etc all day but he wasnt working much & was home. Now he is working more & it's a distraction so he can't respond as much. His son is a bit of a sleuth too, asks lots of questions ie who are you texting/talking to, where did you go etc. M hates it. Sometimes he goes to work with M. When we see each other its full on. I need to stop overthinking & enjoy the fun. I need to give off positive vibes & allow good things to come into my life. I need to be this confident, happy person he says I've become.  I was that person last week. Not sure why I've crashed now. 

[randomxx]

Yeah was thinking he said stuff to you about you meeting someone new or somem might be wrong though but anyway.

He's friend sounds a bit silly fancy expecting him to wanna go out this soon, people just amaze me.

lt sure gets you thinking though doesn't it if your still in contatc. she's had such a different tone last wk or so, l know why l'm feeling the same but l'm just fighting it atm bc ldk wth to do with it. sides she's got exams till end nov then she's goin to Japan see her son 3wks so not like we can meet up anytime soon anyway whatever the case is .

lt's waves cm that's all , up and down up and down . not sure if l'mdoing the right thing us talking a bit atm myself. l was kind of resigned before but now l'm all mixed up, especially with her tone of late know that one for sure. But if l get suckered in next minute it'll be oh l'm too sick again.

Nosy son to hey , that's funny,but not too with sis being like 10 of them. My d's interstate atm but said last night so dado , what's happening - meaning gf, she'sknows our ups and downs but it cracks me up her checkin up on me.

[CMF]

My son was meant to go away today so i had invited M over for lunch & spend time together. When I asked what he'd like he said no, let's go out for lunch.  Ok. My son's plans changed so I thought M might like to give it a miss. I asked him to let me know. He messaged this morning asking if I'd like to grab a bite to eat so we did. I picked the Cafe. Of course when I got there I realised we'd been there before lol.  We had a lovely lunch, chatted, laughed. It was so relaxing. I've been wanting to message his Mum. I miss her. Would you believe she asked about me this morning.  Told M she misses me & wanted to text me which she did. I had asked M to give her a hug for me & before he could she told him she wanted ti text me. WOW!  Anyway,  M wouldn't let me pay for lunch, said I can pay next time. We still haven't told anyone about us seeing each other.  We both agreed it's more fun no one knowing plus when people know they get involved & say things & we don't want that. 

Today was lovely.

[CMF]

He came over for dinner last night. We had a lovely night. He wore a shirt I bought him last Xmas.  I jokingly said 'nice shirt.  Who gave it to you?" He replied 'someone special'. He gives many compliments & always says how much he loves my smile. Said he loves my attitude & I commented how much we laugh. Things are just easy.  It's nice not dealing/competing with sis. He mentions her now & then. That's ok. We both agreed it's a great way to spend a Satuday night. Even though I've acknowledged sis wasnt entirely the problem,  It works so well without her in our faces. This is just me & him. 

[quirkywords]

I can see your smile through your words . I am so glad it is working well and hope that by the time you tell others , you will be given enough space.

I am so pleased for you both. 

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Thank you. To be honest, I have no expectations. I'm still a little hesitant as I don't know what he wants in the long run. I also know I couldn't deal with the sis situation moving forward.  For now, this is working.  We are both happy. I think we talk more, are more open. I feel we appreciate each other more. There is def more affection & I'm more relaxed. I feel we are giving/ getting the best of each other. The fact there is no routine keeps it interesting & fun. I think he may he realising how different I am without sis in the picture. As I said. I don't know where it's headed. Maybe this is just how it works best for us? Maybe he knows as long as he lives with sis this is the way it heeds to be,? Maybe this is all we want.casual companionship but just the 2 of us. Who knows. I'm taking it day by day & trying to enjoy it for what it is. I know he def likes this version of me better. 

[CMF]

I'm not so great today. Little miss couldn't sleep last night so neither did I. I'm very tired today & work was frustrating.  Little miss' dad also got under my skin.  All this made me feel insecure.  M & I were texting throughout the day but I'm so flat & feel sad/teary.  I'm remembering how he hurt me but I also realise it wasn't intentional. He was hoping his feelings overseas wete wrong, he didn't plan to break up that day. My tiredness is playing with my mind. He's got another job in a school next year. I'm wondering how he'll pop in during the week ie what excuse will he give the family lol.  Currently he tells them he needs to drop odd money to his friend he's working for haha. He gives ne so many compliments, I ask if he's happy & he is. So am I. I just jeed to stay in the moment, not overthink. I know my tiredness is affecting me & things happened today that have me feeling crap. I'm overthinking & thinking wrong things. I guess I missed him yesterday too. Missed his company even though I was busy all day. Stay in the moment. Just day by day, no expectations & I need sleep lol.