Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[randomxx]

Bloody hell, l'd be ripping that thing out of the wall if it was my house.

[CMF]

Yeah. Oh well. I don't wanna talk about her. I don't want them to know we've been seeing each other. I don't want her to know cos I don't want her involved or knowing our business.  Not sure how long we can keep it quiet though lol.  I just want it to be me & him for now.

[CMF]

He's coming for dinner tonight. I told him he could stay the night if he wanted & totally OK if he doesn't.  I doubt he will.  She will know he's gone out & not gone home.

[CMF]

We had an amazing night. He didn't stay as taking his mum out today. We talked a bit about things. His friend has offered to go out etc but M told him no, he's not wanting to meet/ be with anyone right now. I asked what if he sets up a blind date? M said he'd have to tell him we have something going on. Despite this he still says I should be open to being swept off my feet. That you never know when someone will come into your life & sweep you away.  I'm a bit confused. He loves my smile, says I'm gorgeous, loves my new confidence, says I look great & have a spring in my step. We still want this casual thing though.  I don't want a full on relationship, it's too much with his situation but I still hurt at times. Why? He said if I told him I wanted to start seeing someone else he'd be jealous. I told him if he did he'd break my heart all over again. I wish I did tell him that. I want to ensure we're on the same page & open with each other. I asked if he was cycling & bumped into a female cyclist, started chatting & she asked him out for coffee would he go. He said he didn't know. It would depend how he felt & the connection. I said I don't think I would cos I'd feel I'm betraying him. I'm not looking for anything else. He isn't either but it's that element of not knowing what might come your way.  He said I'm looking so good & the vibe I'm giving off will have men lining up lol. He just doesn't want me to clise myself off to finding love/happiness. I guess i wonder if he decides he wants that why not with me if he loves so much about me. But the sis thing turns me off. I did wear my heart on my sleeve a bit too much. I told him I was overthinking. He actually saw it & asked if I was ok. He picked up on it for once haha. I think he & I connect very well intimitely there's alot of chemistry but mentally maybe not. Not alot in common. He said he'd cover the doorbell camera to sneak key into the house lol but maybe it's better I don't go there. Too many triggers ie sis' stuff. I also wonder if he still has the prints up from when I redid his bedroom. I'd be devo if he pulled them down. He mY not as the walls would be bare. Ha he can get sis to decorate her way 😒she'd love it, he'd love it.Who knows . Anyway I'm totally overthinking. Just need to go with the flow & see what the Universe brings me.

[CMF]

I need to stop overthinking. It's giving me anxiety. He's taken the emotion out of it, I haven't.  I know he doesn't want to be with anyone now but what if he does later? He loves all these things about me but doesn't want ti be with me. It's confusing. He says nothing about wanting to meet other people I'm the one who keeps putting it out there. I need to stop doing that.

[quirkywords]

CMF

• Iwonder if you over think because he is I derfthinking on thinking what casual means. It sounds to me as an outsider to be complicated and not much fun.
  i feel for you. A few days ag9 I was so happy for you both but you don’t need stress. 
  you don’t need anxiety but you positive supportive emotion. 

[CMF]

I was happy too. Don't know why I've crashed now. I'm scared of him meeting someone else even though he isn't looking to. Of course if someone comes into our lives it's different, unplanned just as us reconnecting was unplanned. I think the more time goes on the more I think he'll want to meet someone else. What we have going makes us both happy now. I feel anxious as I feel I said too much yesterday about meeting other people but I want it to be clear. When he says I'm gorgeous, confident, look amazing it's nice but why not enough? Having said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment.  He said he doesn't want to go out to bars etc even told his friend so. I fear as summer rolls in he'll want to but I am good at thinking the wrong thing. He said he'd probably be jealous if I told him I had a date with someone but he doesn't want a relationship.  I understand not wanting to commit to a relationship, it was too heavy, esp with sis. He saw I was overthinking,  he asked me too. That worries me, that I'll scare him off.

[randomxx]

hi cm.afraid l agree with quirk , but another thing is and l don't know how to put it another way sorry but honestly, me thinks guard your heart in this now.

Your right in what you said he doesn't want a relationship or maybe he knows now there was something missing in this one, or something , but he's doing exactly what l thought he might.

Hangin around talking this bs saying all these nice things, but eh , he still isn't asking if you'll take him back , yaknow.

We're talking again too , and she sounds so beautiful , just like her old self, but l'm very wary bc l know inside all the same old shyt is still goin on so l haven't- tried anyway, not to get too involved right now. ldk, l'm thinking.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx 

Yeah I am guarding my heart.  I know it's nothing more. He said something over dinner & I called him out on it. We had a laugh about it. In the past hecwould have got peeved. It reminded me of something I didn't like about him. To be honest,  he's admitted he's emotionally unavailable,  he was like that in his marriage, why would he want to be in another relationship which he's also admitted he doesn't think he wants. He's told his friend he's not interested in going out to meet people. I k ow it might change but I need to stay in the moment.  I don't know why I was so emotional today & I need to stop talking about meeting other people & wearing me heart on my sleeve. We made the rules clear. This is just me & him. We just want to enjoy  each other. He's actually noticing more things ie a pice of furniture i moved, commented on a pair of earrings & I like that he dressed nicely last night. We had dinner, conversation. We talked a bit actually.  More than we used to. I had Friday off work & tomorrow too. I often feel anxious when away from work as I need to keep busy. He's right though. I'm more confident, happy, I've lost weight. I feel better about myself. I'm not weighed down in his life with sis.  I need to remember what made me unhappy in that relationship. If someone comes along & sweeps me off my feet I need to be open minded. He's told me not to close my heart. I have to say, I do get more looks from men lol. We've known each other over 30 years. We can't just throw that away but yes, I'll protect my heart. 

[CMF]

I think he triggered me cos he was talking about stuff that used to make me uncomfortable/alone/ excluded when we were together. Things like he & his son having spritzers before dinner...like they did o/s. Things that reminded me he used to have fun at home with them while I sat alone. Things that reminded me why I was unhappy. I saw the 'spoilt' side of him that I didn't like. Anyway,  the rules are clear & I need to stop overthinking.