Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[velvetfaerie]

OF course he’s happy he’s got freedoms. Many freedoms and the ability / position to pull your strings.

Terrible human being.

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

I read your last couple of posts and we have been speaking for quite some time, how come you let his family get to you so much, you two are not a couple anymore so what he does with his family shouldn't be your weight to carry. You put so much more pressure on yourself because of his relationship with his mum, I know this is little miss' grandparents but from your point of view, you do not have to see them or have any kind of relationship with him, you simply have to be amicable with him for little miss' sake. Your conversations should centre around little miss. I think it is nice he is inviting you but at the same time this is where the good old boundaries come into play that we spoke about long ago, if he wants to take little miss then let him take her and spend time with her, give you the break you require. You are not a couple therefor not obliged to do anything with him like that, I understand you feel anxious for little miss and that he may not answer when you call but all you can do is see how it goes. You have so much on your plate that worrying about his family isn't doing you any good.

I am so sorry if this comes across as abrupt or anything, that is 100% not my intention, just want to challenge your thinking a little bit.

My best,

Jay

[white knight]

Hi CMF

Im not up to speed on your inlaws and ex problems.

But Jay is trying to be challenging and that means he really cares.

I made a habit with my exx's siblings kf guving praise. Yes they were pathetic inlaws. I buried their mother, no thanks, no appreciation. But they were good uncles to my kids so in the rare chance I bumped into them "thanks for being a good uncle to my girls".

This simple gesture left them feeling good about me.

As for arguements with your ex, it doesnt seem to be possible to have a friendship. If however you are tempted to accompany him somewhete say the beach, only mention words in a questioning manner..."how's work, been to the beach often, seen any movies lately..."

He cant argue about questions if he does "just interested to know how life is for the dad of little miss...we did care for each other and being friends is good for her"

hope I'm not speaking out of hand

Tony WK

[CMF]

Hi Jay and Tony,

Thank you both for your posts. Neither of you is out of hand or abrupt at all.

It was a great question re his mum and it has got me thinking. We did go to the beach today and it was a nice day and i didn't think about too much.

I think the reason they consume so much of my thoughts is because he and his mum hurt me so much. They have left me so battered, like no one ever has before. Between the 2 of than i have been accused of so many things i didn't do, blamed for things,she told me to leave him, let him be free and raise the baby with her, told me it was a mess, i should have left him and more. I can't stand her to put it bluntly and even though he argues with her alot of the time she says something and he does it. I wish he would think for himself. I guess I am not used to having parents so involved, mine never interfered. As he lives there she gets involved in many things, used listen to our conversations, she has told me leave so he can go to bed (not his choice), told me it is late and i shouldn't be there and he has never stood up for me,just stood there and did nothing. I don't know why i care what she says or does with him, i think i just find her annoying so everyone her name comes up it annoys me.. I used to wish it wasn't like this bt i can't forget or forgive what she has thought of me.

She adored his ex girlfriend who smoked and drank, everything he didn't like. She tried to convince him to have a child with her but he didn't want a bar of it. Turns out she couldn't have kids, so it t was a lie and a trick to stay with him. All this while he was seeing me but they don't know that, they liked her alot. His Mum blames me but she knows nothing of how he has treated me and verbally abused me. Doesn't know he didn't see his daughter for weeks or months at a time. Just blames me. At one stage she even gave me the cold shoulder when i went there because she was hurt! She was hurt but i did nothing except stop going there cos he didn't want me there. She was hurt but i was the one who copped it all.I said and did nothing to them.

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

I understand exactly what you are saying and I can see how his mum can really annoy you when she is mentioned but at the same time, think of it like this, you are not with him therefor you have got rid of that negativity in your life, if you two were still a couple and you had to put up with her as your mother in law then this is a different story all together, I would almost be happy I wasn't with him and thanking my lucky stars that I wouldn't have to put up with someone like that. If he wants to listen to her and do as she says, that is his choice, only time she should be a concern to you at all is if it has to do with little miss. You have 0 and I mean 0 obligation to take little miss there or spend anytime there, that is his obligation. How she treated you in the past is not on and no one will agree it was but I think you are lucky that she is out of your life to a certain degree. Some parents are very involved in their kids lives and try to control their every move, again not your cross to bear.

I am glad today sounds like it went well and you seemed to have a good time at the beach.

My best,

Jay

[white knight]

Hi CMF

totally get that.

Google

queen waif witch hermit

That may or may not be your EX MIL

But it was my mother.

Your ex would be tangled in her web

He hasn't got a chance of escaping her. He wouldn't even realise the extent of her manipulation even if you told him.

Tony WK

[velvetfaerie]

Why can people be so mean and manipulative?

My recent beloved ex and his ex. Case and point. SHE IS EVIL. I like to hope karma catches up.

Sorry. CMF, we are in different positions and circumstances but the yukky feelings inside might be very similar. You have me here to vent to. I try to read up on things a lot but my brain is utterly fried and work is busy. So much to juggle I am dropping the damn balls.

But being there for people is how I roll. It is hard to detach when you care right?

V.

[velvetfaerie]

I will leave the choccies here. For you guys.

[CMF]

Hi Jay, Tony, Velvet,

I am lucky she is out of my life.

Tony, I think I have read that one that you've referred to.

Velvz, thx for the choccies.

Had a relaxing day today. Caught up on housework and moved a few plants in the from garden. My son copped a mouthful of verbal abuse from his dad :-(. My son has had anxiety since finishing year 10. He has been getting a lot of shifts at work despite telling them he wants less. Some kids are getting barely anything because they are not as good, yet they want more. He has had no break and is feeling burnt out.They have been told they are not to change their shifts during December, my son has asked for less hours - 10 per week, but he still got 25 hours next week and this week. He has his aunt's 60th bday party next week and asked his dad to confirm the date as he needed to ask to change his roster. His manager did it but wasn't happy. He rang me to tell me and I realised the date he changed was her actual bday, not the date of the party. There was no way he could ask to change again so he rang his dad to explain. Well he copped a mouthful, was called an F idiot and his dad said he would ring the manager and have a go at him. I could hear in my son,s voice how upset he was. He was already anxious after seeing the roster and his dad yelling and threatening to call the manager made it worse. He was worried he,d lose his job. Today was the first day he went out since being on holidays and he felt better before all this happened. His dad is worried how he will look bad his son isn't at the party, but he has his gf and her kids there and he is all over them. . My so will be emailing the manager again to ask for less hours after next week, telling them he is feeling anxious and all the hours are making it worse. He hasn't even wanted to go this week but pushed himself. I suggested he message his aunt and apologise about the party explaining the mix up with work hours. She was fine with it. I'm sure my ex husband hasn't told his family how he kicked his son out, I'm Sure they don't know how he has treated him and the names he has called him. Makes me sick to think about it. To hear my sons voice so down when he saw the work roster made me anxious. To know how his dad spoke to him made me sick. My son's gf also heard it through the phone. He said she knows what his dad is like but still, it must have been embarrassing.

I just want to cry. His dad is so fake in front of others. If only they knew.

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Wow, I have no idea why he would want to yell at your son for what seems like a simple mix up. If it is purely because he may look bad then that is not right. I can see how your son would be very anxious, he is just trying to do right by everyone it seems and it all went wrong. The simple suggestion you made of messaging his aunty and letting her know the mix up was the best thing you could of done and as long as she is ok with it then that's all that matter, his dad will just have to wear it and say my son is working. It is not like he is skipping because he can't be bothered just simply because of work commitments. I know you feel bad for him and have no idea why is father does this but all you can do is look out for him and let him know it is all ok. Sounds like his girlfriend is nice and supportive too. Hopefully his work lowers his shifts as well, you don't want anxiety just from work.

Other than that, much on for the weekend?

My best,

Jay