Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Wow, I just cannot see why he is making this more difficult that it needs to be. Just a thought, why don't you just message him, take the emotion out of it..... something like, "Hi.... Please transfer $65 to my bank account by Friday this week for....., Thank you" If it is on the phone and emotion comes into it, it sounds like he just gets defensive and some what enjoys this as you said. People depending on him. All I can see is this just affect little miss and what is the point in putting her through all of this. He just has to step up and take responsibility and help you especially that he knows you are struggling with money this time of year as well.

I hope this week is much better for you.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

I did message him, last week after he mentioned twice he would do it. He messaged back and said ok. I asked again after texting him and he snapped saying "did you get my message? My answer hadn't changed" that was in the middle of the argument about why he is so concerned with my ex husbands gf's hair. He couldn't understand why he couldn't ask about the hair colour but I could ask about the money. I pointed out the hair colour is not important to me and doesn't affect my life. The money does. His response was that in future he will text me first to make sure the topic was important to me and then only talk about things important to me. I asked again why the hair colour was so important to him. He called me difficult and complicated.

NARCISSIT.

Aaaahhhhh deep breaths. I just have to keep reminding myself I am not dealing with a normal person.

[velvetfaerie]

And control freak.

[CMF]

Oh I'm so empty.

No feelings, about anything, at all.

House is upside down, not interested in lights on xmas tree.

I'm beige.

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

My apologies, I must of misread your post, I thought that conversation took place on the phone, not in messaging. I would send one final text message still to be honest and just say you need the money by the end of the week, if he replies back being smart, don't even text back. Just let it roll off you like water on a ducks back.

Sorry you are feeling down again, it is literally that time of the year and it just gets so overwhelming. How can I help you get through this?

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

im confusing you. The conversation did take place over the phone but the day before that I messaged him and day before that I asked him in person. The week before that I mentioned it and he said, yes no worries let me know when you have these things.

Still waiting. Very, very tight budget this week.

[velvetfaerie]

NO don’t be beige !!!

🌺🍄🌹🌷💐🌸🌻🌞🍀🐑🐑🐘🐊🐬🐬🦐🐴🐴🦋🦋🦗🐦🐦🙊🐷🐽

[CMF]

I think I know part of the reason I am so flat, besides the obvious. I now have 7 weeks with no break from the kids. School holidays, every day with the kids. Sounds awful but I get no 'me' time.

Still nothing from 'him'. I have turned it into a challenge. I am allowing myself a certain amount each day to spend. This includes food, petrol, no extras if possible. Still haven't bought my sons xmas present and probably nothing else for my daughters.

So flat...beige, beige, beige.

[CMF]

Well he just rang as he is thinking of taking little miss to the beach tomorrow. He was in good spirits and there was no bad feeling from last week. I Mentioned that my older daughter would probably want to go too and little miss wants me to go but my older one need bathers but i dont have the extra money atm. I politely mentioned about the money and he said he was waiting as he was going to put more in than just the $65. I told him nicely he should have told me that and that i am really budgeting this week just to get through. He said he would put some money in and i should be ok...hopefully he does as I really hate asking and reminding him , it's embarrassing.

He said once she finishes kinder he wants to do more things with her, will take days off and enjoy the summer, he said i'm very welcome to join in, to get out of the house...this was very nice of him and i do appreciate it. I'm just always in 2 minds as he can be nice and then be abusive which makes me want to keep my distance. He makes that effort and then out of the blue loses it. He said it is crazy he hasn't seen little miss for a few days, now that she is growing up he want to spend time with here...good thing. He blames the house again, said been to busy. He told me what he's been doing at the house and then said he moved a garden pillar cos his mum wanted him it moved. I had to get him to clarify that. I don't get that. Does him mum own the house or him? Did she buy it or him? I know she bid for it and his sister paid he deposit as he was in bed asleep but it is his house. He moved it cos she wanted it moved. He said it looks much better but i don't understand that, i feel sick and i don't know why. I don't know who owns what, who gets what and it makes me uneasy as i feel i don't really know who he is. It';s like his family has so many secrets and i feel it when i'm around them. I feel uneasy. His mum has this hold on him, even though he abuses her and calls he stupid and and imbecile amongst other things but if she want him to do something to his rental property he does it. Her ideas work, maybe that all it is, maybe she has a good eye for things and he trusts that but i hate that control thing, that he does things always because someone else told him to. When she has said things about me he has not defended me. This is why i don't want to be part of their family or be around them. i don't trust her, I see the look on her face and can almost feel what she is thinking in her eyes.

[CMF]

I feel anxious and uneasy. All i can think of is ' Mum wanted me to move it' I've never trusted her with little miss because when she was a baby his mum tried to give her things she couldn't have, tap water at 6 weeks old after she had heart surgery, hot soup form a buffet, when she was a baby, plus she is in his ear. He always wanted to get little miss a gold cross,he suggested it to his mum she bought it for her one year. He used her to spend the money for him, then in front of me She then gave it to him to give to me. I'm confused, I don't understand how they work she tells him what to do and he does it. He buys things for them but really they are for his benefit ie an ipad, a spare fridge. i feel really uneasy again. Feel like i don't want to go tomorrow. i have to be home by 4.30pm as my son had to go to work, i don't trust him to be home in time as he was talking about having dinner at the beach etc despite me saying several times i must be home by 4.30pm. He did say if we don't go to the beach he may come past after kinder and take her shopping as he needs to get a few things. He just wants to do something with her, it's a good thing, but he makes it all so difficult ie the money I'm waiting for, always late, not answering his phone when i ring to see where he is with little miss.

I don't trust anything about him, even when he is nice I don't trust him and find him unreliable...with everything.