Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

He always wants and asks to be reminded to do the things but if I remind him about the money he gets peeved off and snaps at me. He hasn't forgotten, I know it, he's just avouding responsibility.

i hate him right now, can't believe I ever had feelings for him. I'm just choking.

[velvetfaerie]

Some people just don’t get it do they? 😑😑

Responsibility - own it !!!! Some just don’t. They annoy me. Reading this annoys me. I want to smack him.

Few blunt words this am. I Need big coffee.

v.

[CMF]

well, still nothing from him. The upside is that he won't show his face for a while. How can he? How can you live with yourself knowing you owe someone money, someone who has 3 kids to feed, someone who has family coming over for their son's bday on the weekend? Someone you know suffers with anxiety over bills that need to be paid? When you've had anxiety and you know what it is like how do you put some else though it?

You know what the crazy thing is the amount he owes me is about $65, that's it but I outlaid nearly $130, that's a lot for me at this time of year and all he has to give me is $65 but despite our conversation and me asking several times he still hasn't done it. I know he just paid a lot of big bills but he lives with his parents, has no mortgage and works full time. He does not have to feed 3 kids, his food is bought and cooked for him most of the time.

If he told me he just doesn't have it yet i would be fine with it but no, he strings me along. I'm convinced he gets a kick out of having people waiting for him, hanging off him waiting for him to do something. It's a power game, he has what I need so he is in control of me.

Quite sad really.

[white knight]

Hi CMF

After 11 years of emotional abuse and laziness, I left the family home. It was a desperate decision, a week befote I had made an attempt of my life. That was 1996, my girls 7 and 4.

The sad part is that I still had to endure her wrath, when communicating, visit times, education, health etc. She was never friendly and she knrw me well enough to ptess my buttons. This was rehardless of never a late child support payment, buying clothes for them and all my youngest teeth bills ($15,000 extra)

When my youngest got to 18yo I sent her mother a message "after 11 years of emotional abuse and 14 years of contemptuous communication for the sake of our children I am severing all ties with you. Please refrain from any contact. I do however, wish you well for the future."

Since then 2010, I have been at peace.

So re: "Dear self.
Don't get worked up over things you can't control, people you can't change. It's not worth the anger build up or the headache. Control only what you can. Let go."

You will get peace one day.

Tony WK

[CMF]

Yes I will Tony. Yes I will 🙂

[velvetfaerie]

I don’t like it when people abuse others for their own gain. Upsets me.

Tony’s wise words again.

[CMF]

Hey want to hear something funny? I keep checking my bank account for that $65..hahaha. Going to be a tough week!

[velvetfaerie]

😞

Are you being played still?

[CMF]

Yeah. Maybe if he rings I won't answer, just like he doesn't answer when he's late bringing little miss home. I know, maybe I'll text him my ex husbands number and he can ring and ask why he dates blinds but married a brunette?

ok, too much thinking, getting agitated and angry. Using too much of my energy.

[velvetfaerie]

Ah energy. My friend today said about her recent diabolical break up that why put so much energy into negative feels towards the dumpee.

Good point.

Sometimes you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out people.